Just what the title says. For people who want to recover, I'm wondering what makes you choose that instead of CTB. I'm trying to choose recovery, but hope has always been hard for me to find because when I get really depressed it's like everything is fuzzy. I can't remember the past or imagine the future. But maybe if you guys tell me what gives you hope, it will spark an idea.
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Awww. It's hope related...i'd like to imagine feeling relaxed in a nice restaurant and enjoying a meal with someone. Or hanging out with my brother and family having some chats.
Hope for me is super shaky. When I'm in the height of my despair, my ideations, my biggest thought is mostly how I don't matter. How I can't do anything, how the people around me could survive without me. Basically I lose hope when I feel overwhelmed and helpless. Recently I was feeling hopeless, something horrible transpired that is gonna change life going forward. I found myself thinking -- damn, I wished I had gone through with my method. However, what stopped me was thinking about others. Not living for them, but moreso, I reached out to a friend -- I was in a restless mood, couldn't sleep, didn't end up sleeping even though I laid down. I'm in a more hopeful mood because of that, and also because I got to reach out finally -- not exactly in the way I wanted, but in a regard that made me excited.
Overall, I find my hope recently from asking the question, "why push forward," this answer came to me when I couldn't help but think about those facing genocide (e.g. Gaza, Sudan, Congo, etc), and or other forms of harm, such as Trans people in the United States. When you are being squashed, why continue on, why have kids, why? Then I heard a Trans person speaking, I'm not sure exactly where... nevertheless, they mentioned how if there are Trans people here today, then there will be trans people for tomorrow. Which is important, because as we look in the past we see that Trans people have always existed, and will continue to exist in the future. It's like a reassurance that those in the past made it today, so we can make it to tomorrow.
TLDR: I guess I get my hope from thinking that I could do something good with my existence, with my care. I'm already here, unless I finally choose not to be -- so while I'm here let me do my best to learn how to help others. I say this because I had the thought that I wish I could give my life to someone who died and had a future ahead of them. I know that I will never have that grand future that I envisioned for myself, that I probably won't complete much of my goals in life because I oftentimes fail to commit. Despite that, I could work to give that future to someone else who can do more for themselves.
