thebayleaf
22f, looking for someone to ctb with
- Nov 6, 2025
- 27
woe is me, life fucking sucksss. i'll be honest i don't even really feel depressed anymore, just apathetic (and guilty from all the hurt i'm gonna cause).
i'm gonna head out to a secluded spot in nature, a hill with a single, solitary tree on it. i've attempted there twice before (cutting, like a dumbass) so I know it has a stunning view of the sunset. the plan is to set up a noose in the tree and then attempt night-night. if night-night doesn't work, i've got the noose ready to go.
i've got alcohol and 180mg of codeine, which should keep me calm and pain/SI free.
i really really really want to do this asap. i think about it basically all day everyday, but i can't yet. it's my best friend's birthday tomorrow, then once he's back in town in late nov/early dec, he's talking about getting the whole college gang back together for a party. haven't seen any of those guys since 2023 and i really don't wanna miss it. so i can ctb after the party right?? nope!! gotta wait at least a week or two or people might think i ctb'd cause of something related to the party :/
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i'm locking in so hard to try and make it AT LEAST a couple more weeks. but all i can think about is getting out of here. tbh i'm secretly PRAYING the plans for the party fall through cause then I can catch my bus later this month.
the one silver lining is living an extra couple weeks allows the possibility of meeting someone on here to wants to be my ctb partner. (suicide pacts are kinda an obsession for me)
i'm gonna head out to a secluded spot in nature, a hill with a single, solitary tree on it. i've attempted there twice before (cutting, like a dumbass) so I know it has a stunning view of the sunset. the plan is to set up a noose in the tree and then attempt night-night. if night-night doesn't work, i've got the noose ready to go.
i've got alcohol and 180mg of codeine, which should keep me calm and pain/SI free.
i really really really want to do this asap. i think about it basically all day everyday, but i can't yet. it's my best friend's birthday tomorrow, then once he's back in town in late nov/early dec, he's talking about getting the whole college gang back together for a party. haven't seen any of those guys since 2023 and i really don't wanna miss it. so i can ctb after the party right?? nope!! gotta wait at least a week or two or people might think i ctb'd cause of something related to the party :/
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i'm locking in so hard to try and make it AT LEAST a couple more weeks. but all i can think about is getting out of here. tbh i'm secretly PRAYING the plans for the party fall through cause then I can catch my bus later this month.
the one silver lining is living an extra couple weeks allows the possibility of meeting someone on here to wants to be my ctb partner. (suicide pacts are kinda an obsession for me)
