Hi there. Thanks for even clicking on this thread. Just being able to type here already makes me feel a bit less lonely. This is my first post here, so I wanted to use it to share a bit about myself and what has led me here. Even if you don't read this all the way through and leave here…it really means a lot.
For starters, you can call me Dahlia. It's not a name I've ever used in life or anywhere on the internet, and I absolutely adore it. I've just turned 26 (against my better wishes). My passions in life before everything went so fucking numb were music (I've played the trumpet most of my life and also sing), poetry, video games, and doing art.(I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm writing a bio for regular social media, please bear with me, I didn't know how else to start this exactly.)
I've been diagnosed depressed since I was 14 along with my anxiety/panic disorder, but I'm pretty sure it all started a lot earlier. Without giving too much personal stuff, I was adopted as an infant. The parents that adopted me are so much older than any of my friend's parents, and I was an only child. From the beginning I've been instilled with this constant overwhelming sensation of loneliness. I always had trouble making friends, and even as a small child I was deathly afraid of like being perceived?? For example I have this vivid memory of having to walk in to an arts and crafts thing with my mom, and I begged her to hold the big piece of poster paper because I thought me carrying it made me look funny…I was like 6 lol. Even when I did eventually have my friend groups and close connections in middle and high school, even college I was constantly reminded of a fact. That no matter how hard I tried to be a good person, to put myself out there "be myself", I would never be someone's favorite person, or true best friend.
I know it's the cliche "I'm never anyone's first choice" that you see plastered all over sad edits but it's literally the story of my life. I would make a friend and do everything I could to hold onto that connection, only for it to fizzle out. Plus, my brain literally hates itself, so even when I am out with a group, having a great time, all I can think about is "after this school year we'll never talk again, sure we're at dinner now but when you're feeling lonely later no one will care, everyone else likes each other more than they like you" so on and so forth. Literally the biggest self sabotage and I can't fucking stop myself.
To cycle it back to my parents, so because they were older and I was an only child and as now clearly stated socially awkward (I was just an anxious baby and no one cared lol) I spent so much time alone, with my thoughts. So much so that when I was with other people I was still trapped inside my head with my thoughts. And my thoughts are fucking mean and dark. Not to also sound cliche or poetic but I've constantly thought about death since I was a kid too. I remember if I related to a character enough in a movie I'd hope she would die so I could imagine it was me instead. I used to lucid dream a lot, and when I would realize I could control my dreams I would kill myself in my dreams. Usually by jumping off of something or drowning. And that started before I was really conscious of the concept of suicide, at least in the sense where it related to depression.
My relationship with my parents is complicated too. I won't say I was regularly physically abused, but I was hit enough and had things thrown at me so much that I still flinch to this day, and I overcompensate to try to please people to avoid having them yell at me and degrade me (although in the back of my mind I know my parents are more likely to do so than strangers). Dad was barely home because he was working, and when I went through puberty I admittedly took a lot of my teenage girl sarcasm and angst out on him. He didn't help his cause. I'm not going to go into details right now because he has since passed on, but he wasn't a saint to me either. My mom and I have a toxic relationship pretty much. I love her so much and I do everything in order to make her proud of me, even now, but all she does is berate me when I'm at my lowest and push me closer to the brink. I do still live with my mom for a few reasons. One is because after I graduated I worked abroad for a few years, another is she's still in control of my finances seeing as I'm not able to fully support myself yet, and it's just how my family is. My aunts who never married still live with my grandma, so it's kind of a cultural thing. Everything I have ever known is currently in this house. I have lived on my own for stretches of time and that doesn't improve my mindset at all on life, so I'm mainly including this as a disclaimer in case someone suggests I move out. I'm trapped either way.
Like many kids born in 2000 I had unfiltered access to the internet from my first iPod. From there, my spiral into suicidal ideation and self harm began. I only ever told my mom I wanted to kill myself once and she beat the shit out of me. I'm a world class bottler. I don't tell anyone anything, and I keep it all inside. I've had a few attempts and many relapses into cutting starting in my freshman year of high school. Mainly pills and hanging.
I'm going to start to wrap up my first post around here. Over the past two years I've been getting more numb, and desperate to actually go through and succeed with taking my life. I'm so fucking lonely. And now I'm here. Please, don't hesitate to talk to me. I'm really feeling a bit calmer now for the first time in a while that I have a place to properly vent and connect with others who feel the same.
