StupidGirl001
One day I'm gonna grow wings
- Aug 1, 2026
- 25
This is my first time posting here in SaSu, and it's in the Recovery section instead of the Suicide one, which I've explored much more, so I hope I'm not out of place or wasting anyone's time with my distorted brain. I'd just like some honest feedback, of course with no obligations to anyone.
I've spent my whole life being an outcast in every social context I've ever been in: school, family... I've always been on my own, no matter what. I think my childhood played a role in this, since it objectively hasn't been the best, but I still find it difficult to connect certain behaviors to specific events, first of all because I don't remember anything, and secondly because I've always been apathetic, stone-hard, and "comforted by the uncomfortable"...
I've always been bullied, even though "bullied" seems to make it sound more serious than it really was. It's not like anyone even said things that were untrue, since I am indeed ugly, fat, unlovable, etc., but maybe the "physical" part is less justified. This went on until my family and I moved. I started at a new school where I met new people. My classmates aren't any nicer; they just say uglier things behind my back. Once, a girl even texted me that I'm insufferable, that I'm all wrong and emotionally dumb, and that wherever I go in life, no one will ever truly want me. But I met this English teacher who is truly an amazing, lovely person. I talked to her and slowly understood that she had been unwanted too in her youth, but now she is building her life in a work environment where she feels content and welcomed.
Sadly, some other things happened. I've always looked forward to studying in another country, but when I went for a one-week stay, they didn't want me either. This made me feel really hopeless, because maybe I'm just too unfit for this world, you know? I started not speaking to that teacher anymore. I know it's not her fault, and she felt really guilty about what happened, but since I started looking forward to actively CTB, I thought, and still think, it would be better if she started to care less and less.
What's all this important for? Well, I think I still have an idealistic idea of this teacher in my mind. I spend nights imagining telling her everything: the thought of suicide, not being enough no matter how hard I try, and many other things... and her comforting me, hugging me, helping me seek help. That thought is what is actively stopping me from death, and that angers me. I don't need "help" or someone to understand; I don't get why my stupid brain has fixated on something so unrealistic.
I've always longed for death, very often actively. For years. I don't have any idea what happiness feels like, or should feel like, and honestly, it scares me. I've always hated how I look, act, and pretty much desired for my existence to be wiped out from reality. No one wants me and I don't want to stay, so why bother?
No matter how hard I try to be better, it seems I'm just unfit for happiness and end up quitting...
I've spent my whole life being an outcast in every social context I've ever been in: school, family... I've always been on my own, no matter what. I think my childhood played a role in this, since it objectively hasn't been the best, but I still find it difficult to connect certain behaviors to specific events, first of all because I don't remember anything, and secondly because I've always been apathetic, stone-hard, and "comforted by the uncomfortable"...
I've always been bullied, even though "bullied" seems to make it sound more serious than it really was. It's not like anyone even said things that were untrue, since I am indeed ugly, fat, unlovable, etc., but maybe the "physical" part is less justified. This went on until my family and I moved. I started at a new school where I met new people. My classmates aren't any nicer; they just say uglier things behind my back. Once, a girl even texted me that I'm insufferable, that I'm all wrong and emotionally dumb, and that wherever I go in life, no one will ever truly want me. But I met this English teacher who is truly an amazing, lovely person. I talked to her and slowly understood that she had been unwanted too in her youth, but now she is building her life in a work environment where she feels content and welcomed.
Sadly, some other things happened. I've always looked forward to studying in another country, but when I went for a one-week stay, they didn't want me either. This made me feel really hopeless, because maybe I'm just too unfit for this world, you know? I started not speaking to that teacher anymore. I know it's not her fault, and she felt really guilty about what happened, but since I started looking forward to actively CTB, I thought, and still think, it would be better if she started to care less and less.
What's all this important for? Well, I think I still have an idealistic idea of this teacher in my mind. I spend nights imagining telling her everything: the thought of suicide, not being enough no matter how hard I try, and many other things... and her comforting me, hugging me, helping me seek help. That thought is what is actively stopping me from death, and that angers me. I don't need "help" or someone to understand; I don't get why my stupid brain has fixated on something so unrealistic.
I've always longed for death, very often actively. For years. I don't have any idea what happiness feels like, or should feel like, and honestly, it scares me. I've always hated how I look, act, and pretty much desired for my existence to be wiped out from reality. No one wants me and I don't want to stay, so why bother?
No matter how hard I try to be better, it seems I'm just unfit for happiness and end up quitting...
