Discussion Was it worth having lived?

[freedompass]

Given the nature of this website, most of us are contemplating ending it. My question is, does that negate any value we gained from ever being born/living? Plenty of people say they wish they had never been born 'sometimes'. Is that actually true for you? Given the rather unpleasant nature of suicide are you still happy to have lived? Or would you have chosen to stay in a state of nothingness, no consciousness, no you, therefore no need for suffering or death?

Personally I would have preferred to stay in 'the void', and never become a person/individual with all that entails. I look forward to losing my identity as I kind of despise myself to be honest. Doesn't 'familiarity' usually 'breed contempt'? Well spending 95% of my time alone certainly qualifies as familiarity I reckon.

It isn't that I never had good times. Aspects of my childhood were quite idyllic, in many ways a sheltered existence. But does it compensate for the deluge of shit that came later? No, it emphatically doesn't. Did it have any lasting meaning beyond some pleasant hazy memories (probably rose tinted nostalgia)? I think not.

So yeah I'd be interested to hear from anyone who is actually glad they had a chance at living, despite being pretty sure it won't end well?

Or if you are like me?

 

[rationaltake]

My life has been absolute rubbish. Despite some relatively good bits I wish I'd never bothered. Obviously I wasn't given the choice.

 

[fillthevoid]

I'd rather never have been born.

 

[wljourney]

Well, considering that most people who suffer from depression tend to only remember the bad things and have a hard time remembering the "good", I would assume that many will reply with "no. It wasn't worth it."

However, looking back I know there were happy moments. Riding a horse. Cuddling my dog. Loving and being loved (even if only briefly). Learning to dive. Catching a big fish. Eating crème brûlée.

In those moments the good outweighed the bad.

Now this balance has changed for the worse, but yes, there were times when life was worth living.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, to me life can never be worth living. Life is just a pointless experience that we go through for the sake of it and it is completely unnecessary. There is no need to exist, I believe that life should not have been a thing in the first place. Existence itself is the cause of all suffering. We were all perfectly fine not existing until we were forced to live. I have never wanted anything to do with this life.

Life is so temporary and meaningless yet at the same time so depressing and painful. I look forward to nothingness as I know that is where I belong. To forget about this life and finally be free is all I want.

 

[alexlondon365]

i actually had a pretty good life before i fucked it all up, if it had ended some months ago i couldn't have complained. now i face decades of misery till my natural death (presumably), so yes it seems pointless now. i also almost died at birth, maybe i didn't really wanna be born into this life.

 

[eremito]

I reminisce about the beauty of the past. Wherever I go, I carry my memories in my mind.

 

[freedompass]

That Shakespeare quote springs to mind. About life being 'a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing'.

Well, considering that most people who suffer from depression tend to only remember the bad things and have a hard time remembering the "good", I would assume that many will reply with "no. It wasn't worth it."

However, looking back I know there were happy moments. Riding a horse. Cuddling my dog. Loving and being loved (even if only briefly). Learning to dive. Catching a big fish. Eating crème brûlée.

In those moments the good outweighed the bad.

Now this balance has changed for the worse, but yes, there were times when life was worth living.

Yeah I hear that. I don't want to assume everyone here is 'depressed' as such. I've seen some who say their lives are outwardly fine and even great. Others who aren't diagnosed with a mental illness. I myself am in a supposedly stable phase of my bipolar. I've been told I seem chatty and upbeat lol. Thought I was trying to recover. I dunno to dismiss all of us as 'depressed' just doesn't sit well with me.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

There's been some decent moments but overall a big failure…

 

[Sunset Limited]

Not for me.

 

[Lullaby]

I had an incredibly rough upbringing, I was born into a violent and dysfunctional household. I've had some good moments, but the bad definitely outweigh it and I've struggled with so many different things since I was a child.

With that thought, I've felt like because my life has always been so tumultuous, that I was probably never meant to be here. If I had a choice, I would have just never been born.

 

[may13]

I can honestly say that I am grateful to have been here. I've experienced amazing adventures, I've loved (and have been loved by) incredible people, and I've found a profoundly deep sense of spirituality (albeit secular) in my existence as part of the universe.

I see the coming days more as the end of a good book or the perfect meal.

Most of it was amazing while it lasted, but as they say, all good things must come to an end.

 

[freedompass]

No, to me life can never be worth living. Life is just a pointless experience that we go through for the sake of it and it is completely unnecessary. There is no need to exist, I believe that life should not have been a thing in the first place. Existence itself is the cause of all suffering. We were all perfectly fine not existing until we were forced to live. I have never wanted anything to do with this life.

