I may feel slightly better than these past few months but I still want to ctb so bad.
I think there's only 2 reason why people continue to live. It's either they have responsibility or dreams, or both. Unfortunately, my dreams died this year,as for responsibility I don't think I am responsible for anything other than my actions and obv myself. One thing that worries me greatly is that university is starting again soon and I don't want to waste money,time, and energy for nothing anymore, knowing that I'll kill myself eventually, and I'm sure of that because I don't think I can bear living for too long. My dilemma? Why should I not kill myself now, before univ start so that I can relieve myself and my parents of all the trouble, not waste my parent's money. Maybe some of you will say that the reason why I shouldn't ctb is due to the fact that I'm actually considering not doing/postponing it, that I still have hope. But no, because no matter how good i feel rn or how much hope i have It's just a matter of time before I fall into a major depressive episode again and I am so done with that feeling,with pain,with hopelessness,with feeling so shitty for a reason that I can never seem to know so it just continues into a cycle of regret,shame, and self-blame. Blaming myself for feeling this way wherein I have what would some people say a "perfect life" and yet I still feel like this even though the people around me are losing their loved ones,their job, and have worse living condition than me. So, that got me thinking that "what if i ctb earlier then i wouldn't have to feel this way now".And this is not something i thought impulsively I've been feeling like this for years-"if only I killed myself when I was 12 then I wouldn't experience any of this".Im sorry this thread is all over the place. Im not obviously telling you to encourage me to die, I know that's forbidden here but your opinion,perhaps? What would you do?
I think there's only 2 reason why people continue to live. It's either they have responsibility or dreams, or both. Unfortunately, my dreams died this year,as for responsibility I don't think I am responsible for anything other than my actions and obv myself. One thing that worries me greatly is that university is starting again soon and I don't want to waste money,time, and energy for nothing anymore, knowing that I'll kill myself eventually, and I'm sure of that because I don't think I can bear living for too long. My dilemma? Why should I not kill myself now, before univ start so that I can relieve myself and my parents of all the trouble, not waste my parent's money. Maybe some of you will say that the reason why I shouldn't ctb is due to the fact that I'm actually considering not doing/postponing it, that I still have hope. But no, because no matter how good i feel rn or how much hope i have It's just a matter of time before I fall into a major depressive episode again and I am so done with that feeling,with pain,with hopelessness,with feeling so shitty for a reason that I can never seem to know so it just continues into a cycle of regret,shame, and self-blame. Blaming myself for feeling this way wherein I have what would some people say a "perfect life" and yet I still feel like this even though the people around me are losing their loved ones,their job, and have worse living condition than me. So, that got me thinking that "what if i ctb earlier then i wouldn't have to feel this way now".And this is not something i thought impulsively I've been feeling like this for years-"if only I killed myself when I was 12 then I wouldn't experience any of this".Im sorry this thread is all over the place. Im not obviously telling you to encourage me to die, I know that's forbidden here but your opinion,perhaps? What would you do?
