What are your letters/notes like?

[wordsonscreen]

I know this is a personal question. I'm just curious what you all are including in it. Mine feels very harsh and honest-- curious what your notes feel like. Mine is quite long and still not finished. Tonally, mine has honesty, anger, sadness, pain, academic/logical arguments, love, gratitude, and joy.

What kind of things are you including? What is the tone?

 

[booray]

Don't know how close you are to ctb, but for me, it's still a few months off. So I can't even wrap my mind around what I would say to those who are near and dear to me by way of a letter. I think I would tend to make it short and sweet though because I know that I could never justify it in their minds. Something along the lines of "I'm in so much pain that I just can't bear to go on any longer because I know that it will never get better". Just thinking about this is triggering a panic attack, so I know for sure that it couldn't be long. Now I'm crying my eyes out...

 

[kekcal24]

Very long. My reasons for leaving, my abnormal views on life, etc. It's very cathartic for me, to get everything written down. I'm sure my words will just be twisted though, or written off as the ramblings of an insane person.

 

[Pen>Sword]

I just started writing mine last Friday. It's basically saying how much I appreciate that my parents and siblings love me unconditionally, but I can't live anymore because of unbearable anxiety that even the best therapy or medicine can't solve. Eventually, those treatment will build up tolerance, and the permanent solution is suicide.

My parents wasted their money on me, even at my mid-20s. They're investing in my health, education, and everything to have a bright future. But they're betting on a wrong horse.

I have made so many regrets in life that I can't cope with my guilt. I love them so much and I wish I could turn back the clock, and we know that ain't happening. I've got tons of student loans, and if I failed or drop my nursing school, the government ain't lending me anymore. I don't even like nursing school.

I thank God for assigning me to amazing parents who gave up their possessions and profession just to immigrate to Canada to give us a brighter future.

Others are simply last favours such as don't find me, respect my privacy, donate my body and organs to science or those who need it, my funeral plans, and other small things.

It will be like 5-10 pages.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Mine tells a very long story of how I got to this point. I've written two drafts. The first was 6500+ words. The second was down below 2000. I think I'll work on a third, much more succinct one.

I'm inspired by Evan Scott Perry's rather concise note...

things to die for:
1. fear of failing
2. lack of trust in friends
3, working hard for what?
4. never being able to fit in
5. knowing all the bad things are true; being lazy, looser, ugly, untalented, and stupid.
6. what's the point?

things to live for:
1. potential of being something great
2. love of people i trust
3. the future
4. finding trusting friends
5. sadness brought to family
6. feeling better later

so, 6 things to live for and six things to die for

things i want:

york prep to never know why or how i died

to be forgotten

only family is invited to the funeral

for death to be painless

and finally for everyone to move on and know i am sorry but this is for the best

 

[LooksAtMoonDog]

I'll be leaving a will and instructions on what to do with the body, but otherwise I feel no need to explain myself.

 

[Sea Turtle]

Driving factors, my view of the world, discussion of lack of empathy and insufficient support resources, discussion of society's view on suicide and trying to change it (not going to happen, but you know it's worth a try ), wishes for what to do with body and possessions

 

[Trisolaris]

No notes from me. It's obvious why I did it.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Very long. My reasons for leaving, my abnormal views on life, etc. It's very cathartic for me, to get everything written down. I'm sure my words will just be twisted though, or written off as the ramblings of an insane person.

I feel similarly. I'm writing not just for them but for me too. I want people to know the real me. Have you started?

 

[exhaustedrabbit]

I keep tossing around the option of a note but I don't think there's anything more to be said, you know?

Probably just "sorry & goodbye"

 

[wordsonscreen]

Mine tells a very long story of how I got to this point. I've written two drafts. The first was 6500+ words. The second was down below 2000. I think I'll work on a third, much more succinct one.

I'm inspired by Evan Scott Perry's rather concise note...

I see. Mine is about 6000+ words rn + individualized shorter letters. It feels very exposing to be as blunt and honest as I am being because I will be dead so what is the point. But I guess if I explain who I am now properly they can grieve the correct person and not who they think I am. I am also basically telling my story. Its very VERY different from what anybody actually knows. No one knows. I'm not sure I want to take it to the grave.

Driving factors, my view of the world, discussion of lack of empathy and insufficient support resources, discussion of society's view on suicide and trying to change it (not going to happen, but you know it's worth a try ), wishes for what to do with body and possessions

Will it be a list or narrative? Sounds like you're covering good ground!

No notes from me. It's obvious why I did it.

100% dont mean to make anyone feel guilty or bad. But my understanding is that leaving notes helps people who stay alive. The damage is greater without this. I know this from anecdotal and research experience. You can do what you will with that information :)

I keep tossing around the option of a note but I don't think there's anything more to be said, you know?

Probably just "sorry & goodbye"

I understand. I'm going into detail to mitigate the fallout from it all.

