What do you do during your ‘off time’?

[lilb0wpeep]

I'm not entirely sure that is the right way to ask this question but simply put it's what I'm asking.
When you're not working and when you're not actively getting ready to go to work(or school ,etc.), what do you do? How do you choose? And how do get yourself to actually start + stick to doing what you're doing?
I feel like when I'm not working the only thing I can get myself to do is eat(even when I really shouldn't and don't want to) and watch tv/youtube/etc. Both of which I want to cut back on and don't find myself actively engaging with/paying attention to in any sense. Sure I could/should shower or could do a hobby but everything feels like 'it's wrong'. And or it takes up to much effort/energy/discomfort/time that I could spend doing the 'right' thing, and so on and so on. I know that's basically just making excuses and yet I still find myself unable to take action 90% of the time. And when I do I only achieve the first step of moving towards the idea/thing and don't actually do the thing. Typically I end up thinking about doing the thing or rehashing problems/scenarios and just kind of there motionless and stuck in my head. Or I'll do things but half assed and then just go back to thinking, rotting, eating, or most likely all of the above. And that's only when I have actually give in and choose an option. Otherwise, or the second I'm 'done' an activity, it's a continuous search of trying to solve my problems/this problem, just as I'm doing right now.
I try to practice meditation, to be more self aware and present in the moment, and what not. But I don't think I'm getting it. It's like I live my life only to work, and when I'm not I'm stuck on autopilot "eatbinge, sleep rot, shit" mode and while I want to escape I'm just trapped and can't do anything but that and search for way to escape(finding no answers). Fr I have no mouth and I must scream.

 

[raineen]

what i want to do in my free time is lay down and sleep for hours on end.
what i usually end up doing is mindlessly browsing the internet, or now, looking at this forum, and sometimes catching up with friends so they don't worry.

 

[Abyss Dweller]

Hey,
You have any chance of maybe seeing a mental health professional? Reason I'm asking is because last time I went to the psychiatrist I told her that I feel like learning but I can't do it as much as I'd like to. Somewhat similarly to you I start but just barely progress or at least I feel like so. I was prescribed Bupropion (Wellbutrin) and it feels like it is working and I can study, enjoy studying and can do it for longer periods.
So it's possible that with the right medication you can get over the hurdle.

 

[lilb0wpeep]

Hey,
You have any chance of maybe seeing a mental health professional? Reason I'm asking is because last time I went to the psychiatrist I told her that I feel like learning but I can't do it as much as I'd like to. Somewhat similarly to you I start but just barely progress or at least I feel like so. I was prescribed Bupropion (Wellbutrin) and it feels like it is working and I can study, enjoy studying and can do it for longer periods.
So it's possible that with the right medication you can get over the hurdle.

I have a bunch over the years. And I've been on so many medications as well, oddly enough the only one I felt had any positive effects was Bupropion. That said it did make my anxiety so insanely bad but it's whatever… the only reason I'm not on it is because it caused seizures so they won't let me take it anymore. Every other med has felt no difference in mood and bad physical side effects or bad effects on mood and bad side physical side effects.
I convinced my psychiatrist that me having a seizure every now and then wasn't as bad as me offing myself so he allowed me to go back on them, but he later changed his mind when I had another seizure…
Now I don't feel like there's anything else I can do.

 

[Pluto]

 

[EveningStock]

I have a bunch over the years. And I've been on so many medications as well, oddly enough the only one I felt had any positive effects was Bupropion. That said it did make my anxiety so insanely bad but it's whatever… the only reason I'm not on it is because it caused seizures so they won't let me take it anymore. Every other med has felt no difference in mood and bad physical side effects or bad effects on mood and bad side physical side effects.
I convinced my psychiatrist that me having a seizure every now and then wasn't as bad as me offing myself so he allowed me to go back on them, but he later changed his mind when I had another seizure…
Now I don't feel like there's anything else I can do.

