Venting Vent that would get me hospitalised if I told a therapist

[spellbound]

These are some of my more lunatic kinds of thoughts, but I figure if there's any place to put them it'd be here. I need to externalise these feelings, be vulnerable.
I started feeling suicidal at around age 11, and it has slowly but surely worsen ever since, and it will keep on getting worse. Alongside that, ever since age 16, after my first attempt, I started to feel less and less connected to reality. I was getting trap into the death realm.
It sounds pretty stupid, but I really feel like I died that day I tried to slit my wrists. I didn't cut much at all, I couldn't have possibly died, but I do feel dead. I don't like writing about it cause it sounds really stupid and edgy, but I really do feel like that you have to believe me.
I think I died and I feel so miserable and distant to reality because there's this gap between what actually happened (my death) and what I'm currently experiencing ("normal" life).
I feel constantly exhausted, like nothing's real, heavily depressed, and spellbound by suicide. I remember before that, I was suicidal and depressed, but it wasn't like that.
It kind of feels like a bad trip, like all my thoughts are death related and I'm high, for those who know it feels kind of like a nutmeg trip, thankfully minus the awful paranoia and hallucinations.
This is really embarrassing to admit, but a lot of the time when I cut myself, I do it because I don't believe that any blood will drop. I believe that all of the blood ran out of my body, and living in this stupid delusion makes me cut myself to check. Of course, blood pours out. But I did manage to stop cutting now.
I know this is absolutely moronic but I do believe this from the bottom of my heart, that I've killed myself already. Suicide feels like me. Its familiar. There's no blood in my veins. But I still don't know why I killed myself.
I think this could be why I struggle with suicide now. I want to do it so desperately to link back this gap between what happened and what I'm experiencing, but I can't. Because I've done it already.
Anyways, this felt really stupid but I guess I did manage to say truly vulnerable stuff about myself that I can't say to anyone else and I did it sober so that's always something to be proud of.
Does anyone know why I believe such things ?

 

[LilGhost]

These are some of my more lunatic kinds of thoughts, but I figure if there's any place to put them it'd be here. I need to externalise these feelings, be vulnerable.
I started feeling suicidal at around age 11, and it has slowly but surely worsen ever since, and it will keep on getting worse. Alongside that, ever since age 16, after my first attempt, I started to feel less and less connected to reality. I was getting trap into the death realm.
It sounds pretty stupid, but I really feel like I died that day I tried to slit my wrists. I didn't cut much at all, I couldn't have possibly died, but I do feel dead. I don't like writing about it cause it sounds really stupid and edgy, but I really do feel like that you have to believe me.
I think I died and I feel so miserable and distant to reality because there's this gap between what actually happened (my death) and what I'm currently experiencing ("normal" life).
I feel constantly exhausted, like nothing's real, heavily depressed, and spellbound by suicide. I remember before that, I was suicidal and depressed, but it wasn't like that.
It kind of feels like a bad trip, like all my thoughts are death related and I'm high, for those who know it feels kind of like a nutmeg trip, thankfully minus the awful paranoia and hallucinations.
This is really embarrassing to admit, but a lot of the time when I cut myself, I do it because I don't believe that any blood will drop. I believe that all of the blood ran out of my body, and living in this stupid delusion makes me cut myself to check. Of course, blood pours out. But I did manage to stop cutting now.
I know this is absolutely moronic but I do believe this from the bottom of my heart, that I've killed myself already. Suicide feels like me. Its familiar. There's no blood in my veins. But I still don't know why I killed myself.
I think this could be why I struggle with suicide now. I want to do it so desperately to link back this gap between what happened and what I'm experiencing, but I can't. Because I've done it already.
Anyways, this felt really stupid but I guess I did manage to say truly vulnerable stuff about myself that I can't say to anyone else and I did it sober so that's always something to be proud of.
Does anyone know why I believe such things ?

I can relate to this on a weird level....

I believe thats just whats chronic depression does to people? Also derealization.

