ventposting about social media

[persistentheartache]

sometimes i wish i could be normal. i go on social media and i see people i grew up with having pool parties, going to music festivals with huge groups, travelling, living their lives.

It feel like there's something especially wrong with me. I feel stupid for being alive even though i take therapy and my mental health seriously.

i feel like i missed out on so much. i don't think i can live the lives i see others having. being entrepreneurs, doctors, engineers, homeowners, and all these people being the same age as me, having gone to the same schools as me.

i feel like if i talk to anyone about it the immediate response is that its my personal failure. that i need to do more. i should have done more.

it sounds evil but i wish others would feel how ive felt or suffered and felt like a freak like i have. or like to feel the regret of self sabotaging after living for so long not caring for yourself and trying to make it easier to be suicidal.

tonight it feels like nothing I'm doing matters. i graduated from my dbt skills group but im depressed and feel empty. i stay busy and use the skills ive learned but i feel hollow and sad. I'm tired, and that doesn't go away

I feel suicidal tonight with no plan because its so challenging to do.

i feel like I'm just pretendjng to be better sometimes. ive lost years of my life to depression and no one cared really.

its jarring after my mom would beat me over school and my future just to not care and have no actual guidance or advice once i got out of highschool. like the root of the abuse wasn't well thought out of meaningful and i let it affect me in a way i cant fix.

i feel totally alien. people tell me i seem comfortable and that I'm not awkward at all but i feel like i can't relate to others at all like im a carboard cutout of a human

i know my thoughts are filtered through my sad state of my mind and don't reflect my true beliefs but it's nice to vent. i don't trust people in my life to listen to this kind of stuff without getting burnt out

it really sucks when people tell you your life seems like its getting better. maybe km doing thjngs wrong. i feel really alienated

 

[Kenny]

I wouldn't say you're doing anything wrong, in fact, I'd say you're doing a lot of stuff right. Learning dbt skills and realising that depression = mental health are two pretty big steps in the right direction.

Even still, your pain is real. Being called a failure can send a lot of people over the edge. It hurts when you're genuinely trying, but since you don't become a doctor or a lawyer people think you've messed up somewhere along the way. It's even worse in your case because your parents won't even offer guidance. It's as if you're driving down a dirt road and you get stuck in a bunch of mud, but instead of helping you out, your parents just stand by the side and tell you how you shouldn't be stuck.

I've felt this pain too, my parents think I'm a failure because I went through a phase of depression recently that dropped my grades in high school by a pretty large margin. I still passed everything and graduated with extra credits but I'm still a failure in their eyes :/

Even still, this rejection (and many other factors) can/will lead to depression, and depression can lead to emptiness. It is true, not everyone has experienced depression to the extent of many of the people on this website, such as you and I. Most people in the world have never made an attempt on their own life, because they're living decent or even good lives. I don't say that to discourage you, but to reassure you that it's perfectly normal to feel out of place when you're broken and hurting. I feel out of place too, especially when going to public places. I always wonder how many other people around me are struggling, they all do seem to be fairly happy. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be normal, but focusing on the fact that everyone else is normal when you're in a sad state can burn you out really fast.

But that's the beauty of SaSu. It's a great community of like-minded people who are all here to help each other out. You don't have to worry too much about being judged here because everyone here is part of SaSu for the same reason, we're all broken. Being broken is a weird way to be unified, but sometimes it's the only way to be unified. Finding people in your life that can relate to your struggles can be difficult for so many reasons. Maybe they don't want to be vulnerable, or perhaps they don't know what you're going through, and in some cases they'll be silently struggling as well. Here at SaSu, we're ALL struggling in one way or another.

While SaSu won't magically make your life better, it can help you release stress that you'd usually have bottled up. It helps a lot of people relieve stress and feel acceptance, not rejection.

Well this is a bit of a rant, but I'll leave it at this. I hope you can find what you need here on SaSu to help you feel more accepted. I also hope your parents realise what they're doing, but unfortunately this is rarely the case. It's perfectly normal to be down, life has its highs and lows, that's why we're all here.

 

[persistentheartache]

I wouldn't say you're doing anything wrong, in fact, I'd say you're doing a lot of stuff right. Learning dbt skills and realising that depression = mental health are two pretty big steps in the right direction.

Even still, your pain is real. Being called a failure can send a lot of people over the edge. It hurts when you're genuinely trying, but since you don't become a doctor or a lawyer people think you've messed up somewhere along the way. It's even worse in your case because your parents won't even offer guidance. It's as if you're driving down a dirt road and you get stuck in a bunch of mud, but instead of helping you out, your parents just stand by the side and tell you how you shouldn't be stuck.

I've felt this pain too, my parents think I'm a failure because I went through a phase of depression recently that dropped my grades in high school by a pretty large margin. I still passed everything and graduated with extra credits but I'm still a failure in their eyes :/

Even still, this rejection (and many other factors) can/will lead to depression, and depression can lead to emptiness. It is true, not everyone has experienced depression to the extent of many of the people on this website, such as you and I. Most people in the world have never made an attempt on their own life, because they're living decent or even good lives. I don't say that to discourage you, but to reassure you that it's perfectly normal to feel out of place when you're broken and hurting. I feel out of place too, especially when going to public places. I always wonder how many other people around me are struggling, they all do seem to be fairly happy. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be normal, but focusing on the fact that everyone else is normal when you're in a sad state can burn you out really fast.

