ostracism
Member
- Aug 1, 2021
- 10
I turned 18 a few days ago therefore I'm 'officially' joining this website. (used to be @submersion, I joined then disabled my account when I was still 17.)
I had passive suicidal ideations since I was 12, I even watched the euthanasia video of an old lady with N back then.(the vid ending with chocolate ingestion)
Also I've been a chronic lurker of LostAllHope (looking through MLDs were the best haha) since I was 15.
Met 2 school counselors, 2 psychiatrists and 4 therapists so far.
Currently I am in therapy yet I acknowledge that it can't help my existential depression-resulting from emotional abuse from my father when I was younger, vastly different interest areas compared to my peers, such as anesthesiology, topology (I admit that I struggle in differential topology. It's the most difficult subject I've ever encountered), pharmacology, psychiatry (for psychiatry, mostly to observe how factitiously and mellifluously supposed 'researchers' are sugar-coating the 'benefits' of psychiatry through various academic articles), ostracism (I officially have no friends. The only people in my life are my parents and my therapist.), and high sensitivity. My therapist even told me that she can't understand me because I'm a very complicated, intricate person to understand.
The only reason that I'm in therapy is due to my mother & I'm officially considered as a 'minor' here in South Korea, until I turn 19.
I ditched the psychiatrist today after trying my previous meds (alprazolam + Wellbutrin) yet realizing that they only slow my thoughts down, leaving me in silence, which is something I can't handle. I tend to constantly intellectualize (as a defense mechanism) and repress my emotions in order to avoid getting flashbacks of my past- and to intellectualize my head needs to be processing something but psychiatric medications slow everything down, making me feel 'calm'. I live in a state of perpetual tension and thoughts so calmness feels abnormal for me. In addition, depression helped me to acquire a handful of things, such as languages (English, German, and a little French), more than average knowledge in psych-related areas,
creativity, and a deep insight in myself. So I'm reluctant to just 'get better' and give up depression and be fine. oh well, I can't suddenly snapped into 'a state of being fine' though, how can the emotional abuse be undone? The psychological damage that my dad has done, although he changed now and no longer is abusing me?
I appreciate you for reading my introductory post and I'm glad to meet you.
For now, I'm having passive suicidal ideations and I haven't chosen my method yet, but if I ever attempt, the method would be SN.
I fantasize my medical notes being like this:
no self respiration
no pulsation on carotid & femoral artery
no pupil reflex, full dilation fixed
flat EKG
_________
.....xx.xx.xxxx, expired
For anyone interested:
<The Oxford handbook of social exclusion> edited by C. Nathan describes the nature of ostracism very well. Sorry in advance if someone previously recommended this. You can download it free in zibrary. (https://z-lib.org)
proof-
I had passive suicidal ideations since I was 12, I even watched the euthanasia video of an old lady with N back then.(the vid ending with chocolate ingestion)
Also I've been a chronic lurker of LostAllHope (looking through MLDs were the best haha) since I was 15.
Met 2 school counselors, 2 psychiatrists and 4 therapists so far.
Currently I am in therapy yet I acknowledge that it can't help my existential depression-resulting from emotional abuse from my father when I was younger, vastly different interest areas compared to my peers, such as anesthesiology, topology (I admit that I struggle in differential topology. It's the most difficult subject I've ever encountered), pharmacology, psychiatry (for psychiatry, mostly to observe how factitiously and mellifluously supposed 'researchers' are sugar-coating the 'benefits' of psychiatry through various academic articles), ostracism (I officially have no friends. The only people in my life are my parents and my therapist.), and high sensitivity. My therapist even told me that she can't understand me because I'm a very complicated, intricate person to understand.
The only reason that I'm in therapy is due to my mother & I'm officially considered as a 'minor' here in South Korea, until I turn 19.
I ditched the psychiatrist today after trying my previous meds (alprazolam + Wellbutrin) yet realizing that they only slow my thoughts down, leaving me in silence, which is something I can't handle. I tend to constantly intellectualize (as a defense mechanism) and repress my emotions in order to avoid getting flashbacks of my past- and to intellectualize my head needs to be processing something but psychiatric medications slow everything down, making me feel 'calm'. I live in a state of perpetual tension and thoughts so calmness feels abnormal for me. In addition, depression helped me to acquire a handful of things, such as languages (English, German, and a little French), more than average knowledge in psych-related areas,
creativity, and a deep insight in myself. So I'm reluctant to just 'get better' and give up depression and be fine. oh well, I can't suddenly snapped into 'a state of being fine' though, how can the emotional abuse be undone? The psychological damage that my dad has done, although he changed now and no longer is abusing me?
I appreciate you for reading my introductory post and I'm glad to meet you.
For now, I'm having passive suicidal ideations and I haven't chosen my method yet, but if I ever attempt, the method would be SN.
I fantasize my medical notes being like this:
no self respiration
no pulsation on carotid & femoral artery
no pupil reflex, full dilation fixed
flat EKG
_________
.....xx.xx.xxxx, expired
For anyone interested:
<The Oxford handbook of social exclusion> edited by C. Nathan describes the nature of ostracism very well. Sorry in advance if someone previously recommended this. You can download it free in zibrary. (https://z-lib.org)
proof-
