Help UPDATE: After understandable Hurdles I’ve decided to change my Bathtub drowning method from a Primary to secondary part in CTB’ing.

[madjin]

Yeah so, That hodge-podge of KO drugs just ain't gonna cut it. So here's the new plan:

I will be using the Sodium Nitrite + Acid regulator + Antiemetic method instead as my Primary suicide method. I picked it up from the suicide megathread but it's almost a Decade old, I wish they'd update it.

The bathtub will act as a failsafe in that when Hypoxia from the Sodium Nitrite sets in I will be setting up my body in a way that my Head goes under water. A insurance policy if you will. If all SN does is render me unconscious for Hours and then wake up to puke it all out, atleast in this way I can make sure I actually fucking die by including the drowning part.

Yes I'm a bit peeved. And discouraged. And scared. I just don't wanna wake up a Brain damaged zombie with just enough functionality left that I suffer for Years.

I don't want to fail this time.

Please help me make sure this method is fullproof. Thank you.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Yes, we knew that. And there is no word fullproof. It's nonexistent. The word you're looking for is foolproof, as in, even a fool can't mess it up. Don't take my word for it, I encourage you to look it up.

Now, let's get to the actual plan: I don't like it. If SN is your method, then let that be your method. You'll be vomiting, you'll be cold, you'll get the cold sweats, and you may at some point feel hot. None of these things sound like they go well with being in a full bathtub, at least not to me.

Make sure your SN is pure: test it. Follow protocol: fast, and take an antiemetic. Make sure you're taking the right amount of SN in the right (very minimal) amount of water. Prepare a second and maybe even a third cup of SN to drink after you vomit the first one up. Make sure you aren't found. Put your devices out of reach so you won't call for help once the confusion sets in. That's it. Drowning shouldn't need to be added to this method. Nobody can stop you if you want to do both, but imo just use one method and do it correctly. I wish you luck and peace .

P.S… the SN Bible is from 2023. If you don't like the decade old SN megathread, then go with Vizzy's SN Bible (In the SRC) instead.

 

[madjin]

Yes, we knew that. And there is no word fullproof. It's nonexistent. The word you're looking for is foolproof, as in, even a fool can't mess it up. Don't take my word for it, I encourage you to look it up.

Now, let's get to the actual plan: I don't like it. If SN is your method, then let that be your method. You'll be vomiting, you'll be cold, you'll get the cold sweats, and you may at some point feel hot. None of these things sound like they go well with being in a full bathtub, at least not to me.

Make sure your SN is pure: test it. Follow protocol: fast, and take an antiemetic. Make sure you're taking the right amount of SN in the right (very minimal) amount of water. Prepare a second and maybe even a third cup of SN to drink after you vomit the first one up. Make sure you aren't found. Put your devices out of reach so you won't call for help once the confusion sets in. That's it. Drowning shouldn't need to be added to this method. Nobody can stop you if you want to do both, but imo just use one method and do it correctly. I wish you luck and peace .

P.S… the SN Bible is from 2023. If you don't like the decade old SN megathread, then go with Vizzy's SN Bible (In the SRC) instead.

Glad you agree, also way ahead of you on the Comprehensive Vizzy guide. Read the full thing over, Didn't understand the math but Am Going to keep revisiting it until I do.

Good news is that I've already ordered SN that is 98%+ pure. Now I'm figuring out the logistics of weighing it, Testing it and understanding precisely What I need.

Antiemetics might be close in reach, antacids have been dropped for Pain killers which are easily found. These 3 shall be the pillars of my CTB. Need to buy test strips but I won't do the blood test. Fasting I understand, But maybe the 2 day preparation mark isn't for me. And still compiling general info and mainly making sure I do my due diligence this time around and ask around from you Lovely people so I don't fuck up. Excuse the language.

But I've been having trouble holding onto my sorrow and my motivation for dying. I have to close my eyes and actively remember the various reasons why I need to die so I don't loose my drive. It's upsetting but hey…That's a Man's life. Right now they call 20 a young boy, Maybe I can take solace in that I won't let my misfortunes keep me suffering for years on end. That's some solace for me, That I don't have to play anymore. I get to escape. I get to go to that Undiscovered country.

Sorry for the rant, I'm incredibly frustrated.!

And even if I do throw up (hopefully on antiemetic dopamine blockers I don't) I wonder if I only have to keep downing more SN without reupping on the other meds too? There's also some questions regarding how many pills I pop, how much Water I use, measurements of SN…etc Maybe you can help me?

Again, Thank you for checking in. I appreciate you even if you feel a bit cold towards me. And yeah, You're right on the Bathtub thing, It's a extra hassle I don't need. I'm happy you think SN is more than do-able. As for the phone, I still wanna listen to music as I die. Maybe I keep my Airpods in but keep the phone on the floor while I'm on my bed?

