purebliss
"Just be happy" =)
- Mar 3, 2026
- 481
Hey hey everyone
Today is one of the few times I rant
I am rarely angry at anything trying to at least look jolly from the outside. But today is one of the few days in my life that I snapped
People that followed me more here are aware that I had two CTB Partners when I made active plans to kill myself.
After an extremely insightful psychedelic experience we decided to try to continue living. The two of them were quicker in regaining their life than I was. I was still torn apart between dying and trying to live. I was in deep drug induced psychosis through massive amounts of THC and Benzos and in active denial of my own.
Ironically. It was my CTB Partners telling me that I should try to go to the open psychward at least and that they would very much love for me to live.
After I flew her in they quickly got together after they got more stable. It was nice seeing them trying to make a life together and improving.
Well queue 2 Months later. I was out of the stationary psychward and am currently in the day clinic with a finish date now set for the 07.08. (yay)
First. Before I get to rant about my soul brother I have to rant about myself first.
I would consider myself very well versed in stimulants, psychedelics and dissociatives. Not only in using them but especially in researching them. I have read hundreds of studies about them and also the possible risks and benefits. I was enthralled when I first took a 300ug dose of LSD at how immensely reality shattering it was, and it's ability to completely rip out the most suicidal person out of their hole.
And that was where I made a mistake. While I was actively fearful and respectful of becoming an addict and the negative side effects of the drugs, he was not.
While I was very suicidal I was also more reckless than I should have been. I knew the risks, but took some of them. I have thrown in 4x 300mg of MDMA doses together with those two over 2 weeks accompanied by other drugs like Benzos, Ketamine and LSD.
MDMA is very neurotoxic in those high doses and oxidize your serotonin receptors with possible lasting damage if consumption is continued. It has immense therapeutic benefits but not in those quantities.
I stopped taking most drugs altogether when I was somewhat stable again because of their ability to make your life hell quickly. I will only consume drugs when I really, really need them in a tough spot of life to find an answer to a question I am unable to get an answer to.
Guess what he did: Despite having stable footing now. The desire to keep going. An apprenticeship, a loving girlfriend and everything the normal guy could ask for he threw in drug after drug. Another 3 times MDMA. LSD another 4 times. And Xanax whenever he felt like it.
And I gave him that....
I should have never done that. I thought he was responsible with the use as well because he preached as well back then that he doesn't want to become an addict.
I gladly share if I don't harm someone with it. But this was one of those hard lessons that I should not project what works on me onto others.
Now. He fucked his serotonin receptors with lasting damage which will probably take a full year to heal and has developed severe psychosis with possible Schizophrenia.
He is in the intense delusion that everyone hates him, everyone hunts him, and he is "such a bad person".
2 Days ago he wrote me that he wants 2 Flualprazolam from me, or he will kill himself that very night. He wanted to "punish himself" by starvation, at this point he hadn't eaten a full day.
I talked to him about the risks and our promise to not become addicts.
I advised him to go to the doctor on Monday to get Mirtazapine which would help with depression and anorexia which he agreed on.
A couple of hours later I get a message from him that he is in the last bus and in 10 minutes at my place. I was confused, and a bit worried asking him what about the visit to the doctor and the addiction risks. He just dismissed that and insisted on the benzos.
When he was here I did yet another insane mistake. I didn't want him to take those potent benzos at all knowing that they will not resolve his issues and potentially make it worse. I gave him Ketamine with me as his trip sitter in hopes of him being able to find inner sanctuary and some potential conversation with his inner self.
It was too much. 270mg. He was in a very deep K-Hole. For some this is very much what they desire, for him, he managed to make it into a hellhole again.
It was still reckless for me to give him that high of an amount, and I am ashamed of myself for doing that.
After he came back to some degree he puked a bit but also came out with the insights that he didn't have to hate himself, that nobody of value hates him in any way and that there is more to life than just pure suffering. He didn't want to comsume the benzos anymore but took them with him anyway in case of "a sudden suicidal feeling". I obliged but with a very bad feeling.
That feeling was justified. His junky self took them pretty much immediately the second he woke up. Without any reason or logic.
Now. Today he went into complete and final psychosis. He texted that he will end himself. That there is no merit and how terrible it all is. On questions why it is terrible he simply replied "that it is". When asked why he felt like a bad person he just said "that he is". He has no reason, nor logic nor any comprehensible metric to what he is saying.
I told him to not do anything rash and went to pick him up.
I already realized in the car that he went somewhat insane talking about how he is such a bad person over and over again without any stop. I can barely describe how scary it even sounded after a few times. Oh boy was I not ready for what was about to unfold that night.
