I recently decided to do a 50/50 maneuver, meaning, I spent the same amount of time planning my exit as I spent on trying to save my life. This is not easy, but I find that it had become easier when I realized that I am at rock bottom, and when emotions subsided.
But I still have the resources to go on, if I can. Last month a surgeon told me that no further surgical intervention is possible to relieve pain, as it will likely mess me more up than I already am. I heard nothing new, I spent my entire life coping with my circumstances. I watch my friends work full-time jobs , getting married, and having children, while I do what i do best, staying at my apartment, only go out to buy food supplies, which I try do do every morning, but it only takes a few minutes and then I am back at my apartment. This is not entirely true, I did work in a specialized field for about 6-7 years, and then my body and mind started to deteriorate at a rapid rate.
I had a really bad upbringing, domestic violence was something that I was exposed to everyday of my life until I moved out, about 20 years ago. Lost my mother at a young age, I had a good relationship with her, the other parent is a different story. I can go on and on, about how my brain is totally screwdup because of exposure to violence at a very young age, but you probably know this very well yourself. I do not blame anyone for my problems, because it is useless.
I recently visited my father, and I told him about all my mental and physical difficulties, he just said it is a shame that I have to endure mental afflictions on-top of my physical conditions......I said nothing to that. I am very open about my life, and I told my family about my plans etc, no one is going to wonder what it was all about, the people who knows me/or family, knows what life i lived. In a very unstable household and having major surgery year after year.
So you may wonder what I am trying to accomplish, it is just to be able to do the basic, work is most important (you have to eat). Work also gives you some meaning to your life. I know how it was and I want it back. But it is not easy to rebuild a business, get new clients, while doing the type of work which require all of your undivided attention. For me to be able to do that, I need to get my mind and body stronger. I do some exercises everyday, as much as I can, and I do an online course, trying to cultivate new skills. I also use opioids for pain, an option that is non-excited while at work.
I am not optimistic about my future, I am a realist, I know how bad it is, and it is not something that is going to fall in place, not without a tremdous amount of effort .
In the meantime , everything (method) is in place for when it is time to go, it could be any day.
Thanks for reading my vent !
But I still have the resources to go on, if I can. Last month a surgeon told me that no further surgical intervention is possible to relieve pain, as it will likely mess me more up than I already am. I heard nothing new, I spent my entire life coping with my circumstances. I watch my friends work full-time jobs , getting married, and having children, while I do what i do best, staying at my apartment, only go out to buy food supplies, which I try do do every morning, but it only takes a few minutes and then I am back at my apartment. This is not entirely true, I did work in a specialized field for about 6-7 years, and then my body and mind started to deteriorate at a rapid rate.
I had a really bad upbringing, domestic violence was something that I was exposed to everyday of my life until I moved out, about 20 years ago. Lost my mother at a young age, I had a good relationship with her, the other parent is a different story. I can go on and on, about how my brain is totally screwdup because of exposure to violence at a very young age, but you probably know this very well yourself. I do not blame anyone for my problems, because it is useless.
I recently visited my father, and I told him about all my mental and physical difficulties, he just said it is a shame that I have to endure mental afflictions on-top of my physical conditions......I said nothing to that. I am very open about my life, and I told my family about my plans etc, no one is going to wonder what it was all about, the people who knows me/or family, knows what life i lived. In a very unstable household and having major surgery year after year.
So you may wonder what I am trying to accomplish, it is just to be able to do the basic, work is most important (you have to eat). Work also gives you some meaning to your life. I know how it was and I want it back. But it is not easy to rebuild a business, get new clients, while doing the type of work which require all of your undivided attention. For me to be able to do that, I need to get my mind and body stronger. I do some exercises everyday, as much as I can, and I do an online course, trying to cultivate new skills. I also use opioids for pain, an option that is non-excited while at work.
I am not optimistic about my future, I am a realist, I know how bad it is, and it is not something that is going to fall in place, not without a tremdous amount of effort .
In the meantime , everything (method) is in place for when it is time to go, it could be any day.
Thanks for reading my vent !