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I trust that between the megathread, Vizzy's "Bible" & Stan's guide you will be on the right track.

However… if your sorrow is fading, can you please explain why you still want to CTB (at 20, no less)? I knew people at 20 who were deep in their sorrow and then one day it just… left. And they went on to live happy lives.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

But I've been having trouble holding onto my sorrow and my motivation for dying. I have to close my eyes and actively remember the various reasons why I need to die so I don't loose my drive.

I would second what DeathSweetDeath said. This doesn't sound like you are really done with life. I don't think you should go through with this when you obviously have doubts. Things can change vastly and quickly at your age, it's not uncommon.

 

[madjin]

I trust that between the megathread, Vizzy's "Bible" & Stan's guide you will be on the right track.

However… if your sorrow is fading, can you please explain why you still want to CTB (at 20, no less)? I knew people at 20 who were deep in their sorrow and then one day it just… left. And they went on to live happy lives.

I've already ordered Antiemetics, SN and have been holding back on the Pain killers because of certain logistical reasons. Last thing I want to do is rush through the various checks and balances that could potentially ruin my death.

My demented Life and self will only bring me more Misery, Miseries of which I'm most afraid. I always tell myself 'If you think It's bad now, Wait until you're 30. You'll see just how deep this well of pain and stagnation can go.' Committing suicide right now is the Biggest Mercy I can give to my future self, Because I know with the way things are in my life…It'll never get better. I can't get out of my own way and too much crucial time has passed for things to change. Chronic misery is all that remains….I'm not interested. I deserve better. I deserve love. I deserve to be chosen first. I deserve death's mercy.

Sorry about the vagueness, I don't like to despair too much as I'm trying to stay detached to make the task at hand easier to complete.

I would second what DeathSweetDeath said. This doesn't sound like you are really done with life. I don't think you should go through with this when you obviously have doubts. Things can change vastly and quickly at your age, it's not uncommon.

I've lost my will to live for a While now. There are no doubt, Only daydreams and delusions of what I could've been.

Now I do what I must.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

But I've been having trouble holding onto my sorrow and my motivation for dying.

This sounds like doubts to me.

I always tell myself 'If you think It's bad now, Wait until you're 30. You'll see just how deep this well of pain and stagnation can go.' Committing suicide right now is the Biggest Mercy I can give to my future self, Because I know with the way things are in my life…It'll never get better. I can't get out of my own way and too much crucial time has passed for things to change. Chronic misery is all that remains….I'm not interested. I deserve better. I deserve love. I deserve to be chosen first.

You can't predict the future. Thats a fallacious assumption. What is when you are 30 is largely dependent on what you start to do now. Just because things might be a certain way right now doesn't mean you can't change them. You can change a lot of things, especially in 10 years. No time has passed, you are 20. That's literally nothing, age wise. You can press the reset button at 20 and still build a life for yourself. It's pretty much impossible to have exhausted your options at that age as you simply didn't even had enough time for that.
Im currently trying to do the same with 34. Believe me it's depressing. But I would hate myself for not at least trying everything I could.

Anyway, I'm gonna stop at this point, in the end you will do what you deem right and I can't nor want stop you from doing that. I can only encourage you to consider what I and maybe others with double your experience in life tell you and think this through again as the thoughts you presented here about this aren't of particularly rational nature. Of course I don't know the details of your circumstances but in most cases I've seen on here so far they weren't as bleak as the young person having them initially deemed them to be.

In any case, I wish you luck & peace however you may decide to move forward.

 

[madjin]

This sounds like doubts to me.


You can't predict the future. Thats a fallacious assumption. What is when you are 30 is largely dependent on what you start to do now. Just because things might be a certain way right now doesn't mean you can't change them. You can change a lot of things, especially in 10 years. No time has passed, you are 20. That's literally nothing, age wise. You can press the reset button at 20 and still build a life for yourself. It's pretty much impossible to have exhausted your options at that age as you simply didn't even had enough time for that.
Im currently trying to do the same with 34. Believe me it's depressing. But I would hate myself for not at least trying everything I could.

Anyway, I'm gonna stop at this point, in the end you will do what you deem right and I can't nor want stop you from doing that. I can only encourage you to consider what I and maybe others with double your experience in life tell you and think this through again as the thoughts you presented here about this aren't of particularly rational nature. Of course I don't know the details of your circumstances but in most cases I've seen on here so far they weren't as bleak as the young person having them initially deemed them to be.

In any case, I wish you luck & peace however you may decide to move forward.

it's always the 'Nothings' that end up being so important.

There are certain facts and events you can look at to determine how your Life, as the way you are now, Might turn out later down the line.

