cohomology
Member
- Oct 5, 2024
- 51
I have decided to kill myself.
The world is simply too cruel and pointless. I feel like by staying alive I am endorsing this world or being complacent with all the cruelty that is going on every day. There are people and sentient beings more generally right now all over the world who are experiencing extreme pain and suffering, a lot of it solely for the sadistic enjoyment of others.
I've experienced repeated loss of freedom and humiliation myself despite not doing anything wrong, although this doesn't even come close to the pain that some other people experience.
I know for a fact that there is no god, no afterlife or anything supernatural. My consciousness and mind are biological phenomena located in the brain. My brain keeps lying to me by inventing various fictions like the continuous self or the ideal rational argument. Were it not for the memories connecting me to my past self (themselves largely illusory and disconnected), I would probably not recognize the person as I was a child, nor the other way around.
It distresses me that almost everything people say about life or the world in general that used to make me feel good or filled me with purpose has turned out to be largely a fiction or an explicit lie. I do not see the point in continuing my existence. When I think of myself objectively from a wider view, I cannot help but imagine a dog chasing its own tail, consumed by its own self importance and blinded by the futility of what's actually going on.
I also recognize that my realizations and suicidality are simply memes that the self has been exposed to. Despite my own belief in my reasons I have for my actions and beliefs, it's ultimately a biological, subrational phenomenon. Sometimes I wonder what would it feel like were a different self to have developed in my body, with different beliefs and experiences, or no self at all, purely instinctual behavior. Still, my experience of the world is filtered by the self that currently resides in my body and I cannot help the fact.
I also think a lot about whether significant brain damage is scary (for example after a failed ctb attempt). An argument could be made that after such a significant change in the brain the self (which ultimately derives from the brain) could be so transformed as to obviously not be the same as the pre-damaged self. As such, it would be a different person living with a brain damage, not me.
Even so, a new person would be created with a most likely poor and miserable experience. By the basic antinatalist arguments, it would ultimately be an evil and an immoral thing, either against myself or a new person.
I resent the fact that the act is likely to bring a lot of pain to my relatives. It's hard to me to know what they will experience, because I personally would not be sad about them leaving, even though I love them very much. I would support whatever choices they made. I really hope the same kind of charity and understanding will be extended to me as well, as not to create much additional suffering in the world after my death. Hopefully a well written note will be helpful for that purpose.
I prefer not to have been born but that is not an option. Unfortunately the only way to leave on my own accord is a highly stigmatized and often traumatic act. I will try to minimize the impact as much as I'm able to but ultimately it's my choice. And I have made my decision.
The world is simply too cruel and pointless. I feel like by staying alive I am endorsing this world or being complacent with all the cruelty that is going on every day. There are people and sentient beings more generally right now all over the world who are experiencing extreme pain and suffering, a lot of it solely for the sadistic enjoyment of others.
I've experienced repeated loss of freedom and humiliation myself despite not doing anything wrong, although this doesn't even come close to the pain that some other people experience.
I know for a fact that there is no god, no afterlife or anything supernatural. My consciousness and mind are biological phenomena located in the brain. My brain keeps lying to me by inventing various fictions like the continuous self or the ideal rational argument. Were it not for the memories connecting me to my past self (themselves largely illusory and disconnected), I would probably not recognize the person as I was a child, nor the other way around.
It distresses me that almost everything people say about life or the world in general that used to make me feel good or filled me with purpose has turned out to be largely a fiction or an explicit lie. I do not see the point in continuing my existence. When I think of myself objectively from a wider view, I cannot help but imagine a dog chasing its own tail, consumed by its own self importance and blinded by the futility of what's actually going on.
I also recognize that my realizations and suicidality are simply memes that the self has been exposed to. Despite my own belief in my reasons I have for my actions and beliefs, it's ultimately a biological, subrational phenomenon. Sometimes I wonder what would it feel like were a different self to have developed in my body, with different beliefs and experiences, or no self at all, purely instinctual behavior. Still, my experience of the world is filtered by the self that currently resides in my body and I cannot help the fact.
I also think a lot about whether significant brain damage is scary (for example after a failed ctb attempt). An argument could be made that after such a significant change in the brain the self (which ultimately derives from the brain) could be so transformed as to obviously not be the same as the pre-damaged self. As such, it would be a different person living with a brain damage, not me.
Even so, a new person would be created with a most likely poor and miserable experience. By the basic antinatalist arguments, it would ultimately be an evil and an immoral thing, either against myself or a new person.
I resent the fact that the act is likely to bring a lot of pain to my relatives. It's hard to me to know what they will experience, because I personally would not be sad about them leaving, even though I love them very much. I would support whatever choices they made. I really hope the same kind of charity and understanding will be extended to me as well, as not to create much additional suffering in the world after my death. Hopefully a well written note will be helpful for that purpose.
I prefer not to have been born but that is not an option. Unfortunately the only way to leave on my own accord is a highly stigmatized and often traumatic act. I will try to minimize the impact as much as I'm able to but ultimately it's my choice. And I have made my decision.
