Venting Venting ig ,maybe some advice to me ? Thanks

[Simba]

Not sure where to post this so I'll post here. I finally got an earlier appointment to this psychiatrist for this Friday. I don't know if im worried if she could possibly dismiss what im feeling/etc ... I just feel like most if not 90% of what i feel and act is literally inside , meaning that probably won't see it outside and like idk.. like ,when i have stuff that are considered good stuff and like go really well and until something happens could be something minor or something incredibly insignificant or should be insignificant or whatever or could be just something someone says/said then like whole mood can drop n stuff or i can like think too much of situations idk something good n later my mind's like uhhhhhhh n just thinkin bad stuff that could happen when there's no reason for any of it.. then theres time i could feel bit discontected from everything or like from feeling ,even right now.. like i understand sad feelings n stuff but now i just feel bit discontected from those feelings for some reason idk why.. i just dont want to go there and she'll see on the outside an 'ok' person or whatever and either
a. dismiss me
b. will say is just a phase or whatever OR
c. write false info on paper n what not..

im also for some reasons get scared when people leave idk or just think unnecessary thoughts like "block me" or like mind will be like "kill me" "i don't deserve this(something good)" etc ,i watch too many mental health documentaries so like idk ,i also at times doubt myself and my every thought n what not n like think "what if im a fraud ?" n what not.. idk if anyone here has any insight or idk im like detatched or whatever from feelings n stuff idk

Oh forgot to mention ,i don't know if this is all the time but i once some days ago sent a picture of my eyes i think on a group chat but after that i realised my nose was in it and looked really big so deleted photo in group.



Thanks ,From Simba

 

[rationaltake]

I hope it goes okay. The psychiatrist should ask you to explain things. I'm sure she'll understand that most things aren't visible.

 

[Simba]

I hope it goes okay. The psychiatrist should ask you to explain things. I'm sure she'll understand that most things aren't visible.

Ofcoors. All I'm saying that here I'll give example ,ok a person with bipolar disorder right you can tell when their moods go up n down ,you can see it ,in my opinion i feel like what i feel or what not is more inside an don't really show outside ,i could get bit moody or shitty with family tho if im in bad mood n stuff tho
Like irritated i think
Btw i dont mean to be racist but psychiatrists I've gone to so far were russians and i just had not so good experience

 

[rationaltake]

I see. Not extreme. You explained it really well btw.

 

[Simba]

Ok yea an most times im angry is just inside of me i don't really like arguments or arguing tho sometimes mammy says that im being argumentative but i guess I can't see that idk
I just want my bad thoughts to go
And i personally believe that most if not all of my problems stem from my past

 

[rationaltake]

This makes sense. Certain types of psychotherapy focus on how the past has shaped your present.

 

[Simba]

I wouldn't know how to get to that tho ,last i got just meds cause i can just get sad or whatever for no reason too so idk
But i felt half zombie so i stopped