Aleandra Felix
Give me peace or give me death
- Jan 2, 2020
- 39
Today I dreamed I was kidnapped and held at a gunpoint. The bad part is: I was scared. That sucks. I mean, I wanna die so badly and when a (fictional, but it doesn't matter) opportunity pops up, that's how I react? Wow. It's not like I'd be slowly tortured to death. I'd get a headshot. Worst-case scenario I'd need more bullets. But other than that it's a pretty painless goodbye, no? Well, I know my feelings and reaction would be way worse in real life. It deeply bothers me to still have such a strong survival instinct.
*
I was thinking and came to realize that death is probably the only of my dreams to come true. Suiciding or not, one day I'll definitely vanish from Earth and that makes me happy. It's kinda stupid to feel good about it because it's not an accomplishment. It's a natural phenomenon that will happen to everything and everyone. Also, I'm not even going to enjoy cause, you know, I'll be dead. But having this mindset right now makes me enjoy the feeling of something I really want in life actually happening. Since I was 12 I fantasize about never waking up again. I'm kind of anticipatedly proud.
*
My debilitating depression is back. Quarantine has ruined everything and being locked with my mom is fucking up my mental health everyday. I'm feeling INCREDIBLY tired all the time. I'm always sleepy. Getting out of bed is a burden. My head aches. I can't stop crying. I'm neglecting my hygiene again. Not like I used to in my darkest days, but I'm starting to skip showers and not brushing my teeth because everything is so fucking difficult. My room is dirty. I can't concentrate anymore, not even watching stupid videos, let alone doing something productive. School activities are piling up (they have deadlines haha). Lost my appetite. I'm isolating myself from the two people that I managed to keep talking to me. I don't even know anymore. All I can think of is killing myself. I use to overload myself with stuffs to do in an attempt to keep my brain busy and forget that life is hell. But this doesn't work when you locked at home. It's been almost a month and I'm going insane.
The sad part about my "coping mechanism" is that it doesn't help at all. I overload myself, therefore I'm always stressing about everything and don't think about suicide or personal problems, I don't even have time to be sad. I should be using this time to plan my suicide and working towards it, but I don't have time. When I do, depression takes over and debilitates me to a point I can't do anything. Then I want to kill myself but I'm not ready because I was focusing on something else. By the way, I let my rope in a hidden place but thanks to quarantine it's closed now and I forgot to bring it home when it all started. I won't even start to talk about fantasies of stabbing myself. So, yeah, here I am. Thanks to anyone who took time to read this. I just wanted someone to know.
*
I was thinking and came to realize that death is probably the only of my dreams to come true. Suiciding or not, one day I'll definitely vanish from Earth and that makes me happy. It's kinda stupid to feel good about it because it's not an accomplishment. It's a natural phenomenon that will happen to everything and everyone. Also, I'm not even going to enjoy cause, you know, I'll be dead. But having this mindset right now makes me enjoy the feeling of something I really want in life actually happening. Since I was 12 I fantasize about never waking up again. I'm kind of anticipatedly proud.
*
My debilitating depression is back. Quarantine has ruined everything and being locked with my mom is fucking up my mental health everyday. I'm feeling INCREDIBLY tired all the time. I'm always sleepy. Getting out of bed is a burden. My head aches. I can't stop crying. I'm neglecting my hygiene again. Not like I used to in my darkest days, but I'm starting to skip showers and not brushing my teeth because everything is so fucking difficult. My room is dirty. I can't concentrate anymore, not even watching stupid videos, let alone doing something productive. School activities are piling up (they have deadlines haha). Lost my appetite. I'm isolating myself from the two people that I managed to keep talking to me. I don't even know anymore. All I can think of is killing myself. I use to overload myself with stuffs to do in an attempt to keep my brain busy and forget that life is hell. But this doesn't work when you locked at home. It's been almost a month and I'm going insane.
The sad part about my "coping mechanism" is that it doesn't help at all. I overload myself, therefore I'm always stressing about everything and don't think about suicide or personal problems, I don't even have time to be sad. I should be using this time to plan my suicide and working towards it, but I don't have time. When I do, depression takes over and debilitates me to a point I can't do anything. Then I want to kill myself but I'm not ready because I was focusing on something else. By the way, I let my rope in a hidden place but thanks to quarantine it's closed now and I forgot to bring it home when it all started. I won't even start to talk about fantasies of stabbing myself. So, yeah, here I am. Thanks to anyone who took time to read this. I just wanted someone to know.