I'm not entirely sure that is the right way to ask this question but simply put it's what I'm asking.
When you're not working and when you're not actively getting ready to go to work(or school ,etc.), what do you do? How do you choose? And how do get yourself to actually start + stick to doing what you're doing?
I feel like when I'm not working the only thing I can get myself to do is eat(even when I really shouldn't and don't want to) and watch tv/youtube/etc. Both of which I want to cut back on and don't find myself actively engaging with/paying attention to in any sense. Sure I could/should shower or could do a hobby but everything feels like 'it's wrong'. And or it takes up to much effort/energy/discomfort/time that I could spend doing the 'right' thing, and so on and so on. I know that's basically just making excuses and yet I still find myself unable to take action 90% of the time. And when I do I only achieve the first step of moving towards the idea/thing and don't actually do the thing. Typically I end up thinking about doing the thing or rehashing problems/scenarios and just kind of there motionless and stuck in my head. Or I'll do things but half assed and then just go back to thinking, rotting, eating, or most likely all of the above. And that's only when I have actually give in and choose an option. Otherwise, or the second I'm 'done' an activity, it's a continuous search of trying to solve my problems/this problem, just as I'm doing right now.
I try to practice meditation, to be more self aware and present in the moment, and what not. But I don't think I'm getting it. It's like I live my life only to work, and when I'm not I'm stuck on autopilot "eatbinge, sleep rot, shit" mode and while I want to escape I'm just trapped and can't do anything but that and search for way to escape(finding no answers). Fr I have no mouth and I must scream.

When I'm deeply depressed I really do nothing cause why do anything, if you are in pain anyway?
In my worst periods I was either sleeping all days, watching some tv shows or scrolling through my phone. Felt completely braindead, I really had no energy and no desire to do anything constructive.
Now, while medicated, it's much better. I draw and read and go for long walks like I used to before. It's still not ideal, there are days when I'm drained of energy, but generally speaking I can somehow function normally.
I hope you can find meds or treatment working for you.

 

[charlavail]

right now i've been crying a lot, taking unisom to sleep during the day, numbing myself by watching greys anatomy from the start, looking for puppies in the hope a dog will get me out of the house and make me want to live again, journaling while crying, and trying (not super successfully) to not SH when I'm uncontrollably crying

 

[etherealgoddess]

I'm not entirely sure that is the right way to ask this question but simply put it's what I'm asking.
When you're not working and when you're not actively getting ready to go to work(or school ,etc.), what do you do? How do you choose? And how do get yourself to actually start + stick to doing what you're doing?
I feel like when I'm not working the only thing I can get myself to do is eat(even when I really shouldn't and don't want to) and watch tv/youtube/etc. Both of which I want to cut back on and don't find myself actively engaging with/paying attention to in any sense. Sure I could/should shower or could do a hobby but everything feels like 'it's wrong'. And or it takes up to much effort/energy/discomfort/time that I could spend doing the 'right' thing, and so on and so on. I know that's basically just making excuses and yet I still find myself unable to take action 90% of the time. And when I do I only achieve the first step of moving towards the idea/thing and don't actually do the thing. Typically I end up thinking about doing the thing or rehashing problems/scenarios and just kind of there motionless and stuck in my head. Or I'll do things but half assed and then just go back to thinking, rotting, eating, or most likely all of the above. And that's only when I have actually give in and choose an option. Otherwise, or the second I'm 'done' an activity, it's a continuous search of trying to solve my problems/this problem, just as I'm doing right now.
I try to practice meditation, to be more self aware and present in the moment, and what not. But I don't think I'm getting it. It's like I live my life only to work, and when I'm not I'm stuck on autopilot "eatbinge, sleep rot, shit" mode and while I want to escape I'm just trapped and can't do anything but that and search for way to escape(finding no answers). Fr I have no mouth and I must scream.

It's ok. Your body is doing the absolute best to make you feel ok. You're on autopilot because it's too much pain for your body to accept life. You can't be creative when you're dissociated. You can't have the motivation to do things without fear until you've let go of the baggage.

I see your pain. I love the real version… The real version of you with the real pain that you carry on your chest, not the fake, idealized version that pretends to have no point.

You have suffered so much on this earth. That's why you're here on this platform. Just hug yourself today. You're trying your best.

The body is always doing its best. For the longest time, I resented that I couldn't focus or have cool hobbies. I resented that I couldn't do as much as others. And now I realize how much hatred I had for myself. My life had been so hard. I crushed into 10 layers of depression. My body was doing its best to carry the pain. And what I did was say, "Fuck you. Why can't you do better?" If you really think about it as we are hating ourselves even thought we're trying so hard to live, you'll surrender. It makes me cry so much to realize how hard we are on ourselves. Our lives were painful enough

We need love and safety. That's how the pain won't consume us anymore. We'll always carry that pain, but it doesn't have to consume us.