Facts of a Personal nature, and of a Worldly nature. I've merely complied all these facts together, to the best of my ability, mixed them with my own failings to understand what my own life will be like. And it's nothing good.

God, It's hard to explain…Main thing is, I've been through enough bullshit and have developed enough of a Objective mental model that has promised me I will not be happy or thriving in this life.

I know it's sort sighted but I can't bear life's mishaps any longer. Also, Just saying 'You're so young! Life will be fine. So what your childhood was utter shit and it ruined you? Stop being irrational. Your pain and problems do not matter!' Does not help.

It is done, the pain has been total and absolute in it's robbing me of my joys. The best thing i can do for myself now is…End it all Young. Not after another 10-15 years of misery and further compounding of prior & present failures, Now when I still have some pride left in me.

This world is cruel beyond all measure.

I hope I don't come back here or come back here another, far better time.

Thanks for hearing me, even if I couldn't clearly express my Pain.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

Facts of a Personal nature, and of a Worldly nature. I've merely complied all these facts together, to the best of my ability, mixed them with my own failings to understand what my own life will be like. And it's nothing good.

God, It's hard to explain…Main thing is, I've been through enough bullshit and have developed enough of a Objective mental model that has promised me I will not be happy or thriving in this life.

You can't extrapolate life based on the past. It doesn't work that way and has nothing to do with rationality. It's far too complex a system to rationally predict it. Sure you can say your chances of achieving X are lower than someone else's who has a better starting position. But that's about it. You can't even say how much worse, it's impossible to quantify or accurately predict what will happen. The only thing you can do is do your best working towards what is important to you. Whether you be thriving or not is up to you, and yes partly up to chance as well.
Many chances don't work out, believe me I've had that happen, too. I'm dealing with this shit for 10 years, or 20, depending how you count it. I understand your pain, I really do, I have thought myself like this at since I was 24 and sometimes even today I wish I had ended it back then. But there was also times when I wished I didn't and there might be times in the future when I will be glad I didn't, possibly, depending o how the next 1 or 2 years work out. Otherwise I will also CTB...

I know it's sort sighted but I can't bear life's mishaps any longer. Also, Just saying 'You're so young! Life will be fine. So what your childhood was utter shit and it ruined you? Stop being irrational. Your pain and problems do not matter!' Does not help.

I didn't say any of that, I said, exhaust your options. I didn't about your childhood since I didn't mention it but assumed something along those lines. I also didn't say your pain or problems didn't matter, I said you need to address them, probably with outside help. That means taking a step back, doing therapy for some years and yes, a lot of shitty, hard work that will not be pleasant...

I understand if you don't want to that after all, but I feel like someone should present the option to you as what you're saying is after all not rational all all, although you may believe that. I have once thought in a similar way, but it got me nowhere.
If you feel able to hold on for a while at least and give this a chance you can even have your CTB method on hand and give it a try, work out a timeframe with your therapist in which it should be a worthwhile life, if it isn't then, you can still CTB. Living on isn't a final decision, CTB is.

Whatever you decide, best of luck getting it done!

 

[madjin]

You can't extrapolate life based on the past. It doesn't work that way and has nothing to do with rationality. It's far too complex a system to rationally predict it. Sure you can say your chances of achieving X are lower than someone else's who has a better starting position. But that's about it. You can't even say how much worse, it's impossible to quantify or accurately predict what will happen. The only thing you can do is do your best working towards what is important to you. Whether you be thriving or not is up to you, and yes partly up to chance as well.
Many chances don't work out, believe me I've had that happen, too. I'm dealing with this shit for 10 years, or 20, depending how you count it. I understand your pain, I really do, I have thought myself like this at since I was 24 and sometimes even today I wish I had ended it back then. But there was also times when I wished I didn't and there might be times in the future when I will be glad I didn't, possibly, depending o how the next 1 or 2 years work out. Otherwise I will also CTB...


I didn't say any of that, I said, exhaust your options. I didn't about your childhood since I didn't mention it but assumed something along those lines. I also didn't say your pain or problems didn't matter, I said you need to address them, probably with outside help. That means taking a step back, doing therapy for some years and yes, a lot of shitty, hard work that will not be pleasant...

I understand if you don't want to that after all, but I feel like someone should present the option to you as what you're saying is after all not rational all all, although you may believe that. I have once thought in a similar way, but it got me nowhere.
If you feel able to hold on for a while at least and give this a chance you can even have your CTB method on hand and give it a try, work out a timeframe with your therapist in which it should be a worthwhile life, if it isn't then, you can still CTB. Living on isn't a final decision, CTB is.

Whatever you decide, best of luck getting it done!

I wish I had someone to hold my hand as I died.