Little venty simply because I have no where else to get it out:
I've been away from SS for a bit, thinking I finally figured out how to live without wanting to die. Turns out that isn't true and the thoughts to CTB are back with vengeance.
Fought with my boyfriend tonight for the hell of it. He has been my greatest supporter so far in this life, so that means I don't want him around when I'm struggling with intense feelings and desire to no longer live.
I want to wallow in thoughts of death and fantasize about how I'm going to do it. This has been a long standing theme as spring arrives. I always feel that now that the world is alive, maybe I can get away with not being myself. I'm approaching a year of the breakdown of my engagement and my first mental breakdown that led to hospitalization.
It has got to be this year that I succeed in CTB. I CANT STAY HERE ANYMORE. I've waited long enough, and for me, spring does not come.
I've been away from SS for a bit, thinking I finally figured out how to live without wanting to die. Turns out that isn't true and the thoughts to CTB are back with vengeance.
Fought with my boyfriend tonight for the hell of it. He has been my greatest supporter so far in this life, so that means I don't want him around when I'm struggling with intense feelings and desire to no longer live.
I want to wallow in thoughts of death and fantasize about how I'm going to do it. This has been a long standing theme as spring arrives. I always feel that now that the world is alive, maybe I can get away with not being myself. I'm approaching a year of the breakdown of my engagement and my first mental breakdown that led to hospitalization.
It has got to be this year that I succeed in CTB. I CANT STAY HERE ANYMORE. I've waited long enough, and for me, spring does not come.