I told him that the MDMA after effects affect him greatly. That he is unable to feel joy because of the drug induced psychosis and depression. He knows that his usage made his situation bad saying that he will never touch MDMA again and telling me that the mornings after he woke up with the most terrible feeling he ever felt which obviously compounded into becoming more and more worse with every usage. He did not want to hear any of it. Not only that, but he dismissed any scientific reasoning for his sudden extreme drop in mood instead fully believing that he is just "a bad person" and that that's all there is to it. His terrible experiences on the last two LSD trips apparently "had no impact on him" and the MDMA aftereffects "would already have disappeared" by now. He was absolutely unreachable, and it was impossible to talk any sense into him.
I practically begged him to please consider an open psychward stay. That what he told me, he should do himself. He was only going on and on about how he could trust nobody and everyone is out to hurt him and everyone is a spy. Told him that I obviously do not denounce his wish of death, but I despise his hypocrisy of not taking the same steps he wanted me to take before considering death. He saw how much it helped me despite my distrustful opinions towards such institutions. Furthermore, I also told him that I would give him my "Heath Ledger" Drink if he would still want to die after the entire social net failed him. For me, it was more about winning time now as he is in severe psychosis with an immediate and acute desire to take action right in this instant. He did not want to wait. He did not want to see any alternative.
Dying because you are tired of life or your circumstances are unbearable is absolutely justified, dying because of drug aftereffects without any mental clarity is definitely not.
When we arrived at my place his mood switched a bit, and he was more approachable. I was able to talk some sense into him, and he agreed on our plan that I would be there for him and pass him my Heath Ledger drink if the open psychward could not help him in any way. I would have been there for him in his last moments, I maybe would have even went together with him because what is my life worth without my brother... I love this guy like a brother. There is none I share a bond this deep with. We survived death itself
What followed was nothing short of a fever dream
She now arrived at the train station, and we walked down there to pick her up. The mood was okay, but I felt his psychosis swapping over from time to time just to snap back into sound mind. Absolutely overwhelmed at the entire situation I just went along with it for now. Met her at the train station and drove back up by bus to my place.
During the trip he became unusually silent again, and I already knew that something is not right.
Back at my place everything escalated. He kept going on and on how terrible he is, what an awful guy he is. We asked him multiple time why that is, he did not rape anyone, he did not kill anyone, he did nothing illegal except consuming drugs. Obviously with no answer he just always went back to "because I am". There was no reason or logic and I did not expect it considering that he is currently in active and dangerous drug induced psychosis.
When I went down to grab our food that we ordered and came back up I saw her crying on my couch. Apparently the only thing this fucktard did was telling her that he will kill himself the entire time I was out and that she is "mad" at him. Forcing his schizophrenic beliefs on us that we are somehow mad at him, that we hate him in his twisted make believe world.
She was having an insane panic attack because she likes him as well and fears for every second. She also knows that what he is going through is completely abnormal and far from normal depression or tiredness of life.
At some point I became more and more angry because he proved to us how much he actually hated us. Dismissing every of our feelings, twisting every word we say to suit his narrative that he built for himself. It is like a guy punching himself in the face over and over asking why it hurts.
We are not worth shit to him.
We are not worth to try even the simplest things like taking an antidepressant first
We are not even worth to stay a single day longer alive for him.
He wanted to leave this evening sleeping under a tree.
After almost an hour of discussion where he was repeating the same thing over and over again and she in her complete fear threatening to call the cops on him we managed to convince him to stay this night.
He has decided to sleep on the ground "because he doesn't deserve to sleep on the couch" and crying...
I had enemies who were kinder to me than this guy.
And I can't even be mad at him without being mad at myself.
I did that to him
I gave this guy the ticket into his psychosis.
A disgusting excuse of a friend trying to resolve deep issues that require professional help with neuroplastic drugs not realizing that I drove him further and further into this hell he built for himself...
I was just making good progress in life again
My suicidal thoughts almost diminished for good, I have a loving and caring girlfriend since 5 weeks again which I didn't start to drop feelings for after just a week.
I am almost out of my debt with 10K back into my savings account.
And I had those two in my life with which I could talk about the deepest and most serious topics.
And now I am losing him. I am losing my brother.
Because of the substances I gave to him I am losing him
My mind is falling apart again. I am full of guilt and anger.
It's over I guess
If he kills himself it won't take long for me to follow suit
I did that to him and he has to suffer through that now...
