Help What is it like having BPD?

[struggles_inc]

People with BPD, can you please share your experiences? Like, what does your day look like? What are your regular thoughts, reactions, feelings?

I mean it in a broader sense. Not exactly right now, but your most common feelings.

 

[pinkblur]

ever turn your car on and the volume is full blast and in the middle of a song? it's like that. it's awful. BPD episodes feel like emotions are cranked to 11 and they can happen over the course of a few days or even weeks. mine usually last about a week. when i'm in it i'm at peak suicidality and absolutely hate it.

i get physical effects as well such as sensitivity to light and sound, soreness in my hands, and headaches/migraines. i've gotten better at managing it over the years but when my episodes come back it really makes me wish i weren't here anymore, the thought of having to deal with the episodes for the remainder of my life really eats away at me.

 

[tsumihoroboshi]

it's like i'm sinking before i even reach the quicksand. drowning before i'm in the water. the constant need to sabotage everything because your body is static. you have no personal identity. everything you are is just an amalgamation of everyone you met. who are "you". and i experience RSD so violently every second. it never goes away. i've never gotten proper treatment for it and never can. i just forget i have it most times.

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה,

In terms of industry crazymaking, BPD has been used to refer to both bipolar depression and borderline personality disorder in the past 30 years, the personality being a somewhat newer diagnostic category and 'bipolar depression' more recently just called 'bipolar'/bipolar disease.

Nice mindfuck and ad for why not have both for those who rely on the industry for support and companionship.

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

Constant emotional torture. Constant fear and terror over every relationship. Every interaction with a person is fraught with danger for us. The paranoia, the constant suicidality. Having to think about every interaction strategically to make sure the other person can't hurt you first.

Being reminded of things you said or things that happened years and years ago. But you are tortured by the memory.

Feeling isolated. Unlovable. Deep. Deep self hatred.

There is almost nothing redeemable about it.

The only thing I would give positive points to is that we who have BPD, we feel emotions more than "normal" people. We feel emotion to it's maximum potential. All the time. We feel more deeply than others. Which can be very frustrating when everyone else around us doesn't experience that level of emotion. But I'd rather feel extreme emotions than none at or or the dulled ones that regular people experience.

There is no sadness. There is only deep depression. There is no anger, it's full on rage. Love is difficult because we love easily and we love hard. Everything is to the extreme, or there is nothing. And nothing in between. And God forbid someone does you an injustice. Because then. Those people. Even if you are close with them. Become enemy #1 and they must be destroyed for hurting you when you love them so deeply. That's called splitting and it's awful because you have no control until it's over. The. You have to deal with all the fallout

It's torture because once people start seeing the behavior, they are quick to leave which only exacerbates the condition even more.

Then you have the stigma. We are constantly demonized. And on top of that. There is a very common sentiment that people with BPD should be condemned to a life of loneliness without any relationship. Thus further showcasing human cruelty.

 

[Carrot]

Terrible childhood, bad genetics, bullying, failing to fit in, failing to find friends early on in life caused me to isolate. While this resulted in some positives, it lead to addictions and lack of social skills.

That leads to BPD. I really would love to be loved, but I have been proven over and over that I am unlovable. So whenever somebody shows me any love, I find it hard to believe, and they probably will realize at some point that they can have somebody better much easier, so don't bother with me. I push them away, because I've had so much rejection (romantic/platonic) that I might as well not bother.

I don't want another rejection, so I keep pushing people away. By doing this, I increase the chance of them rejecting me. At the same time I crave good relationships, so it creates a toxic environment.

I want to be clear that I am never intentionally toxic, it's not some giant plan, it's kind of how my brain works on autopilot:
I want love, love leads to rejection, I don't want rejection.

In my case this also lead to
- hedonism (maximizing fun, additions, escapism, I'll die fairly soon anyway)
- appearing to be selfish (pushing people away, they try for a while and that is boosting my self-esteem, but at some point I push them and they don't come back)
- perfectionism (trying to fit in by being perfect and, to a lesser extend, seeking that in others too),

I have improved a lot over the years, but my most recent breakup is too far, combined with other issues.

 

[monetpompo]

it makes me feel like a dog that's begging people to put it down, but people think i'm too dumb to decide that for myself because i'm just a dog. the stereotypes about bpd keep me up at night because it makes me feel like i'm unlovable and that i should just stay away from everyone instead of forming relationships, because i'm just toxic to everybody anyways. it feels like there's some deep rooted misogyny in society's perception of bpd, "goth girls that cut themselves" or "clingy girls that'll give really good head", ultimately dehumanizing them and fetishizing the illness. it completely removes any nuance to it and makes men with bpd feel like they don't exist.

i understand that there are deliberately toxic bpd people and friendly bpd people, but i'm so afraid that i'm one of the bad ones that just hurts everyone. i'm jealous of people all the time and i think that when people have other friends then they secretly want to hang out with them instead of me because i'm not good enough. i constantly think about ways to prove myself so that people can keep on liking me indefinitely, even though i'll always end up pushing people away anyways. i feel like i don't deserve friends in the first place. i feel like i'm never going to be anything but the sum of my parts.

