Venting Want to recover but don’t know how

[heavysoul]

I genuinely really want to prevent myself from ctb but I don't know how to atp.
I feel so hopeless about my mental state.
It feels like I'm constantly drowning in suicidal ideation and I don't know how to get out of it. I've called my local crisis hotline a few times but the conversation ends up being pretty pointless. I have two therapy appointments coming up after the weekend where I hope I can actually talk about my feelings some more and hear some more concrete solutions to help me but idk. And I certainly don't want to end up in the hospital again as I was just there a few months ago and don't want to bill my family again.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

The question is, do you know/do you have an idea why you are suicidal? Are there triggers?

Anyway, good luck!

 

[heavysoul]

The question is, do you know/do you have an idea why you are suicidal? Are there triggers?

Anyway, good luck!

Thanks for the reply. It's a bit hard for me to get to the root of it in my life, but I have all these big feels about how living feels so hard and the state of the US is so terrible right now I don't think I can stand to live through it. It just feels like life is suffering at every corner and even if there are positive things to live for, the negatives overbearingly outweigh them.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I think it's best to discuss all that with a therapist/psychiatrist. I hope you picked a good one. Good luck!

 

[NoFancyNames]

I genuinely really want to prevent myself from ctb but I don't know how to atp.
I feel so hopeless about my mental state.
It feels like I'm constantly drowning in suicidal ideation and I don't know how to get out of it. I've called my local crisis hotline a few times but the conversation ends up being pretty pointless. I have two therapy appointments coming up after the weekend where I hope I can actually talk about my feelings some more and hear some more concrete solutions to help me but idk. And I certainly don't want to end up in the hospital again as I was just there a few months ago and don't want to bill my family again.

Sounds to me like you're trying what you can right now and that's already something. You haven't ctb yet and you know that you don't want to, sounds like you are succeeding so far.
You are at a good starting point, keep going and doing what you are doing. Hopefully your therapy will give you some answers or some sort of direction. Try to get to the root of your issues, and remember that it is a long hard road, it will take time. Keep holding on to that feeling deep inside that makes you keep trying and you will find your way eventually.

I hope my comment doesn't seem contrived. I'm speaking from experience and holding on to my inner fire is what is keeping me going and I am slowly but surely moving forward, and I believe that anyone can too as long as they want to and are keep trying. You've got this.

 

[Hikari.]

You should definitely get into therapy and maybe as as suggestion not go on here too often? The suicidal forum could be a rabbit hole for you to just get worse. feel free to use the recovery channel though!