What do you call this? They're not second thoughts but they're messing with my plans.

[Hope:-)]

Everything was set to go ahead, but now it's getting so close the fear of pain and fear of failure are crippling me. How do I negotiate this? I don't want to live anymore but these fear are becoming more pressing. I wish I had someone to talk to but I only have you guys. I honestly don't want to live so it's not that but I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place as I can't seem to quiet these fears.

 

[Huntfish34]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with those fears / feelings,. Been going through the same thing myself lately... Want to die but afraid of going through my plan... Such a terrible and sad situation to say the Least.

I wish you Nothing but the best. Thoughts and prayers to you Always -

 

[Hollowillow]

Everything was set to go ahead, but now it's getting so close the fear of pain and fear of failure are crippling me. How do I negotiate this? I don't want to live anymore but these fear are becoming more pressing. I wish I had someone to talk to but I only have you guys. I honestly don't want to live so it's not that but I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place as I can't seem to quiet these fears.

It's SI, kill it. (I'm joking but... Yeah... That's the explanation)

Maybe if you research it a bit more & get certain... And wait until a bad day instead of a date... The desperation will bypass it. That's what I do. We're here for you. You have us. Someone better than me will probably help soon (I'm new). I told myself the partial hanging was just to test... It bypassed SI until I found a sweet spot to drift... But then SI kicked in. I guess the knot behind the head works best? No clues about other ways...
What is your plan someone could warn of flaws?

 

[Hope:-)]

Thanks for your responses. I have a hotel booked so I kind of have to do it on that date if I'm going to do it. I have become very worried about failing. I can't allow myself to fail because I don't want to be left with longterm health issues. I'm worried that the pain will be too much and that I'll cry out or run for help. I honestly don't know how the people who went before me did it. I think of theanswer and there was nothing that could deter her. They must have had nerves of steel. I feel strange. This could be the last week I'm alive. I have never made an attempt before. No matter what happens this will change my life forever. A failed attempt is very demoralising- it would make me feel like I am stuck here. I don't really know what to do but I feel a bit better than I did earlier.

 

[Hollowillow]

What is the method? As long as you don't end up paralyzed & mute from a broken neck with full suspention hanging, you'll be able to try again even if you get health issues. I tricked my SI thinking it's just a test that I will probably fail. I tried partial hanging... One step closer... It's ok to fail. Just make sure you can move enough to try again. Best if luck. If you researched & prepared well, it improves your odds. Just make sure there are no one who'll find you. If you panic & change your mind it's ok. You can enjoy some more of life's shit show until you have the resolve. I'm in agony, but today I'm happy to see people here. Someone offered me some help so I'll see... But they failed me before... I'm doomed... But no need to rush right now. I'll wait to be desperate for relief... Some people here are waiting years to find the full resolve. It's not a weakness to be conflicted, worried... It's natural... I don't know your reasons, i could solve some easier than the one I have now... But if you're sure you want out... Focus on that? Try whatever it takes, as many times as it takes. Maybe seeing it as a rehearsal with bearable consequences if failed can help overcome SI... It's ok to try things. That's what life us about, ironically...

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand having the fear of failing ctb, but of course many have succeeded at SN. It just really is so difficult to die, as after all our bodies are programmed to survive. Even if someone wants to be gone so much it can still be hard to let go of fears. I think that many people manage to leave when they get so desperate and they feel confident in their method. But I think that those who knew how to overcome their fears of ctb are not here to answer as they have left this world. I wish you relief from suffering.

 

[blackwidow]

you poor soul what a terrible predicament to be in. You say you have a hotel room booked and you HAVE to do it.. actually you don't at all have to do it. Your in control here not someone else., and reading between the lines ide say you know exactly what you want to do.. but the timings not quite right yet. apologies if I'm wrong. I read so many posts like yours, this urgency to ctb on a certain day at a certain time, and the closer that time gets their stress levels just completly ruin and consume their whole being sending them. into a total spin of anxiety and turmoil. Not only is this your SI kicking in of course your going to be in a blind panic as the day gets closer.. not like you do this every day is it.. like you say, it's life changing.,but also its like a pending exam or meeting or something that's looming that your scared to death of. Your tackling both things right now. You mentioned Theanswer, I followed the evening her journey came to an end.. one thing that stuck out to me was her total calmness, realisation, focus, commitment, knowledge and organisation, she had come to terms with her self as to what she was going to do., and sort of made peace with it. (remarkably brave) I believe that when you get to her place mentally that you've managed to kill SI and all other worries, this is a place that you arnt at,.. as well as all the rest of everyone on here.. or we wouldn't be here. Maybe stand back a bit, realise this is in your control and noone else's.. I do wish you all the best, such a tragic situation to be in..