 

[struggles_inc]

The paranoia

Can you please explain what the paranoia consists of? Like what is causing fear or suspicion? From the thread I gathered, that the fear is to be abandoned by potential partners or friends, so a person doesn't form relationships altogether. Am I close?

 

[kunikuzushi]

Constant pain. My day is spent trying to stop the unbearable pain. It either doesn't work and I spend the whole day crying, or I get unreasonably "happy" from my favorite person and then crash incredibly hard when they have to leave or say something that makes me think they're losing interest in me, or I feel so horrific that I end up involuntarily dissociating because the pain is too much.

 

[recordplayer]

One of the hardest parts for me is experiencing the entire spectrum of emotions nearly every day, but feeling fundementally empty at the same time. I've lost most of the important relationships in my life because of impulsivity or self-destruction or clinginess that always comes back even when I think I've learned my lesson, so there's an overwhelming loneliness and fear of people leaving again. The only thing that keeps me from outright begging people to stay or constantly asking for reassurance is knowing that it wouldn't work (although I did that more than I'd like to admit when I was younger, which is why I know not to now).

 

[Carrot]

Can you please explain what the paranoia consists of? Like what is causing fear or suspicion? From the thread I gathered, that the fear is to be abandoned by potential partners or friends, so a person doesn't form relationships altogether. Am I close?

Not OP. But maybe paranoi of people befreinding you as a cruel joke or something, they will get tired or realise it's not worth dealing with the BPD person. Stuff like this happened in teen years, not later on in life.

Unrelated to paranoia:
I think distancing myself from people theoretically allows me to have a hidden card. When I see somebody pulling away for the final time, I can explain them why I acted in such way. They understand and it makes sense then, but it always is too late to fix things.

If you tell people about BPD too early, they might leave. If you tell people about BPD too late, they might leave. I think the solution here is to tell them sooner than later, so you can both notice it and work on it.

Once again, this isn't some grand pre-planned scheme, it's just my understanding of it and critical reflection over many years.

 

[struggles_inc]

I think at this point I should explain why I asked. In an informal setting, someone with a background in psychiatry guessed I might have BPD. I strongly disagreed, because my emotions are mostly as numb as a rock, and I don't feel much at all every day throughout my whole life.

I wanted to know what the experience is to compare it to mine, because the clinical clean answers from the surface web gave too vague explanations.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

People with BPD, can you please share your experiences? Like, what does your day look like? What are your regular thoughts, reactions, feelings?

I mean it in a broader sense. Not exactly right now, but your most common feelings.

It feels like an out of control demon is within my body, and the smallest things can trigger it and cause it to come out. Someone ignoring me for even 10 minutes will completely send me off the rails, my partner accidentally wording something in a bad way will make me cry and beg them to not leave me. And act all accusatory. The smallest most minor things will annoy me beyond belief, and something I may think is an innocent crush will turn into a mentally crazed obsession. And that's not even half of it... Generally some days look like literal hell and some look like heaven. It can fluctuate fast and easily depending on my current situation. And when things are too dull life looks like nothing at all and it's like all of the insane emotions are drained from my heart and it's left feeling completely empty, and lifeless.

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

Can you please explain what the paranoia consists of? Like what is causing fear or suspicion? From the thread I gathered, that the fear is to be abandoned by potential partners or friends, so a person doesn't form relationships altogether. Am I close?

Yup that's pretty much it. Only worse. Every interaction can be fraught. Especially if the other person demonstrates emotions, behavior, body language that you can't quite understand. Then all bets are off because anyone one of them could be a sign that you are going to be abandoned.

Now the paranoia is usually transient. Meaning it's usually only temporary and will pass. But sometimes it's not and can go on for days/weeks/months.

I tend to get really paranoid that something I will say or do will make people hate me. I am constantly afraid that my friends/family hate me. So my brain will analyze each and everything I said to someone after interacting with them. To see if we fucked up.

The cause? Is usually nothing actually. Just our brains planting a little idea. A little suggestion that things may not be as good as they appear. And then it's off to the races we go.

Now sometimes, we will will avoid developing relationships to avoid being hurt altogether. Which leads to serious social isolation. Or what will happen instead, if we sense/perceive abandonment coming our way, we will sabotage the relationship. So that they can't hurt/abandon us first. And there is some very severe fear driving this behavior. The kind that you can't just reason yourself out of. It completely takes over. It's our brains maladaptive way of trying to protect us.