Life is so temporary and meaningless yet at the same time so depressing and painful. I look forward to nothingness as I know that is where I belong. To forget about this life and finally be free is all I want.

I hear ya about wanting to forget this life. I really do. And most of it has been pretty forgettable. My recurring manic psychosis always has me believing I've died and been reborn haha. Talk about wish fulfilment. Mania seems to have a lot in common with narcissism. I know I really love myself at those times. Not in a healthy way! In an obnoxious 'sun shines out of my ass' way.

You say you 'belong' in nothingness. Like you just want to erase yourself, you are troubled that you even exist. For the most part I feel the same. It is only the bipolar psychosis that has me feeling that life on an alternate planet, in a different sort of body and with godlike powers could be cool! But here, like this, being a marginal psychiatric patient on disability with few social connections and lonely old age to look forward to? No fucking way.

Psychosis is essentially a flight from 'reality' I guess because 'reality' is just unbearable, the mind can't encompass it and the heart doesn't want to believe it. It's always 'harsh' isn't it never soft or delightful lol. No feeling in the world is worse than coming down from a bipolar high. In the end you realise how dangerous that enticing euphoria is and just do whatever you can to stay balanced.

I've veered off topic again.

I can honestly say that I am grateful to have been here. I've experienced amazing adventures, loved (and been loved by) incredible people, and found a profoundly deep sense of spirituality (albeit secular) in my existence as part of the universe.

I see the coming days more as the end of a good book or the perfect meal.

Most of it was amazing while it lasted, but as they say, all good things must come to an end.

Really pleased you feel that way. I hoped someone would! I can't help wondering what has brought you here, whether older age, life events or illness is the main factor. Feel free to share if you care to.

 

[may13]

I hear ya about wanting to forget this life. I really do. And most of it has been pretty forgettable. My recurring manic psychosis always has me believing I've died and been reborn haha. Talk about wish fulfilment. Mania seems to have a lot in common with narcissism. I know I really love myself at those times. Not in a healthy way! In an obnoxious 'sun shines out of my ass' way.

You say you 'belong' in nothingness. Like you just want to erase yourself, you are troubled that you even exist. For the most part I feel the same. It is only the bipolar psychosis that has me feeling that life on an alternate planet, in a different sort of body and with godlike powers could be cool! But here, like this, being a marginal psychiatric patient on disability with few social connections and lonely old age to look forward to? No fucking way.

Psychosis is essentially a flight from 'reality' I guess because 'reality' is just unbearable, the mind can't encompass it and the heart doesn't want to believe it. It's always 'harsh' isn't it never soft or delightful lol. No feeling in the world is worse than coming down from a bipolar high. In the end you realise how dangerous that enticing euphoria is and just do whatever you can to stay balanced.

I've veered off topic again.

Really pleased you feel that way. I hoped someone would! I can't help wondering what has brought you here, whether older age, life events or illness is the main factor. Feel free to share if you care to.

If you're really interested I would share over PM. The details would come closer to identifying myself than I care to. But most of it can probably be pieced together from previous posts.

 

[befree]

Yes, in the 90th.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

What value have I gained? Born the wrong sex and hated myself for as long as I remember. Our only purpose is to work, pay taxes, and die. The only ones who get good value out of life are those that are able to appreciate their appearance, have good romantic relationships, etc.

Hobbies and crap are just temporary and do nothing if you cant feel good doing them. If my life had significant value to me, I'd be less likely to CTB.

/rant

 

[Judy Garland]

No.

 

[freedompass]

If you're really interested I would share over PM. The details would come closer to identifying myself than I care to. But most of it can probably be pieced together from previous posts.

Oh ok I'll check those out, thanks!

 

[Rosiel]

I suppose it is one of those thing whereby it was worth it just for the experience, like trying out a new dish that didn't turn out that great in the end. But then again, I have been lucky enough to have a relatively healthy mind (not suffer from mental illness), but just bad luck with career and money, etc. which is the cause of my struggles right now. I agree with what what @wljourney said earlier, it was worth it for me if I think about all those moments of pure love and joy. Just sometimes, it gets too hard and I do not have the strength of character to push through the setbacks and the struggles. I am too tired at this point for that.

If, however, there is simply nothingness after death, I guess it wouldn't matter whether you live or you did as there would be no consciousness to store and remember it fondly, or even regret it.

 

[RainAndSadness]

No. I'm almost 30 years old and my life is an concatenation of traumatic experiences. Nothing else. I shouldn't have been born and I really wish to this day that I was aborted instead. Sadly, I'm here and I'm exposed to the cruelty of life every single day. I still regret that I was unable to leave back when I was 14 years old, it would have saved me a lot of unnessary suffering. That was my moment and I missed it.

