Help Ultimate dilemma

[endlesschatter]

I don't have a method because I live with a family.

When I first started suicide ideation, i was alone and no one was there to understand me, no one..

As a result of which I started staying aloof in my own world.
I attempted CTB without thinking about anything.
I made some good friends in life.
I attempted CTB without thinking about anything.
Later on, I did Yoga and meditation to get better at life.
In my college life, I couldn't continue these practices. Life started going bad again.
Finally there was time to CTB again, I didn't think anything, I just did.

Unfortunately I had been surviving these attempts.
Few years ago, i told my parents that I'm suicidal and they turned loving.

Now, I'm very close to acquiring SN, but this guilt is stopping me from ctb.

My death will spoil the environment of my home forever, mourning dull environment, because i keep the environment alive with my energy.

Now that they love me so much, I kinda feel selfish to ctb to give them pain when they are so old and they love me so much.

I don't know, on one hand my 20 decades of ctb on the other hand, the dull mourning environment of my home.

If I wait for future, SN may not be available in the future. Ctb in future will be more difficult


What to do.. What not to do..!!!!

 

[Salkak]

I don't have a method because I live with a family.

When I first started suicide ideation, i was alone and no one was there to understand me, no one..

As a result of which I started staying aloof in my own world.
I attempted CTB without thinking about anything.
I made some good friends in life.
I attempted CTB without thinking about anything.
Later on, I did Yoga and meditation to get better at life.
In my college life, I couldn't continue these practices. Life started going bad again.
Finally there was time to CTB again, I didn't think anything, I just did.

Unfortunately I had been surviving these attempts.
Few years ago, i told my parents that I'm suicidal and they turned loving.

Now, I'm very close to acquiring SN, but this guilt is stopping me from ctb.

My death will spoil the environment of my home forever, mourning dull environment, because i keep the environment alive with my energy.

Now that they love me so much, I kinda feel selfish to ctb to give them pain when they are so old and they love me so much.

I don't know, on one hand my 20 decades of ctb on the other hand, the dull mourning environment of my home.

If I wait for future, SN may not be available in the future. Ctb in future will be more difficult


What to do.. What not to do..!!!!

I am also in this kind of dilema. I am scared of hurting my family. They are loving and caring. I was the one with fucked brain.
I have to wait a few years before doing it and I am scared that sn will not be available. I can't even hide it at home

 

[endlesschatter]

I am also in this kind of dilema. I am scared of hurting my family. They are loving and caring. I was the one with fucked brain.
I have to wait a few years before doing it and I am scared that sn will not be available. I can't even hide it at home

This is such a crazy dilemma. On one hand we don't want to hurt them but on the other hand we want to get freedom from life. And availability of SN will get more and more difficult

 

[Salkak]

This is such a crazy dilemma. On one hand we don't want to hurt them but on the other hand we want to get freedom from life. And availability of SN will get more and more difficult

Yeah that's what I am worried about- SN getting harder to procure. It's already so difficult. Can't imagine what will happen in near future.

 

[hihi2027]

i unfortunately don't really have an answer because for me if i had a method that was 100 percent foolproof, no pain, I wouldn't be here. Regardless of the consequences of doing so... I am a coward at heart. I see here that you have "20 decades of ctb" so clearly waiting won't doing anything. Only you can decide, is your ctb worth the mourning it will bring to your family? You are a good person to think of other people, but it can also cause yourself undue suffering. You'll have to decide for yourself if your need to leave this life outweighes your family's mourning. I will say that ctb'ing somewhere else, then having police rely your fate is slighty better than finding a dead body in the home. Your family will have to move away from that image into another home. idk these are tough considerations!

 

[endlesschatter]

Yeah that's what I am worried about- SN getting harder to procure. It's already so difficult. Can't imagine what will happen in near future.

I guess we will all have to go for group camping on a hill station. I hope one of us knows how to handle coal and grill. I can get the co meter

 

[Salkak]

I guess we will all have to go for group camping on a hill station. I hope one of us knows how to handle coal and grill. I can get the co meter

Yeah that will be also a good way to go.

i unfortunately don't really have an answer because for me if i had a method that was 100 percent foolproof, no pain, I wouldn't be here. Regardless of the consequences of doing so... I am a coward at heart. I see here that you have "20 decades of ctb" so clearly waiting won't doing anything. Only you can decide, is your ctb worth the mourning it will bring to your family? You are a good person to think of other people, but it can also cause yourself undue suffering. You'll have to decide for yourself if your need to leave this life outweighes your family's mourning. I will say that ctb'ing somewhere else, then having police rely your fate is slighty better than finding a dead body in the home. Your family will have to move away from that image into another home. idk these are tough considerations!

