Live Free or Die
A wise man can always be found alone.
- Jan 12, 2022
- 117
Normally I would write down my feelings to myself to help "get them out". But today I thought I'd write them here with you.
I've been in bed all day (my day off). I got up to eat a little bit and go to the bathroom. Watched some TV, but it's been off for a few hours while I lay here in the dark. Mostly have been browsing on here or looking up places I might want to move next year. I've had no energy or motivation to do anything. The past few days were good, felt well enough to game, work was good, ate well, slept well. Not sure what happened today. I felt sadness and anger for no reason at all. It mentally and physically drained me. I thought about ways I could disappear and never be found. I hate that we can be tracked anywhere these days. Phones, cars, cameras, satellites. You can't even just disappear anymore. My mundane existence can't be my only cause of suffering. Why do I feel like this when I shouldn't? I just want to get in my car and drive and never come back. Leave behind my job, apartment, possessions. What would I do? How would I survive? How long before I realize everywhere is the same no matter where I go? That my suffering is conditioned in me. We know we aren't meant to live this way. Our modern existence is our suffering. Is it really inescapable? My suicidal thoughts are deeply rooted in the notion that I am living in an inescapable reality. I've had this bundled paracord in my bed with me. It's to remind of what's to come. To not get too comfortable here because I'm just a guest in a world I don't belong in. That when I've had enough.. that when I'm finally ready.. that death is the only true freedom.
I've been in bed all day (my day off). I got up to eat a little bit and go to the bathroom. Watched some TV, but it's been off for a few hours while I lay here in the dark. Mostly have been browsing on here or looking up places I might want to move next year. I've had no energy or motivation to do anything. The past few days were good, felt well enough to game, work was good, ate well, slept well. Not sure what happened today. I felt sadness and anger for no reason at all. It mentally and physically drained me. I thought about ways I could disappear and never be found. I hate that we can be tracked anywhere these days. Phones, cars, cameras, satellites. You can't even just disappear anymore. My mundane existence can't be my only cause of suffering. Why do I feel like this when I shouldn't? I just want to get in my car and drive and never come back. Leave behind my job, apartment, possessions. What would I do? How would I survive? How long before I realize everywhere is the same no matter where I go? That my suffering is conditioned in me. We know we aren't meant to live this way. Our modern existence is our suffering. Is it really inescapable? My suicidal thoughts are deeply rooted in the notion that I am living in an inescapable reality. I've had this bundled paracord in my bed with me. It's to remind of what's to come. To not get too comfortable here because I'm just a guest in a world I don't belong in. That when I've had enough.. that when I'm finally ready.. that death is the only true freedom.