 

[Sea Turtle]

I see. Mine is about 6000+ words rn + individualized shorter letters. It feels very exposing to be as blunt and honest as I am being because I will be dead so what is the point. But I guess if I explain who I am now properly they can grieve the correct person and not who they think I am. I am also basically telling my story. Its very VERY different from what anybody actually knows. No one knows. I'm not sure I want to take it to the grave.

Will it be a list or narrative? Sounds like you're covering good ground!

100% dont mean to make anyone feel guilty or bad. But my understanding is that leaving notes helps people who stay alive. The damage is greater without this. I know this from anecdotal and research experience. You can do what you will with that information :)

I understand. I'm going into detail to mitigate the fallout from it all.

It's kind of a mess right now haha, I've rewritten it so many times but it's definitely not final yet. Hope to better organize it, I'm not really sure what it would classify as. Not a list for sure though.

 

[wordsonscreen]

It's kind of a mess right now haha, I've rewritten it so many times but it's definitely not final yet. Hope to better organize it, I'm not really sure what it would classify as. Not a list for sure though.

Ah I see. I am uncertain about mine also.. I also am lacking energy to put in a lot of work into it. I've just been sleeping a lot lately. I want to better organize things too!

 

[Tasdevil]

Not sure if I will leave a note or not. I wouldn't know what to put in it for one thing may just leave instructions about not wanting a funeral.

 

[Lmd]

Last year I had a lot talking about how much I love the people around me. Since I didn't CTB when I should be I tried to put them directly in words and things while I'm alive so I don't have any right now.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Not sure if I will leave a note or not. I wouldn't know what to put in it for one thing may just leave instructions about not wanting a funeral.

I see. Its your choice of course :) People write for themselves or for others or both. sometimes its meant as closure for ourselves or for others or to make someone feel a certain way.

 

[Rue89]

I wrote one each to my mom and dad. They're pretty short, explaining why I'm doing this and that it isn't their fault and I love them. I'd like to write more, but I'm finding it difficult to write to them. I feel bad because I also wrote a longer note, more a vent really, about what I think of pro-lifers and being forced to stay here suffering for so long. I think I'm going to revise it a bit, so that my family hopefully don't take it too personally, because I do understand why they will never accept me leaving, but everyone else, it's completely unacceptable.

I'm working on another note in the google docs app that I think I'll have up as an open tab on my phone, in the likely event that the police hack into my phone. It details who isn't and who is partially to blame for my ctb. I'm sure the police won't do anything about it, but hopefully it'll help my family to not blame themselves so much.

Lastly I'm writing a note about my wish for my mom to keep our cat. I'm afraid that she won't want to take care of him (which I do now) after I'm gone and will take him to the shelter, which would probably traumatize him.

 

[wordsonscreen]

I wrote one each to my mom and dad. They're pretty short, explaining why I'm doing this and that it isn't their fault and I love them. I'd like to write more, but I'm finding it difficult to write to them. I feel bad because I also wrote a longer note, more a vent really, about what I think of pro-lifers and being forced to stay here suffering for so long. I think I'm going to revise it a bit, so that my family hopefully don't take it too personally, because I do understand why they will never accept me leaving, but everyone else, it's completely unacceptable.

I'm working on another note in the google docs app that I think I'll have up as an open tab on my phone, in the likely event that the police hack into my phone. It details who isn't and who is partially to blame for my ctb. I'm sure the police won't do anything about it, but hopefully it'll help my family to not blame themselves so much.

Lastly I'm writing a note about my wish for my mom to keep our cat. I'm afraid that she won't want to care for him (which I do now) after I'm gone and will take him to the shelter, which would probably traumatize him.

I love the way you're organizing all of this!! Its very similar to mine. I'm doing various notes too. And I am including who did and not play a part in me being here also. Feel free to message me if you want to talk more about this! Its a bit overwhelming and I keep revising stuff.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I wrote a dozen notes to others, but I already sent them out before my attempt last May. Only three people didn't get their notes. I'm not sure if I'll send those three, tbh. Anyway, it's kind of embarrassing that I'm still here after sending those notes to people.

 

[minn]

I've tried writing notes before but they tend to go off on tangents or turn into incoherent vents so they've become more of a way to process my thoughts than actual notes to leave for people.

 

[wordsonscreen]

I wrote a dozen notes to others, but I already sent them out before my attempt last May. Only three people didn't get their notes. I'm not sure if I'll send those three, tbh. Anyway, it's kind of embarrassing that I'm still here after sending those notes to people.

Oh dear I understand. But maybe seeing those notes can foster more honesty between you and those dozen people now :)

I've tried writing notes before but they tend to go off on tangents or turn into incoherent vents so they've become more of a way to process my thoughts than actual notes to leave for people.

I'm sure people who love you will appreciate incoherent vents over nothing :) not everything has to be coherent. My stuff is not either. Feelings are not coherent. Life is not coherent either. Our words can reflect that- our frustration and confusion. But I totally feel you. The purpose of writing often transforms during the process.

 

[TooConscious]

I've honestly gone through every perspective.
Sometimes 100% blaming myself or other parties, I could never find a happy medium.
I have a bin bag size packed with hand written writings on paper, some tester notes, some intended to be the final piece. One bag full burnt a year ago.
I came to a personal conclusion I'm not leaving anything because my family will make their own minds up for whatever scenario suits them. There's a couple of friends I am lost for words trying to apologise for wasting their time but I couldn't bring myself to cut them off.

