Trying to work through my last therapy session

[these_days9]

So I've been seeing my therapist for some time and trust her. We talk about my desire to ctb pretty openly, and I that I think life is meaningless, especially because I have all the reasons to have a "happy" life. Obviously just like any human my live hasn't been without problems or reasons to be depressed, but for the most part I have what I need.

A lot of our conversations have been trying to dig into why meaningless would cause my depression or why I can't just accept it and decide it's okay to just live. This week we got to talking about that maybe my "attachment" to meaninglessness and wanting to ctb actually just stems from a shit ton of anxiety that I've sort of avoided so much. So in a sense she's suggesting that if we surface my anxiety, I wouldn't be as depressed or want to ctb.

I just don't really know how to reckon with this and sorry if this should be in off topic or recovery, I'll move it if so. I truly believe that people should be allowed to end their life if they want and it should be easy and painless. And it doesn't feel like that stems from anywhere else besides the reality that I didn't choose to be here and I don't want to be.

I trust you all here so anyone have thoughts or advice on how I can navigate this? I fully realize that even seeing a therapist could indicate I have some desire to live but I just see it as trying to manage my challenges with still being alive while not being able to ctb yet.

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm seeing a therapist too but she doesn't help at all. She's just a pro-lifer and says things such as "you gotta live no matter what, life is beautiful"
Your therapist sounds cooler, at least.
I think, in the end, your decision whether to live or not, is up to you. You are the only one who can decide that. Neither your therapist nor us.


Anyway, i hope you can find peace.


Wish you the best,


Hugs and love

 

[these_days9]

I'm seeing a therapist too but she doesn't help at all. She's just a pro-lifer and says things such as "you gotta live no matter what, life is beautiful"
Your therapist sounds cooler, at least.
I think, in the end, your decision whether to live or not, is up to you. You are the only one who can decide that. Neither your therapist nor us.


Anyway, i hope you can find peace.


Wish you the best,


Hugs and love

thanks for the reply. definitely not asking anyone to tell me what to do, but just trying to hear from like minded folks on their experiences with talking to people about their desire to die and maybe whether it matters if other forces have caused us to think this way or if it's just reality. Maybe it's just a moot point.

and yes, my therapist is pretty cool, i feel insanely lucky I can be so open without fear of being locked up.

 

[Bigpink]

Any idea what your anxiety might be about? If life feels meaningless then that's just the way it is and you are ultimately free to not carry on being 8n the world.
It's good you have a therapist who's engaging with this rather than sticking to the life is precious credo.

 

[these_days9]

Any idea what your anxiety might be about? If life feels meaningless then that's just the way it is and you are ultimately free to not carry on being 8n the world.
It's good you have a therapist who's engaging with this rather than sticking to the life is precious credo.

That's sort of the issue, I don't have something to pin point anxiety to and I've always just assumed I don't really have anxiety (except the normal human amount that everyone does every so often). Basically, I think as a kid I had general anxiety about almost everything and my parents had no idea how to deal with it. I was the kid that always said my stomach hurt so what do you do with that? I think unfortunately, I'm also pretty susceptible to anxiety on how I'm perceived by other people (which I hate hate admitting but whatever I'm human). I just don't totally see how that could translate to these bigger existential/nihilistic feelings I have. I guess if everything is hard to deal with why deal at all? I mean maybe but just seems too simple.

 

[Bigpink]

Yeah we all imagine accurately or not how others might be perceiving us.

I always like to think in terms of bigger existential terms, being in the world or non being. Seems suffering is at the heart of human existance

 

[these_days9]

Yeah we all imagine accurately or not how others might be perceiving us.

I always like to think in terms of bigger existential terms, being in the world or non being. Seems suffering is at the heart of human existance

I agree. I just wish people like us on SS could get out of this suffering if we wish. I know that others have said this in various places here, but I do think the societal disagreement and stigma around suicide is what makes it so hard for some of us to be able to free ourselves from this.

And thank you for replying :)

 

[Deleted member 17949]

the human mind is very complex and what she's suggesting is absolutely a possibility. There is no real way of knowing whether or not this is really the case without investigating it further