 

[Darkover]

no it's completely pointless being alive here it be better to never exist at all

 

[StarryStarry]

My life has been worthless. I often wish the woman who had me had gone through with her wish to have an abortion.

 

[Mental_Pain]

I guess life would have been ok if any single thing had worked out. Ultimately I think I was doomed from the start but I just kept fighting hoping it was going to get better. It didn't and now I sit here wishing for some sort of miracle or peace at last. Unfortunately I cannot find peace in this world so I'm just waiting for my bus pass to turn up.

I'm aware that I'm surrounded (on this forum) by those who feel similar feelings. If anyone wants to chat I'll be here for a bit.

 

[StarryStarry]

I guess life would have been ok if any single thing had worked out. Ultimately I think I was doomed from the start but I just kept fighting hoping it was going to get better. It didn't and now I sit here wishing for some sort of miracle or peace at last. Unfortunately I cannot find peace in this world so I'm just waiting for my bus pass to turn up.

I'm aware that I'm surrounded (on this forum) by those who feel similar feelings. If anyone wants to chat I'll be here for a bit.

I guess life would have been ok if any single thing had worked out. Ultimately I think I was doomed from the start but I just kept fighting hoping it was going to get better. It didn't and now I sit here wishing for some sort of miracle or peace at last. Unfortunately I cannot find peace in this world so I'm just waiting for my bus pass to turn up.

I'm aware that I'm surrounded (on this forum) by those who feel similar feelings. If anyone wants to chat I'll be here for a bit.

I understand how you feel and am so sorry that you are going through this.

 

[jimmy7754]

No.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

No . i wish i were never born. Got addicted to useless trash like TV, news, sports, anything on Tv, media youtube got brainwashed into thinking i "loved" that useless time wasting garbage on TV and youtube. Never taught anything about reality . .i was taught all the wrong information. Then i had to work so hard every day just to exist in this evil world. All the while just waiting until extreme torture like unbearable unending pain, homelessness, alsheimers, stroke, dementia, parasites, cancer,disease ,accident ,old age etc get me all for no purpose at all . Senseless extreme torture for no purpose at all , no reason . Even if i would've had a so called good life old age will get you no matter what. look at what happened to Robin Williams, Christopher Reeve, Terry Semel Yahoo billionaire got Alsheimers etc. and the useless animal needs/pleasures like eating that are nothing compared to the extreme torture pain that is possible and probable. always hungry always working to get more food only to have to keep constantly eating shopping washing dishes trash and bathroom breaks just to take care of one need hunger for food which every animal is a slave to including human animals. i could go on 10000 pages writing about the horrors of life and this evil world the scams injustice grief pain etc. imo LIfe is the worst function in the universe.

 

[Mental_Pain]

I understand how you feel and am so sorry that you are going through this

Thank you. I just spent the last few minutes considering whether I could be a cat person due to your profile. I can't so I changed my avatar to a GSD who looks similar to the one I used to have. I miss him so much.

Anyway..

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

For me yes

 

[StarryStarry]

I guess life would have been ok if any single thing had worked out. Ultimately I think I was doomed from the start but I just kept fighting hoping it was going to get better. It didn't and now I sit here wishing for some sort of miracle or peace at last. Unfortunately I cannot find peace in this world so I'm just waiting for my bus pass to turn up.

I'm aware that I'm surrounded (on this forum) by those who feel similar feelings. If anyone wants to chat I'll be here for a bit.

I guess life would have been ok if any single thing had worked out. Ultimately I think I was doomed from the start but I just kept fighting hoping it was going to get better. It didn't and now I sit here wishing for some sort of miracle or peace at last. Unfortunately I cannot find peace in this world so I'm just waiting for my bus pass to turn up.

I'm aware that I'm surrounded (on this forum) by those who feel similar feelings. If anyone wants to chat I'll be here for a bit.

I understand how you feel and am so sorry that you are going through this.

Thank you. I just spent the last few minutes considering whether I could be a cat person due to your profile. I can't so I changed my avatar to a GSD who looks similar to the one I used to have. I miss him so much.

Anyway..

Such an adorable dog!! Hang in there. Animals are the best. Their love is real.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I got lucky with not experiencing too much physical pain and predatory humans, but there are just not enough positive things to make this worth it. Especially now, after tens or hundreds of mental breakdowns and relatively new-found inceldom. If I had died when I first to become apathetic/passively suicidal, then my life might've been slightly better than neutral, depending on how you look at it.