Driving factors, my view of the world, discussion of lack of empathy and insufficient support resources, discussion of society's view on suicide and trying to change it (not going to happen, but you know it's worth a try ), wishes for what to do with body and possessions

Mine always trodded off to how societies views are wicked as if I was in some position to change it I must've wrote for days about it. Probably repeating the same things.

 

[wordsonscreen]

I've honestly gone through every perspective.
Sometimes 100% blaming myself or other parties, I could never find a happy medium.
I have a bin bag size packed with hand written writings on paper, some tester notes, some intended to be the final piece. One bag full burnt a year ago.
I came to a personal conclusion I'm not leaving anything because my family will make their own minds up for whatever scenario suits them. There's a couple of friends I am lost for words trying to apologise for wasting their time but I couldn't bring myself to cut them off.

Mine always trodded off to how societies views are wicked as if I was in some position to change it I must've wrote for days about it. Probably repeating the same things.

"Sometimes 100% blaming myself or other parties, I could never find a happy medium."
I'm actually the same way. I'm operating on extremes but I think its because things have been extreme. SO. I am actually adding all those perspectives. I'm giving warnings that x section will feel angry etc. I want people to know how much I felt and thought through things before I left. It is not on impulse.

 

[TooConscious]

"Sometimes 100% blaming myself or other parties, I could never find a happy medium."
I'm actually the same way. I'm operating on extremes but I think its because things have been extreme. SO. I am actually adding all those perspectives. I'm giving warnings that x section will feel angry etc. I want people to know how much I felt and thought through things before I left. It is not on impulse.

Very well put.
Hope you achieve it.
Ideally I would like to have a layout such as:
This was the situation:
This is what happened...
Who was involved,
How it effected me
My mistakes, their mistakes.

I guess it's all personal but I do believe society's structure of conditioning people to have a lack of empathy and compassion for their fellow humans but putting on a good act showing it (most of them). When I think rationally I'd hate to blame either others around me or myself for everything whilst the likes of the bilderberg group laugh at the suicide statistics going up.

To be honest it just seems like the pile of shit is too deep sorry if I've rambled.

 

[Adamsnolife]

There's no note that I'm doing. Not my thing to be honest

 

[wordsonscreen]

Very well put.
Hope you achieve it.
Ideally I would like to have a layout such as:
This was the situation:
This is what happened...
Who was involved,
How it effected me
My mistakes, their mistakes.

I guess it's all personal but I do believe society's structure of conditioning people to have a lack of empathy and compassion for their fellow humans but putting on a good act showing it (most of them). When I think rationally I'd hate to blame either others around me or myself for everything whilst the likes of the bilderberg group laugh at the suicide statistics going up.

To be honest it just seems like the pile of shit is too deep sorry if I've rambled.

nah man. The pile of shit is too fucking deep. I agree. Its overwhelming. Toooooo many problems haha its just comical.

 

[nightnightnitrite]

Personally, letters that sound too angry or place too much blame on one person or thing seems pointless to me. If they didn't care then, I don't know why they would care after): Also reading the notes is something most people don't do after because they can't handle it. Everything in my apartment is currently sticky noted with names so when my father comes to clean it out he knows what stuff I want my friends to inherit.

Letters to my father will include details of all my personal info/ info needed to wrap everything up easier on the first page as well as the request for no funeral. This page is clearly marked "Must Read- Plans for after" The second page is where I list shortcomings of him as a father. I didn't list all of them because I told it to his face one too many times and if he didn't get it then, he never will.

Letters to my friends are lighthearted and sarcastic. I include what they should have received, why no funeral and to not make my death public. I'm asking them each to do something that reminds them of me the most so it helps them come to terms with it.

The letter to police/emts which will be next to me will include how I did it and asking them if they can clean up a lil bit but I am going to be on a plastic shower curtain to make it easier. It will also include the number to call my father and to tell him there is a note for him with my last requests on it.

I hate inconveniencing people and know finding a body isn't the easiest so I'm trying to make it easier on everybody else.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I have 3 long notes, which are basically a word vomit, very disorganized, probably repetitive and that I've wrote when I'm angry. Don't like it much, I should probably rewrite again but I don't have much brain energy. Maybe I'll have to just go for a simple, short and concise note.

 

[katesmith]

I don't know whether to wrote a note, i wouldn't know what to say! Also I don't know whether to pack up my art studio and move everything out so I don't have to leave it to my mum to do once I am gone.

 

[Totally_nothin]

i am writing my letter in form of story, and the end will also be suicide. I think a lot of people see me as kind and happy person, but in that story I discuss the first thoughts, the reasons, my feelings and overall things from my point of view. I don't care about the length, if there's someone who like me, then he/she will read it from start to end, now it has 66,000 words and I'm still not even 1/2. I really care about it, because if there's something what i want left for others, it's going to be this story.