Stopping Self harming many years ago as I was doing such deep and long cuts they were taking months to heal up.
They were so bad that when I sat down they would rip back open, bleed through the bandages and then through my pants so I had to hide the blood stains for the rest of the day on my pant legs. (I should have gotten stitches for some of them but I didn't because I wanted to stay clear of the doctors and that.)
That is when I just turned to either walking while listening to music and then watching random youtube documentaries or play video games.
I am a little bit sensitiv to pain, so I never cut that deep. Just enough to see blood but it isn't exciting or relaxing anymore.
And I don't leave my house that often. Being outside just doesn't help me, it is stressfull for me. And numbing myself by watching Yt or so is what I do most of my time.It gets boring too after doing it everyday for years
Honestly I have on and off been debating about relapsing SH.
I tried weed, but that just made me paranoid and stopped smoking it in 2020.
I have at times bordered on alcoholism. My eating disorder basically just took the place of SH, along with walking and journalling.
I do still miss SH though. After years of abuse and neglect and being told I was worthless, it was the only thing that just numbed everything. It just made life hurt less
I personally don't like weed. It makes me more tired but not less depressed. Alcohol is better, but with my parents at home and me not really going outside, getting drunk is not an option.
I have thought about not eating, but I don't know if it would really help and feel like sh to me.
I could never cope with something as torturous and dreadful as existence, to suffer in this existence is an abomination and I don't see how this could be something to cope with as existence itself is the true problem and every second is torturous to be conscious, no matter what I'll just always see this existence as a mistake and I just always suffer so much as a result of existing.
I'd never wish to suffer in this evil existence that just tortures existing beings all for the sake of it with no limit as to how much agony one can feel, to be forced to exist in this dreadful reality truly is a punishment and I find it horrific how a human can be burdened with this existence for decades longer just to face the agony and torture of old age, all that existence does is just cause harm and suffering and it's so terrible to me how humans impose this existence in the first place, existence truly is a mistake, I just want all to be gone and forgotten for me, only non-existence is positive to me, I always suffer so unbearably from existing in this horrific reality where painless death is a crime with the suffering and torture seen as to force and prolong no matter what, to be trapped in this existence is just always so painful.
Well unfortunaly as long as I don't ctb, I will have to get along with life. As much as I hate it, but if my life doesn't change much in university I will probaly not deal with old age.
At the Moment I don't want to put the burder of trying to ctb again on my parents.
Or more I don't want to deal with them being worried and in tears if I fail. And I probaly would fail. I am depressed, don't enjoy my life and suffer definetly, but not enough to be able to actually end my life. I hate this middle thing of being okey and just feeling like shit. Sometimes I just wish I could make my life worse to finaly find a reason to go all the way and ctb, but well..
And life would be so much easier without family. That is definetly the true torture for me. Having to smile everyday just so they don't suffocate me with their worried looks and trie to invade my personal space and talk to me about things I don't want to talk about.
Existence is dreadfull, but like a lot of people and probaly like you there are reasons why leaving is not an option.
And that means having to cope
