Venting Unknown Emotions

[AQUA]

I'm COMPLETELY mind fucked on what/how to feel at the moment.
I keep getting these random nonsense bursts of positivity but Never get a break from the suicidal thinking. Nothing has happened to change my outlook on CTB.
The spiral of the void is still in motion.

Is this indecision a part of the process or have I unconsciously changed my mind? is it common? soo confused

 

[nowhere2befound]

Me too, when i am at my best I just remember how i decided my life will end and peace of mind comes afterwards

 

[Makko]

I think this is normal. The most important emotions are the ones you never fully understand. If you ever do, it comes as a sudden revelation that you could never predict or control. It really makes you feel helpless.

 

[AQUA]

Me too, when i am at my best I just remember how i decided my life will end and peace of mind comes afterwards

phew. glad I'm not the only one.

I think this is normal. The most important emotions are the ones you never fully understand. If you ever do, it comes as a sudden revelation that you could never predict or control. It really makes you feel helpless.

what are you supposed to do in the wake of the helplessness and disorientation?

 

[WornOutLife]

I was (and sometimes still am) in your shoes!!!

That spiral, the eternal cycle of wanting to ctb or not just ruins our mind. I spent HOURS and HOURS in bed doing nothing. Just thinking about negative stuff, which method I should use, what a coward I am, how I could've done better things in my life, etc.

Also, I drank lots of alcohol so as to "trip to another reality. "

Of course, those things I tried only made it worse.

Then, some days ago I said to myself: "ENOUGH!! IF I WANT TO CTB, I'M GONNA DO IT RIGHT NOW. IF I STILL HAVE DOUBTS, I'LL JUST GO ON WITH MY LIFE AND JUMP IN FRONT OF MY TRAIN WHEN I FEEL LIKE. This is not over! I'm 33! Life can actually be great again for me. "

These words and realization that things were never gonna change unless I moved my ass, helped me lots and in spite of my bipolar disorder, I've been feeling much better recently.

Mind you, the ups and downs will always be there. The key is to fight the DOWNS properly by moving fast and getting out of the CTB/DEPRESSION ZONE.

 

[AQUA]

I was (and sometimes still am) in your shoes!!!

That spiral, the eternal cycle of wanting to ctb or not just ruins our mind. I spent HOURS and HOURS in bed doing nothing. Just thinking about negative stuff, which method I should use, what a coward I am, how I could've done better things in my life, etc.

Also, I drank lots of alcohol so as to "trip to another reality. "

Of course, those things I tried only made it worse.

Then, some days ago I said to myself: "ENOUGH!! IF I WANT TO CTB, I'M GONNA DO IT RIGHT NOW. IF I STILL HAVE DOUBTS, I'LL JUST GO ON WITH MY LIFE AND JUMP IN FRONT OF MY TRAIN WHEN I FEEL LIKE. This is not over! I'm 33! Life can actually be great again for me. "

These words and realization that things were never gonna change unless I moved my ass, helped me lots and in spite of my bipolar disorder, I've been feeling much better recently.

Mind you, the ups and downs will always be there. The key is to fight the DOWNS properly by moving fast and getting out of the CTB/DEPRESSION ZONE.

I relate soo much to what you wrote, especially about "the eternal cycle" and your experience with rumination.
The cycle has given me deep insight and perspective into human behaviour and psychology, seems to me that it's done the same (if not more)for you :)

Glad you've been feeling better recently. I love the way you formulate your thoughts, your posts are as helpful as antidepressant