Even I feel this. I am a coward

 

[endlesschatter]

i unfortunately don't really have an answer because for me if i had a method that was 100 percent foolproof, no pain, I wouldn't be here. Regardless of the consequences of doing so... I am a coward at heart. I see here that you have "20 decades of ctb" so clearly waiting won't doing anything. Only you can decide, is your ctb worth the mourning it will bring to your family? You are a good person to think of other people, but it can also cause yourself undue suffering. You'll have to decide for yourself if your need to leave this life outweighes your family's mourning. I will say that ctb'ing somewhere else, then having police rely your fate is slighty better than finding a dead body in the home. Your family will have to move away from that image into another home. idk these are tough considerations!

The interesting part is that they were not as loving as they are now. If they were as loving and protective, i wouldn't need to think of ctb.
This change of heart in confusing me if i should it now or later. I'm living a crazy life at this point when everything is under surveillance, every parcel is checked, the only hope could be if just once i can get a good sn inside my room, i can execute it at night. The catch here is if i can get that sn inside my room without being checked. The probability of this is feeble

Yeah that will be also a good way to go.

Even I feel this. I am a coward

Haste haste kat jaye raste
Glass la scotch
Why this kolaveri di
Rhythm corret

 

[hihi2027]

The interesting part is that they were not as loving as they are now. If they were as loving and protective, i wouldn't need to think of ctb.
This change of heart in confusing me if i should it now or later. I'm living a crazy life at this point when everything is under surveillance, every parcel is checked, the only hope could be if just once i can get a good sn inside my room, i can execute it at night. The catch here is if i can get that sn inside my room without being checked. The probability of this is feeble

My parents dont even know my suicidal ideation for the past 10 years and even my parcels are checked, so yeah, getting sn inside with detections is up a rats... I used to have fantasties about doing a sort of 'fake suicide' like taking a bunch of pills and leaving a note knowing that it wouldn't work. But such never happened and here I am again after all these years. Life sucks :(

 

[endlesschatter]

My parents dont even know my suicidal ideation for the past 10 years and even my parcels are checked, so yeah, getting sn inside with detections is up a rats... I used to have fantasties about doing a sort of 'fake suicide' like taking a bunch of pills and leaving a note knowing that it wouldn't work. But such never happened and here I am again after all these years. Life sucks :(

Life sucks big time..
You know in 2023 when i was desperate to die.
SN was easily available. But i didn't narrow down to it. I wish I had narrowed down to it.. My parents didn't know that i was suicidal by that time.
I missed the bus
10 years is a good long time, how do you manage through your time?? Is there any way your life could get better

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

There's not much stopping you from buying SN and hiding it away/replacing if you worry it's expired.

You definitely have some philosophical choices ahead of you. Good luck

 

[endlesschatter]

There's not much stopping you from buying SN and hiding it away/replacing if you worry it's expired.

You definitely have some philosophical choices ahead of you. Good luck

My father and mother are stopping me from getting SN into my room, if they receive it or I receive it in their presence,
I'm mad, i can impulsively execute the protocol once i have the sn.. but how to smuggle that into my room is a game i need to play smartly

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

Get creative and find a way to ship it…. Not to your house. Do they strip search you before you go in your room?

 

[endlesschatter]

Get creative and find a way to ship it…. Not to your house. Do they strip search you before you go in your room?

They check all my packets and bag and if i order product they check what product have i ordered. I once got a love spell oil that a mystic sent to me as freebie, i had a hard time.. They were after it, what is this who sent this what is the use of this..ughh it's so fucking frustrating that i have no privacy..i don't even have one corner of my home where i can hide anything

But i know one place in my room once i get something inside my room, i can hide it there without getting found

 

[sadbh—itstimetogo🤎]

I'm not going to tell you how to be sneaky, but where there's a will, there's a way

 

[hihi2027]

Life sucks big time..
You know in 2023 when i was desperate to die.
SN was easily available. But i didn't narrow down to it. I wish I had narrowed down to it.. My parents didn't know that i was suicidal by that time.
I missed the bus
10 years is a good long time, how do you manage through your time?? Is there any way your life could get better

Mostly distractions or sleeping. I dont enjoy talking to people or the day-to-day as people call it. Life is just a series of events happening at you and I dont feel anything but numbness and emptiness. There was maybe one time I could have jumped off the floor into the concrete of a hotel but the family was there with me so, missed the bus there. This was months ago. Will my life get better. Very doubtful

 

[endlesschatter]

I'm not going to tell you how to be sneaky, but where there's a will, there's a way

Yeah i have smuggled my alcohol bottles in the past. I can do that, just need a bit of luck

Mostly distractions or sleeping. I dont enjoy talking to people or the day-to-day as people call it. Life is just a series of events happening at you and I dont feel anything but numbness and emptiness. There was maybe one time I could have jumped off the floor into the concrete of a hotel but the family was there with me so, missed the bus there. This was months ago. Will my life get better. Very doubtful

I can feel you brother I'm glad you didn't jump.. Jumping is a non method..
Protocol is. Search for a method that works, do some experiments to get assurance , once you are sure, perfect that method and then execute when you'll not be disturbed to get you medical help in time