Weird good thing happened today...

[noname223]

I am not sure what that was. I am not sure about the intention of her.

In my autism self-help group there was a very interesting woman. We wanted to meet in real life together with other autistic people. But noone was interested only we two were left. Some weeks ago she told us if there are only two people it doesn't make sense.

I am not sure why now. I am not sure what has changed. There is the theory I had a very leftwing message on my messenger app. I am not sure if this really happened. I don't know whether she actually clicked on it. But shortly afterwards she wanted to intitiate a meeting. Again, only we two were left but she agreed to a meeting. She also texted me yesterday to comfort me for what happened with my therapist. We texted a bit. I think it was obvious for her that I was interested into her.

Today, we met 3,5 hours. And I took a half benzo beforehand.
Very deep, emotional conversations. Where we both showed vulnerabilities. There is a huge but. She is in a long-distance relationship. She once said that. I am really not sure about her intentions. From the vibe (and you really should not trust me in my perception) I have some theories. It could be that she is in an open relationship. I think many autistic women have a low sex drive from what I have heard. Maybe this meeting was in some form a date on the emotional level. But I could very well imagine she might be asexual. I am not sure.
And I had the feeling she is an SA survivor. I met many female SA survivors in my life, she also has CPTSD. And it seems obvious in her case. It could be all of that was in some form a date for her. But maybe she is only interested in emotional closeness and no intimacy. Actually, I am not sure whether I am actually that good in giving women intimacy. But at least I am honest. She is very much into feminism, intersectionality and anti-capitalism. We had decent debates today. There were some issues we had different positons on. But I think there were no fundamental differences. I was really careful what to say. I am not that much into intersectionality. But I would say I support anti-capitalism and pro-feminism a lot.

She is an incredibly interesting woman. I have to admit that. She is again intellectually gifted. Similar to the borderline woman I met on a dating app at the start of the year.

When we said goodbye we both emphasized how great the meeting was. That we can do this more often. And that we will text.

Tbh texting is pretty important for me. But I am emotionally confused. I theoretically thought about having friendship with benefits. Or dating someone in an open relationship.

I feel like the pressure is lower if she is in an open relationship. Because she doesn't actually want to build a future with me (?) Or would it be actually that? I am not sure how long things like that last. I think I am not someone to build a future with. I don't want kids, I cannot work. She might cannot work either.

The irony is: I might be wrong in that. But many things had to happen so that our meeting like today actually took place. And many variables were highly influenced by my massive betrayal and backstabbing by my therapist. I think if this didn't happen. The meeting today would not have taken place. There is even some likelihood in this statement.

I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. I don't have the feeling at all that she wants to quit her current relationship. But the meeting today as it happened would make the most sense if she was in an open relationship...

How many hours after the meeting shall I text her? And what should I say to her? Advice needed.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

If your interest in her is romantic/sexual I'd keep the texting to a minimum. And I think if you want to take it to the next level you should try to find some fun things you can do together in person. I've often read that laughing is the best aphrodisiac and I feel like that's probably true. Don't get me wrong, I know these long drawn-out text sessions and heart-to-heart talks might feel good and like they're facilitating a bond of sorts, but I don't think they're the best way to become involved with another person.

The thing about fun and laughter is that they're lighthearted by definition. And when you're just starting out with someone, it's crucial to have a lot of it. It sets the stage for something deeper down the line and it helps pace the early stages of the relationship, where taking your time is most important. I do feel it's good to not throw too much emotion at her (in whatever form) prematurely.

Just my 2 cents, but it's maybe something to think about.

 

[noname223]

If your interest in her is romantic/sexual I'd keep the texting to a minimum. And I think if you want to take it to the next level you should try to find some fun things you can do together in person. I've often read that laughing is the best aphrodisiac and I feel like that's probably true. Don't get me wrong, I know these long drawn-out text sessions and heart-to-heart talks might feel good and like they're facilitating a bond of sorts, but I don't think they're the best way to become involved with another person.

The thing about fun and laughter is that they're lighthearted by definition. And when you're just starting out with someone, it's crucial to have a lot of it. It sets the stage for something deeper down the line and it helps pace the early stages of the relationship, where taking your time is most important. I do feel it's good to not throw too much emotion at her (in whatever form) prematurely.

Just my 2 cents, but it's maybe something to think about.

I think you are right. And I appreciate sharing your wisdom. Thank you for that. I also think too much texting would be detrimental. The difference to my experience with most women from dating app is: we barely texted but we had a really great first meeting in person.

Due to the fact she is in a relationship I think I also don't want to text too much. I try to respect boundaries. There should not be a co-dependency as with most borderline women I had contact with.

We laughed together. Especially, at the end of the meeting. I cracked some jokes. And I gave her a compliment on a joke where she got me. Your laughing advice feels like she actually knew about something like that when she tried to crack jokes. Maybe I gave her too few compliments. But I tried to be defensive. Because I don't actually know in which form of relationship she currently is in. I think one important thing was: not to get into physical contact with her without permission. She also told me when we met a random (weird) dude on the street that she was actually scared of him.

I think I am somewhat good in cracking jokes. But I am not good at natural laughing. I am a little bit too clinical/distanced in my facial expression.

We took a long walk in mother nature. Something I also enjoy. But I am not interested in most normal activities people are interested in like bouldering. Maybe I have to be more openminded. But I am so clumsy in most activities.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

It sounds like a promising start, in any case. I think if you both expressed yourselves, had a good convo and were also able to laugh a bit, then great. If she knows you like her though, then my feeling is that you should do what you can to take some pressure off her and the situation. Be as easygoing as possible for as long as you can, basically. Maybe even go radio silent for a few days and then say "hey, do you feel like ___" as in, doing something together.

I know what it's like to not really have normie interests, I'm that way too, but maybe you could suggest going to a book store, playing a board game, or go wine tasting. My feeling is that it's extra important to go slow and extend your time horizon if you feel she may suffer from something like trauma/CPTSD.

 

[noname223]

The whole thing gives me weird vibes retrospectively.

I met so many borderline women in my life. It is difficult to distinguish between her diagnoses and borderline. But some things bugged me.

We were extremely open about our traumata. And we each other pushed us to go deeper and deeper. And noone of us felt awkward about it. It was an extremely intensive experience. I am not sure whether usual human connection is really like that...(I think most women I came closer with had borderline)
we both have traumatas and maybe that's some form of over-sharing. But it felt a little bit like an emotional dependency. It was a little bit overwhelming. And I felt exactly that with most borderline women I interacted with. It felt very special. It felt amazing. But the intensity of this was weird.

The second thing that bugged me. She once mentioned she is in a long-distance relationship in the group chat. But yesterday she didn't mention she is in a relationship at all. Why? It felt like a little bit of a secret? I asked myself does he actually know about me. And my first intuition she probably told him that. They are probably in an open-relationship and she is transparent about it. But that's my thinking. Other people have different reasoning. Autistic people are bad at theory of mind. They often assume others would actually have the same intentions/reasoning as themselves. Something which seems at least as likely as my theory she is in an open relationship is: she is cheating in an emotional way on her boyfriend.

I wouldn't stop the contact. That's for sure. It is only a theory thus far. But I am very careful with more signs. Maybe I am overparanoid. But god damn I think 75% o all women that were interested in me had borderline.

I can remember though (the first woman I dated ever) she had PTSD. And not borderline She is now doing her PhD and I am quite happy for her.