But that's the beauty of SaSu. It's a great community of like-minded people who are all here to help each other out. You don't have to worry too much about being judged here because everyone here is part of SaSu for the same reason, we're all broken. Being broken is a weird way to be unified, but sometimes it's the only way to be unified. Finding people in your life that can relate to your struggles can be difficult for so many reasons. Maybe they don't want to be vulnerable, or perhaps they don't know what you're going through, and in some cases they'll be silently struggling as well. Here at SaSu, we're ALL struggling in one way or another.

While SaSu won't magically make your life better, it can help you release stress that you'd usually have bottled up. It helps a lot of people relieve stress and feel acceptance, not rejection.

Well this is a bit of a rant, but I'll leave it at this. I hope you can find what you need here on SaSu to help you feel more accepted. I also hope your parents realise what they're doing, but unfortunately this is rarely the case. It's perfectly normal to be down, life has its highs and lows, that's why we're all here.

it feels like getting better is so mundane and unrewarding and once you're better, you're still behind others.

I know I don't know everything. maybe what I'm saying isn't true. I don't know. i wish i didn't burn out so early. i see other people work hard around me and all i can feel is lazy even if i am trying to push out of my comfort zone

I don't know.

i don't like my life or my past or who i am. i plan to spend my day outside today in hopes my mood will change. I can see how this is just a dip.

I worry that it's too late for me although im only in my mid 20s and im going back to school this September

it always feels artificial that my life is getting better i don't know if it'll ever be what I wanted it to be.

i made a previous post about how larpmaxing can help. while i still think that holds true if you're closer to rock bottom, it's certainly not the endgame.

i woke up sobbing last night after a nightmare about past relationships I screwed up that were important to me. i dont think i can be important anymore

 

[Kenny]

it feels like getting better is so mundane and unrewarding and once you're better, you're still behind others.

I know I don't know everything. maybe what I'm saying isn't true. I don't know. i wish i didn't burn out so early. i see other people work hard around me and all i can feel is lazy even if i am trying to push out of my comfort zone

I don't know.

i don't like my life or my past or who i am. i plan to spend my day outside today in hopes my mood will change. I can see how this is just a dip.

I worry that it's too late for me although im only in my mid 20s and im going back to school this September

it always feels artificial that my life is getting better i don't know if it'll ever be what I wanted it to be.

i made a previous post about how larpmaxing can help. while i still think that holds true if you're closer to rock bottom, it's certainly not the endgame.

i woke up sobbing last night after a nightmare about past relationships I screwed up that were important to me. i dont think i can be important anymore

Yeah, even when you're better, it can definitely feel as if you're just waiting for the next dip. I can definitely relate to the fact that it can feel artificial sometimes, because I've struggled with ideation for most of my life. Even when I get better, there's always a nudge in the back of my mind telling me "what if.." or "happiness is only temporary". I gotta figure out how to get rid of that too. I've been thinking a good relationship will help, but I'm not even sure where to start with that. :/

Some people have the patience and tolerance to pursue harder jobs, go to law school, etc, whereas other peoples might burn out before that. I burn out often as well, I'll start something ambitious and then a week later I lose traction. It might be due to siblings bullying me, reality sinking in, I'm not sure, just random stuff that causes me to lose momentum.

It's impossible to change your past, but, you can always make new memories! I hate to be that guy, because I know how brutal some people's pasts are, mine was full of heartbreak and betrayal. Heck, I found the love of my life in grade 6. Was it too early? Probably, didn't change the amount of heartbreak we both went through though. That story is for another time, but we never officially broke up, nor did we want to, the world just tore us apart.

I actually made a poem that illustrates this story the other day, well, and other memories. It's a short poem about childhood, and how many people reflect onto it and wish they could go back.

"Life is an interesting paradox, you can have it one day and lose it the next. For some, it's a sandbox for imagination, and for others, it's a prison cell with no key. Nostalgia is the only way these prisoners will see the light again, as they weren't always prisoners. They too, were once free. They too, were once children."

Some people find their path right out of high school, and for some it might be in their late 30's (or further). I still don't know what my path is, but then again I'm 18 and live in a harsh economy.

And yes! Outside is great! Even if it doesn't make you feel completely better, it's a great thing to do. Not sure where the environment is where you are, but usually there's at least a few things to do wherever you are. In cities there might be cafes, parks, etc.. In small towns there could be open countryside or trails. I'd go outside myself but I am a lazy bum.

As for nightmares... Nightmares don't always have to be scary to be nightmares, sometimes they just remind you of the worst parts of your life. I once had a nightmare about my sister. In it, I was upstairs in my house when I was told that she committed suicide, for context she was suicidal at the time. It never really kicked in until that moment, I finally realised what she was going through, and I wept. I woke up and in a cold sweat, it felt as though it was too late. I ended up sliding a note under her door because it was locked, we ended up walking and I helped her feel a little better.

There's not much I can say that can really fix your pain or reality, but I do hope that what I've said can comfort you in some way. I'm always down to talk to people about problems and stuff, even if I don't know everything I'll try and help. Again, I am 18 and have basically no experience in the real world, so I could be wrong on a lot of stuff, but I hope I can at least help somehow. :p