Help What is it like having BPD?

[struggles_inc]

People with BPD, can you please share your experiences? Like, what does your day look like? What are your regular thoughts, reactions, feelings?

I mean it in a broader sense. Not exactly right now, but your most common feelings.

 

[pinkblur]

ever turn your car on and the volume is full blast and in the middle of a song? it's like that. it's awful. BPD episodes feel like emotions are cranked to 11 and they can happen over the course of a few days or even weeks. mine usually last about a week. when i'm in it i'm at peak suicidality and absolutely hate it.

i get physical effects as well such as sensitivity to light and sound, soreness in my hands, and headaches/migraines. i've gotten better at managing it over the years but when my episodes come back it really makes me wish i weren't here anymore, the thought of having to deal with the episodes for the remainder of my life really eats away at me.

 

[tsumihoroboshi]

it's like i'm sinking before i even reach the quicksand. drowning before i'm in the water. the constant need to sabotage everything because your body is static. you have no personal identity. everything you are is just an amalgamation of everyone you met. who are "you". and i experience RSD so violently every second. it never goes away. i've never gotten proper treatment for it and never can. i just forget i have it most times.

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה,

In terms of industry crazymaking, BPD has been used to refer to both bipolar depression and borderline personality disorder in the past 30 years, the personality being a somewhat newer diagnostic category and 'bipolar depression' more recently just called 'bipolar'/bipolar disease.

Nice mindfuck and ad for why not have both for those who rely on the industry for support and companionship.

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

Constant emotional torture. Constant fear and terror over every relationship. Every interaction with a person is fraught with danger for us. The paranoia, the constant suicidality. Having to think about every interaction strategically to make sure the other person can't hurt you first.

Being reminded of things you said or things that happened years and years ago. But you are tortured by the memory.

Feeling isolated. Unlovable. Deep. Deep self hatred.

There is almost nothing redeemable about it.

The only thing I would give positive points to is that we who have BPD, we feel emotions more than "normal" people. We feel emotion to it's maximum potential. All the time. We feel more deeply than others. Which can be very frustrating when everyone else around us doesn't experience that level of emotion. But I'd rather feel extreme emotions than none at or or the dulled ones that regular people experience.

There is no sadness. There is only deep depression. There is no anger, it's full on rage. Love is difficult because we love easily and we love hard. Everything is to the extreme, or there is nothing. And nothing in between. And God forbid someone does you an injustice. Because then. Those people. Even if you are close with them. Become enemy #1 and they must be destroyed for hurting you when you love them so deeply. That's called splitting and it's awful because you have no control until it's over. The. You have to deal with all the fallout

It's torture because once people start seeing the behavior, they are quick to leave which only exacerbates the condition even more.

Then you have the stigma. We are constantly demonized. And on top of that. There is a very common sentiment that people with BPD should be condemned to a life of loneliness without any relationship. Thus further showcasing human cruelty.

 

[Carrot]

Terrible childhood, bad genetics, bullying, failing to fit in, failing to find friends early on in life caused me to isolate. While this resulted in some positives, it lead to addictions and lack of social skills.

That leads to BPD. I really would love to be loved, but I have been proven over and over that I am unlovable. So whenever somebody shows me any love, I find it hard to believe, and they probably will realize at some point that they can have somebody better much easier, so don't bother with me. I push them away, because I've had so much rejection (romantic/platonic) that I might as well not bother.

I don't want another rejection, so I keep pushing people away. By doing this, I increase the chance of them rejecting me. At the same time I crave good relationships, so it creates a toxic environment.

I want to be clear that I am never intentionally toxic, it's not some giant plan, it's kind of how my brain works on autopilot:
I want love, love leads to rejection, I don't want rejection.

In my case this also lead to
- hedonism (maximizing fun, additions, escapism, I'll die fairly soon anyway)
- appearing to be selfish (pushing people away, they try for a while and that is boosting my self-esteem, but at some point I push them and they don't come back)
- perfectionism (trying to fit in by being perfect and, to a lesser extend, seeking that in others too),

I have improved a lot over the years, but my most recent breakup is too far, combined with other issues.

 

[monetpompo]

it makes me feel like a dog that's begging people to put it down, but people think i'm too dumb to decide that for myself because i'm just a dog. the stereotypes about bpd keep me up at night because it makes me feel like i'm unlovable and that i should just stay away from everyone instead of forming relationships, because i'm just toxic to everybody anyways. it feels like there's some deep rooted misogyny in society's perception of bpd, "goth girls that cut themselves" or "clingy girls that'll give really good head", ultimately dehumanizing them and fetishizing the illness. it completely removes any nuance to it and makes men with bpd feel like they don't exist.

i understand that there are deliberately toxic bpd people and friendly bpd people, but i'm so afraid that i'm one of the bad ones that just hurts everyone. i'm jealous of people all the time and i think that when people have other friends then they secretly want to hang out with them instead of me because i'm not good enough. i constantly think about ways to prove myself so that people can keep on liking me indefinitely, even though i'll always end up pushing people away anyways. i feel like i don't deserve friends in the first place. i feel like i'm never going to be anything but the sum of my parts.