Fuck me
Why am I so insanely arrogant to think that what helps me could help others
Today is one of the few times I rant
I am rarely angry at anything trying to at least look jolly from the outside. But today is one of the few days in my life that I snapped
People that followed me more here are aware that I had two CTB Partners when I made active plans to kill myself.
After an extremely insightful psychedelic experience we decided to try to continue living. The two of them were quicker in regaining their life than I was. I was still torn apart between dying and trying to live. I was in deep drug induced psychosis through massive amounts of THC and Benzos and in active denial of my own.
Ironically. It was my CTB Partners telling me that I should try to go to the open psychward at least and that they would very much love for me to live.
After I flew her in they quickly got together after they got more stable. It was nice seeing them trying to make a life together and improving.
Well queue 2 Months later. I was out of the stationary psychward and am currently in the day clinic with a finish date now set for the 07.08. (yay)
First. Before I get to rant about my soul brother I have to rant about myself first.
I would consider myself very well versed in stimulants, psychedelics and dissociatives. Not only in using them but especially in researching them. I have read hundreds of studies about them and also the possible risks and benefits. I was enthralled when I first took a 300ug dose of LSD at how immensely reality shattering it was, and it's ability to completely rip out the most suicidal person out of their hole.
And that was where I made a mistake. While I was actively fearful and respectful of becoming an addict and the negative side effects of the drugs, he was not.
While I was very suicidal I was also more reckless than I should have been. I knew the risks, but took some of them. I have thrown in 4x 300mg of MDMA doses together with those two over 2 weeks accompanied by other drugs like Benzos, Ketamine and LSD.
MDMA is very neurotoxic in those high doses and oxidize your serotonin receptors with possible lasting damage if consumption is continued. It has immense therapeutic benefits but not in those quantities.
I stopped taking most drugs altogether when I was somewhat stable again because of their ability to make your life hell quickly. I will only consume drugs when I really, really need them in a tough spot of life to find an answer to a question I am unable to get an answer to.
Guess what he did: Despite having stable footing now. The desire to keep going. An apprenticeship, a loving girlfriend and everything the normal guy could ask for he threw in drug after drug. Another 3 times MDMA. LSD another 4 times. And Xanax whenever he felt like it.
And I gave him that....
I should have never done that. I thought he was responsible with the use as well because he preached as well back then that he doesn't want to become an addict.
I gladly share if I don't harm someone with it. But this was one of those hard lessons that I should not project what works on me onto others.
Now. He fucked his serotonin receptors with lasting damage which will probably take a full year to heal and has developed severe psychosis with possible Schizophrenia.
He is in the intense delusion that everyone hates him, everyone hunts him, and he is "such a bad person".
2 Days ago he wrote me that he wants 2 Flualprazolam from me, or he will kill himself that very night. He wanted to "punish himself" by starvation, at this point he hadn't eaten a full day.
I talked to him about the risks and our promise to not become addicts.
I advised him to go to the doctor on Monday to get Mirtazapine which would help with depression and anorexia which he agreed on.
A couple of hours later I get a message from him that he is in the last bus and in 10 minutes at my place. I was confused, and a bit worried asking him what about the visit to the doctor and the addiction risks. He just dismissed that and insisted on the benzos.
When he was here I did yet another insane mistake. I didn't want him to take those potent benzos at all knowing that they will not resolve his issues and potentially make it worse. I gave him Ketamine with me as his trip sitter in hopes of him being able to find inner sanctuary and some potential conversation with his inner self.
It was too much. 270mg. He was in a very deep K-Hole. For some this is very much what they desire, for him, he managed to make it into a hellhole again.
It was still reckless for me to give him that high of an amount, and I am ashamed of myself for doing that.
After he came back to some degree he puked a bit but also came out with the insights that he didn't have to hate himself, that nobody of value hates him in any way and that there is more to life than just pure suffering. He didn't want to comsume the benzos anymore but took them with him anyway in case of "a sudden suicidal feeling". I obliged but with a very bad feeling.
That feeling was justified. His junky self took them pretty much immediately the second he woke up. Without any reason or logic.
Now. Today he went into complete and final psychosis. He texted that he will end himself. That there is no merit and how terrible it all is. On questions why it is terrible he simply replied "that it is". When asked why he felt like a bad person he just said "that he is". He has no reason, nor logic nor any comprehensible metric to what he is saying.
I told him to not do anything rash and went to pick him up.
I already realized in the car that he went somewhat insane talking about how he is such a bad person over and over again without any stop. I can barely describe how scary it even sounded after a few times. Oh boy was I not ready for what was about to unfold that night.