I wont feed up to the narrative of "being already dead", tho i do believe in that, just pushing it away by logic. It happened after my second attempt. Hanging. And that exactly after what my health went downhill. Didnt help that in another time, when i slaughter my wrist, it started rotting... No part of my body works normally... Some socializing helps me snap back to "reality", but for awhile i was full on convinced I died and whatever is writing this message right now - just a zombie

I believe we are just sick in the head tho. Probably feeling heavily derealized from trauma or some bs like that. Which is kinda interesting.... My sibling (also had an attempt to take their life) hate talking about their attempts. When in my (and ig yours) case it feels comforting? I dont even know if therapy could help... personally me, meds just made me more drowsy which didnt help. I also think quantum immortality is just another bs theory, but it would explian this feeling...

so.... logically - we are alive, just broken from previous experience..... Oh, I know! I noticed i started falling when laughing specifically around after that period ( i believe? Everything feels like it happened never and at once...). So me and my doctor believes I might have cataplexy (my legs would sometimes just give out without a reason, but thats due to another health issue, its more of a pattern of a strong emotion that leads to falling down, which is kinda a textbook definition of cataplexy) so i gotta get diagnosed with narcolepsy rn. I am not sure if i have it or not as I wasnt diagnosed just yet, but I could see developing narcolepsy from all stress I went through during second ctb attempt and now being to sleepy all the time, thats why it kinda feels like a "high" state (cause it feels also like I am about to fall asleep and never wake up. Like I am finally about to go back to "reality" where I am dead and this is all just a big lucid dream before ill die).

So uh... You could check it out too? I cant afford getting my diagnosis yet as I need to recieve answer from my insurance company first if theyll cover it directly or fuck me, so i can not be confident if thats could be an issue, but you can check it for yourself

 

[Pluto]

 

[spellbound]

I can relate to this on a weird level....

I believe thats just whats chronic depression does to people? Also derealization.

I wont feed up to the narrative of "being already dead", tho i do believe in that, just pushing it away by logic. It happened after my second attempt. Hanging. And that exactly after what my health went downhill. Didnt help that in another time, when i slaughter my wrist, it started rotting... No part of my body works normally... Some socializing helps me snap back to "reality", but for awhile i was full on convinced I died and whatever is writing this message right now - just a zombie

I believe we are just sick in the head tho. Probably feeling heavily derealized from trauma or some bs like that. Which is kinda interesting.... My sibling (also had an attempt to take their life) hate talking about their attempts. When in my (and ig yours) case it feels comforting? I dont even know if therapy could help... personally me, meds just made me more drowsy which didnt help. I also think quantum immortality is just another bs theory, but it would explian this feeling...

so.... logically - we are alive, just broken from previous experience..... Oh, I know! I noticed i started falling when laughing specifically around after that period ( i believe? Everything feels like it happened never and at once...). So me and my doctor believes I might have cataplexy (my legs would sometimes just give out without a reason, but thats due to another health issue, its more of a pattern of a strong emotion that leads to falling down, which is kinda a textbook definition of cataplexy) so i gotta get diagnosed with narcolepsy rn. I am not sure if i have it or not as I wasnt diagnosed just yet, but I could see developing narcolepsy from all stress I went through during second ctb attempt and now being to sleepy all the time, thats why it kinda feels like a "high" state (cause it feels also like I am about to fall asleep and never wake up. Like I am finally about to go back to "reality" where I am dead and this is all just a big lucid dream before ill die).

So uh... You could check it out too? I cant afford getting my diagnosis yet as I need to recieve answer from my insurance company first if theyll cover it directly or fuck me, so i can not be confident if thats could be an issue, but you can check it for yourself

I just checked out the symptoms of cataplexy online and apparently it's "a sudden and transient episode of muscle weakness accompanied by full conscious awareness", and I've never had that happened in my life. Kind of a shame, I would've loved to have a rational neat little explanation like that, tho that still wouldn't explain why I feel alive even tho I died.
To me, socialising or whatever else I can do never truly snaps me back to any reality (I believe only suicide would snap me back), idk it's always either on the back of my mind or I'm fully drowning in it. What you said about derealisation tho did seem to correspond to me, but even then idk what to do with that info. I don't like meds either, and I hate therapists, so I'll never get treated or even checked for it.
Thanks anyways for the insights, it's nice to know someone can relate