 

[Sick&TiredURGH]

I'm reminding myself on a daily basis that when I woke up after my od attempt last year, it wasn't with relief or gladness. It was with a total 'oh fuck I am still here but how?' feeling.
I didn't want to wake up, I wish I hadn't woken up and shit has just continued to be bad and wrong so this time I am planning and preparing so I don't wake up this time.

 

[rationaltake]

I so understand. And because you're going to a hotel you're pretty much forced to set a date. I've followed your story on here. I find it so hard to post so I don't say much. I need to go and I'm still here. I feel the way you do. Just I'm a lot older. I'm trying to reach calm acceptance. Trying.

 

[Hope:-)]

I so understand. And because you're going to a hotel you're pretty much forced to set a date. I've followed your story on here. I find it so hard to post so I don't say much. I need to go and I'm still here. I feel the way you do. Just I'm a lot older. I'm trying to reach calm acceptance. Trying.

Thanks for the response. You should post more. The weird part is that I'm certain I don't want to live anymore. It's just the physical pain and threat of failure that worry me. I know some people are afraid of death but that part doesn't worry me. I feel a little better atm, but it's up and down. It is so hard.x

you poor soul what a terrible predicament to be in. You say you have a hotel room booked and you HAVE to do it.. actually you don't at all have to do it. Your in control here not someone else., and reading between the lines ide say you know exactly what you want to do.. but the timings not quite right yet. apologies if I'm wrong. I read so many posts like yours, this urgency to ctb on a certain day at a certain time, and the closer that time gets their stress levels just completly ruin and consume their whole being sending them. into a total spin of anxiety and turmoil. Not only is this your SI kicking in of course your going to be in a blind panic as the day gets closer.. not like you do this every day is it.. like you say, it's life changing.,but also its like a pending exam or meeting or something that's looming that your scared to death of. Your tackling both things right now. You mentioned Theanswer, I followed the evening her journey came to an end.. one thing that stuck out to me was her total calmness, realisation, focus, commitment, knowledge and organisation, she had come to terms with her self as to what she was going to do., and sort of made peace with it. (remarkably brave) I believe that when you get to her place mentally that you've managed to kill SI and all other worries, this is a place that you arnt at,.. as well as all the rest of everyone on here.. or we wouldn't be here. Maybe stand back a bit, realise this is in your control and noone else's.. I do wish you all the best, such a tragic situation to be in..

Thanks for your response. I'll consider what you're saying but I'm afraid that if I put it off I'll never do it.x

 

[Dying2DieDamnSI]

Thanks for your responses. I have a hotel booked so I kind of have to do it on that date if I'm going to do it. I have become very worried about failing. I can't allow myself to fail because I don't want to be left with longterm health issues. I'm worried that the pain will be too much and that I'll cry out or run for help. I honestly don't know how the people who went before me did it. I think of theanswer and there was nothing that could deter her. They must have had nerves of steel. I feel strange. This could be the last week I'm alive. I have never made an attempt before. No matter what happens this will change my life forever. A failed attempt is very demoralising- it would make me feel like I am stuck here. I don't really know what to do but I feel a bit better than I did earlier.

I had a hotel room booked for 4 days last week. I went on the second day and ended up going back home before dark. I desperately want to be gone, too, but between the fear and SI, I'm stuck until another desperate time. I'm able to do it at home now.

Please don't feel that just because you have a hotel you HAVE TO do it. I understand the fear and the desperation. Together, they're another nightmare of existence.

 

[AliceTheGoon]

I think of theanswer and there was nothing that could deter her. They must have had nerves of steel.

The 10mg of Klonopin probably had a lot to do with it...that is a gigantic dose. Do you have benzos?

 

[Hope:-)]

The 10mg of Klonopin probably had a lot to do with it...that is a gigantic dose. Do you have benzos?

Nope. No benzos. Trying to get them last minute. Not sure what I could use as an alternative. I have promethesine which is supposed to help anxiety.

I had a hotel room booked for 4 days last week. I went on the second day and ended up going back home before dark. I desperately want to be gone, too, but between the fear and SI, I'm stuck until another desperate time. I'm able to do it at home now.

Please don't feel that just because you have a hotel you HAVE TO do it. I understand the fear and the desperation. Together, they're another nightmare of existence.

Thanks for responding. Were you planning to do the sn method and if so did you have benzos?

 

[Hope:-)]

Had some bad news. Scared and sad,but probably going to go ahead with the attempt.x

 

[Spidermanspiderpoo]

Had some bad news. Scared and sad,but probably going to go ahead with the attempt.x

I wish peace upon you, my friend, regardless of what you choose to do.
Love.

 

[Hope:-)]

I wish peace upon you, my friend, regardless of what you choose to do.
Love.

Thankyou so much.

 

[y'ffre]

If I could overcome that fear, I probably couldn't tell you .