I told him that the MDMA after effects affect him greatly. That he is unable to feel joy because of the drug induced psychosis and depression. He knows that his usage made his situation bad saying that he will never touch MDMA again and telling me that the mornings after he woke up with the most terrible feeling he ever felt which obviously compounded into becoming more and more worse with every usage. He did not want to hear any of it. Not only that, but he dismissed any scientific reasoning for his sudden extreme drop in mood instead fully believing that he is just "a bad person" and that that's all there is to it. His terrible experiences on the last two LSD trips apparently "had no impact on him" and the MDMA aftereffects "would already have disappeared" by now. He was absolutely unreachable, and it was impossible to talk any sense into him.
I practically begged him to please consider an open psychward stay. That what he told me, he should do himself. He was only going on and on about how he could trust nobody and everyone is out to hurt him and everyone is a spy. Told him that I obviously do not denounce his wish of death, but I despise his hypocrisy of not taking the same steps he wanted me to take before considering death. He saw how much it helped me despite my distrustful opinions towards such institutions. Furthermore, I also told him that I would give him my "Heath Ledger" Drink if he would still want to die after the entire social net failed him. For me, it was more about winning time now as he is in severe psychosis with an immediate and acute desire to take action right in this instant. He did not want to wait. He did not want to see any alternative.
Dying because you are tired of life or your circumstances are unbearable is absolutely justified, dying because of drug aftereffects without any mental clarity is definitely not.
When we arrived at my place his mood switched a bit, and he was more approachable. I was able to talk some sense into him, and he agreed on our plan that I would be there for him and pass him my Heath Ledger drink if the open psychward could not help him in any way. I would have been there for him in his last moments, I maybe would have even went together with him because what is my life worth without my brother... I love this guy like a brother. There is none I share a bond this deep with. We survived death itself
What followed was nothing short of a fever dream
She now arrived at the train station, and we walked down there to pick her up. The mood was okay, but I felt his psychosis swapping over from time to time just to snap back into sound mind. Absolutely overwhelmed at the entire situation I just went along with it for now. Met her at the train station and drove back up by bus to my place.
During the trip he became unusually silent again, and I already knew that something is not right.
Back at my place everything escalated. He kept going on and on how terrible he is, what an awful guy he is. We asked him multiple time why that is, he did not rape anyone, he did not kill anyone, he did nothing illegal except consuming drugs. Obviously with no answer he just always went back to "because I am". There was no reason or logic and I did not expect it considering that he is currently in active and dangerous drug induced psychosis.
When I went down to grab our food that we ordered and came back up I saw her crying on my couch. Apparently the only thing this fucktard did was telling her that he will kill himself the entire time I was out and that she is "mad" at him. Forcing his schizophrenic beliefs on us that we are somehow mad at him, that we hate him in his twisted make believe world.
She was having an insane panic attack because she likes him as well and fears for every second. She also knows that what he is going through is completely abnormal and far from normal depression or tiredness of life.
At some point I became more and more angry because he proved to us how much he actually hated us. Dismissing every of our feelings, twisting every word we say to suit his narrative that he built for himself. It is like a guy punching himself in the face over and over asking why it hurts.
We are not worth shit to him.
We are not worth to try even the simplest things like taking an antidepressant first
We are not even worth to stay a single day longer alive for him.
He wanted to leave this evening sleeping under a tree.
After almost an hour of discussion where he was repeating the same thing over and over again and she in her complete fear threatening to call the cops on him we managed to convince him to stay this night.
He has decided to sleep on the ground "because he doesn't deserve to sleep on the couch" and crying...
I had enemies who were kinder to me than this guy.
And I can't even be mad at him without being mad at myself.
I did that to him
I gave this guy the ticket into his psychosis.
A disgusting excuse of a friend trying to resolve deep issues that require professional help with neuroplastic drugs not realizing that I drove him further and further into this hell he built for himself...
I was just making good progress in life again
My suicidal thoughts almost diminished for good, I have a loving and caring girlfriend since 5 weeks again which I didn't start to drop feelings for after just a week.
I am almost out of my debt with 10K back into my savings account.
And I had those two in my life with which I could talk about the deepest and most serious topics.
And now I am losing him. I am losing my brother.
Because of the substances I gave to him I am losing him
My mind is falling apart again. I am full of guilt and anger.
It's over I guess
If he kills himself it won't take long for me to follow suit
I did that to him and he has to suffer through that now...
Fuck me
Why am I so insanely arrogant to think that what helps me could help others
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