P.s if any actually reads this the whole way through I will cry tears of joy :')
♡Dahlia
For starters, you can call me Dahlia. It's not a name I've ever used in life or anywhere on the internet, and I absolutely adore it. I've just turned 26 (against my better wishes). My passions in life before everything went so fucking numb were music (I've played the trumpet most of my life and also sing), poetry, video games, and doing art.(I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm writing a bio for regular social media, please bear with me, I didn't know how else to start this exactly.)
I've been diagnosed depressed since I was 14 along with my anxiety/panic disorder, but I'm pretty sure it all started a lot earlier. Without giving too much personal stuff, I was adopted as an infant. The parents that adopted me are so much older than any of my friend's parents, and I was an only child. From the beginning I've been instilled with this constant overwhelming sensation of loneliness. I always had trouble making friends, and even as a small child I was deathly afraid of like being perceived?? For example I have this vivid memory of having to walk in to an arts and crafts thing with my mom, and I begged her to hold the big piece of poster paper because I thought me carrying it made me look funny…I was like 6 lol. Even when I did eventually have my friend groups and close connections in middle and high school, even college I was constantly reminded of a fact. That no matter how hard I tried to be a good person, to put myself out there "be myself", I would never be someone's favorite person, or true best friend.
I know it's the cliche "I'm never anyone's first choice" that you see plastered all over sad edits but it's literally the story of my life. I would make a friend and do everything I could to hold onto that connection, only for it to fizzle out. Plus, my brain literally hates itself, so even when I am out with a group, having a great time, all I can think about is "after this school year we'll never talk again, sure we're at dinner now but when you're feeling lonely later no one will care, everyone else likes each other more than they like you" so on and so forth. Literally the biggest self sabotage and I can't fucking stop myself.
To cycle it back to my parents, so because they were older and I was an only child and as now clearly stated socially awkward (I was just an anxious baby and no one cared lol) I spent so much time alone, with my thoughts. So much so that when I was with other people I was still trapped inside my head with my thoughts. And my thoughts are fucking mean and dark. Not to also sound cliche or poetic but I've constantly thought about death since I was a kid too. I remember if I related to a character enough in a movie I'd hope she would die so I could imagine it was me instead. I used to lucid dream a lot, and when I would realize I could control my dreams I would kill myself in my dreams. Usually by jumping off of something or drowning. And that started before I was really conscious of the concept of suicide, at least in the sense where it related to depression.
My relationship with my parents is complicated too. I won't say I was regularly physically abused, but I was hit enough and had things thrown at me so much that I still flinch to this day, and I overcompensate to try to please people to avoid having them yell at me and degrade me (although in the back of my mind I know my parents are more likely to do so than strangers). Dad was barely home because he was working, and when I went through puberty I admittedly took a lot of my teenage girl sarcasm and angst out on him. He didn't help his cause. I'm not going to go into details right now because he has since passed on, but he wasn't a saint to me either. My mom and I have a toxic relationship pretty much. I love her so much and I do everything in order to make her proud of me, even now, but all she does is berate me when I'm at my lowest and push me closer to the brink. I do still live with my mom for a few reasons. One is because after I graduated I worked abroad for a few years, another is she's still in control of my finances seeing as I'm not able to fully support myself yet, and it's just how my family is. My aunts who never married still live with my grandma, so it's kind of a cultural thing. Everything I have ever known is currently in this house. I have lived on my own for stretches of time and that doesn't improve my mindset at all on life, so I'm mainly including this as a disclaimer in case someone suggests I move out. I'm trapped either way.
Like many kids born in 2000 I had unfiltered access to the internet from my first iPod. From there, my spiral into suicidal ideation and self harm began. I only ever told my mom I wanted to kill myself once and she beat the shit out of me. I'm a world class bottler. I don't tell anyone anything, and I keep it all inside. I've had a few attempts and many relapses into cutting starting in my freshman year of high school. Mainly pills and hanging.
I'm going to start to wrap up my first post around here. Over the past two years I've been getting more numb, and desperate to actually go through and succeed with taking my life. I'm so fucking lonely. And now I'm here. Please, don't hesitate to talk to me. I'm really feeling a bit calmer now for the first time in a while that I have a place to properly vent and connect with others who feel the same.
P.s if any actually reads this the whole way through I will cry tears of joy :')
♡Dahlia
