ChosenUndead
New Member
- Jul 3, 2025
- 3
Hi everyone, first time poster here!
You can call me the Chosen Undead. (Dark Souls is one of my favorite games of all time)
I have ADHD (I was diagnosed at a young age) and depression, I've suffered from suicidal thoughts for over a decade and I take medication every day for ADHD and depression.
My nana passed away in January. I remember sitting by her side and telling her: I'm going to beat my depression, I'm going to become a nurse, and I will graduate. She couldn't talk to me because she was practically brain dead after going into cardiac arrest a couple of times times. Her breathing, movements, it was all electrical. But they say the last thing that goes is hearing. She must of known what I was saying. Finally she went into hospice and died a couple days later. After her funeral, I started TMS. Not just for her, but for me. I did TMS and holy shit, it worked. My relationship with my family began to improve. I dropped out from college last year but I started a nursing program two months ago. I couldn't believe it but I actually started to like school???? I HATE SCHOOL LMAO. Probably because I was taking classes that I actually needed for the career I was going for and a majority of it is hands on learning. I started to believe in myself!
But once June came along, I felt that beast of depression- that I thought was asleep slowly come back to life. My depression relapsed. Maybe it was because my birthday was coming up and it was the first one without my nana? Maybe it was grief? I would come home and sob, wishing my nana was back. Self doubt creeped in again about the program- maybe I still wasn't ready to become a nurse despite my grades being well. I overthought my assignments leading to procrastination... the self fulfilling prophecy strikes again. Rage that I hadn't felt since last year began boiling me alive from the inside. I relapsed and cut myself with a facial razor on my shoulders. I know its crazy that I used that type of razor but I needed to cut. After my birthday passed, I snapped out of it. The damage was done. I had turned homework in late and screwed two grades up.
Now I'm on the verge of not making it to the next term in the program. I hate it because once again, my family believed in me and if I do fail, it'll be for nothing. I FINALLY BELIEVED IN MYSELF. I'm scared. My suicidal thoughts have been full force for the past couple of days... a month I guess. I'm becoming hollow.
You can call me the Chosen Undead. (Dark Souls is one of my favorite games of all time)
I have ADHD (I was diagnosed at a young age) and depression, I've suffered from suicidal thoughts for over a decade and I take medication every day for ADHD and depression.
My nana passed away in January. I remember sitting by her side and telling her: I'm going to beat my depression, I'm going to become a nurse, and I will graduate. She couldn't talk to me because she was practically brain dead after going into cardiac arrest a couple of times times. Her breathing, movements, it was all electrical. But they say the last thing that goes is hearing. She must of known what I was saying. Finally she went into hospice and died a couple days later. After her funeral, I started TMS. Not just for her, but for me. I did TMS and holy shit, it worked. My relationship with my family began to improve. I dropped out from college last year but I started a nursing program two months ago. I couldn't believe it but I actually started to like school???? I HATE SCHOOL LMAO. Probably because I was taking classes that I actually needed for the career I was going for and a majority of it is hands on learning. I started to believe in myself!
But once June came along, I felt that beast of depression- that I thought was asleep slowly come back to life. My depression relapsed. Maybe it was because my birthday was coming up and it was the first one without my nana? Maybe it was grief? I would come home and sob, wishing my nana was back. Self doubt creeped in again about the program- maybe I still wasn't ready to become a nurse despite my grades being well. I overthought my assignments leading to procrastination... the self fulfilling prophecy strikes again. Rage that I hadn't felt since last year began boiling me alive from the inside. I relapsed and cut myself with a facial razor on my shoulders. I know its crazy that I used that type of razor but I needed to cut. After my birthday passed, I snapped out of it. The damage was done. I had turned homework in late and screwed two grades up.
Now I'm on the verge of not making it to the next term in the program. I hate it because once again, my family believed in me and if I do fail, it'll be for nothing. I FINALLY BELIEVED IN MYSELF. I'm scared. My suicidal thoughts have been full force for the past couple of days... a month I guess. I'm becoming hollow.
