Vent

[thrw_eva]

I've been contemplating ctb for about 5 years on and off again, I feel selfish and pathetic even considering doing it, I've got a big friend group, parents who love me and a boyfriend who a love a lot.

but despite the fact I have all of these people who love me, I can't help but hurt myself when nobodies looking, I try to mask how I feel but it's so exhausting. And I feel like the only way I'm ever going to get help for my mental health is if I do something drastic and terrible to myself. But I'm so scared how much it'll impact my life, so ctb seems like an easier option. I feel pathetic even considering it as an option because it's the easy way out.

I've been fighting a battle against depression for a long time, I've started doing hard drugs quite often to try and numb this feeling of sadness, but after taking 300 ug of acid I spiralled into a 4 hour long drug induced psychosis where my boyfriend had to help me, it made me feel awful and completely warp my perception of reality for weeks. But I feel like abusing drugs is an easy way to harm yourself, and since it's very accepted among my friend group nobody seems to bat an eye.

I was thinking about ctb by OD, but it's rarely fatal, I was also just wondering which ways of ctb has the highest fatality rate

Sorry if this vent was all over the place, I really just had to get some stuff off of my chest

 

[DivineSpark]

I feel bad because of my suicidal thoughts and anxiety...because, like you, I have lots of good friends, loving parents and siblings.

 

[getoutgirl]

Sorry you are experiencing those thoughts. They can be brutal specially when you have that many people around you that love and care for you. That guilt and self depracation are normal, but I know that doesn't make it any easier.
Also the experience you describe with that drug episode sounds awful, sorry that happened and that your friend group enables that sort of thing. They should care.

And I feel like the only way I'm ever going to get help for my mental health is if I do something drastic and terrible to myself. But I'm so scared how much it'll impact my life

As for this, do you mean some sort of call for help? Or what do you mean by it I'm sorry I didn't get that. I get the fear of reaching for that help though.

Also glad you are getting this out of your chest, masking and keeping up the act for everyone Is incredibly exhausting. You can vent and share whatever whenever if it helps. Lots hugs your way <3

 

[kitia973]

I don't think it's selfish or pathetic to have suicidal thoughts, even if you know your loved ones will be in deep grief if you do leave. All types of suffering are valid and should be treated as such, pain should not be disrespected and you are definitely going through a lot of pain.

ODs rarely work and have a high chance of just ruining your organs or putting you in more suffering. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of this though