Waiting for the bus....

[WorthlessTrash]

Feels like you're on death row waiting for your time to come. But unlike that, catching the bus is a good thing (compared to your current existence) for most people. Though, I don't actually " want" to die and hate that it is the lesser of the evils for me.

When you're ready to go, what will you want the last thing you eat to be? And what change of life circumstances (if any) would convince you to stay?

I feel that my time is coming soon, because there is only so much more I can handle. I also have no idea what hope I am holding onto when I know things cannot get better. Anyone feel that inner conflict?

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not personally care about a last meal, I do not enjoy food that much. There is nothing that could ever make me want to live, I do not want to suffer for decades until old age. I see life as being so meaningless and I simply prefer the sound of non existence. There is no hope for me personally, I am only still alive as suicide is so difficult. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[outrider567]

Feels like you're on death row waiting for your time to come. But unlike that, catching the bus is a good thing (compared to your current existence) for most people. Though, I don't actually " want" to die and hate that it is the lesser of the evils for me.

When you're ready to go, what will you want the last thing you eat to be? And what change of life circumstances (if any) would convince you to stay?

I feel that my time is coming soon, because there is only so much more I can handle. I also have no idea what hope I am holding onto when I know things cannot get better. Anyone feel that inner conflict?

Feels like you're on death row waiting for your time to come. But unlike that, catching the bus is a good thing (compared to your current existence) for most people. Though, I don't actually " want" to die and hate that it is the lesser of the evils for me.

When you're ready to go, what will you want the last thing you eat to be? And what change of life circumstances (if any) would convince you to stay?

I feel that my time is coming soon, because there is only so much more I can handle. I also have no idea what hope I am holding onto when I know things cannot get better. Anyone feel that inner conflict?

The Bus, yes---I see the bus slowly approaching, I first saw it right after the night she died last January, coming now for me slowly certainly inexorably

 

[WorthlessTrash]

The longer I am alive, the more sadness I feel. Especially when confronted by my triggers. I just wish my SI and guilt would fade so I could bring myself to buy the supplies needed to peaceful pill myself.

At this point, nothing can save me. No romantic relationship can offset my feelings. I just no longer feel content or even enthusiastic about being alive. I cannot achieve the life I so desire. There is nothing tethering me to the idea of living.

 

[whitefeather]

The Bus, yes---I see the bus slowly approaching, I first saw it right after the night she died last January, coming now for me slowly certainly inexorably

Who died ?

 

[hopelessdreams]

Feels like you're on death row waiting for your time to come. But unlike that, catching the bus is a good thing (compared to your current existence) for most people. Though, I don't actually " want" to die and hate that it is the lesser of the evils for me.

When you're ready to go, what will you want the last thing you eat to be? And what change of life circumstances (if any) would convince you to stay?

I feel that my time is coming soon, because there is only so much more I can handle. I also have no idea what hope I am holding onto when I know things cannot get better. Anyone feel that inner conflict?

i just had my last meal actually: a burger and some fries. didn't even enjoy it, nothing is enjoyable for me in fact.

i fully am with you on that inner conflict. i've had that for the past year: one day i decide to get my life together, and after a week or so, when i don't get the dopamine rush i'm hoping for, i give it up and go back to being useless. that cycle is ending now tho.

 

[Achlys]

i fully am with you on that inner conflict. i've had that for the past year: one day i decide to get my life together, and after a week or so, when i don't get the dopamine rush i'm hoping for, i give it up and go back to being useless. that cycle is ending now tho.

It feels like I cycle back and forth from bouts of acute suicidal ideation and brief moments of optimism that lead me to believe there is some hope left. Every once in a while, I wake up and try to motivate myself and successfully manage spend the day working towards my future. Too often, though, I find my motivation has vanished by the evening or when I next awake, and I promptly proceed to invalidate my efforts from the day before without fail.

It's too exhausting. It makes me question why I even try.

 

[Superdeterminist]

Hello my friend. The last meal? Maybe a cinnamon roll, love those. I think if I experienced a dramatic improvement in my circumstances like finding a great passion, finding love, finding some fortune, these things could convince me to stay a while longer at least. But ctb will never be completely off the table, because life never tires of threatening to disappoint.

 

[its-about-time]

I don't really care what I eat last. I'm not thinking about that part much. But yeah sitting at the bus stop without a schedule. You know it'll come sooner or later but it's weird not knowing. Got my bags packed. Just waiting but feeling more impatient these days.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Hello my friend. The last meal? Maybe a cinnamon roll, love those. I think if I experienced a dramatic improvement in my circumstances like finding a great passion, finding love, finding some fortune, these things could convince me to stay a while longer at least. But ctb will never be completely off the table, because life never tires of threatening to disappoint.

At this point, nothing can save me, except the impractical. But i hope you find a way to enjoy life before you decide to CTB! :)

 

[Superdeterminist]

At this point, nothing can save me, except the impractical. But i hope you find a way to enjoy life before you decide to CTB! :)

That is very sad...but, if life wants to hurt you, there's something nice about being able to reject it. I hope you can also find some enjoyment my friend.

 

[outrider567]

Who died ?

Sorry--my girlfriend of 35 years, died suddenly in the hospital from kidney failure January 24th

It feels like I cycle back and forth from bouts of acute suicidal ideation and brief moments of optimism that lead me to believe there is some hope left. Every once in a while, I wake up and try to motivate myself and successfully manage spend the day working towards my future. Too often, though, I find my motivation has vanished by the evening or when I next awake, and I promptly proceed to invalidate my efforts from the day before without fail.

It's too exhausting. It makes me question why I even try.

'brief moments of optimism' not in my world

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Sorry--my girlfriend of 35 years, died suddenly in the hospital from kidney failure January 24th

'brief moments of optimism' not in my world

Very sorry for your loss :(