Venting trying to be around others hurts more than being alone

[eggsausagerice]

it's lonelier knowing the people that i could dm right now wouldn't understand what i'm going through at all and mostly accept small talk from me. they just want me to talk about my hobbies, what i've been watching, if i've gone out to do anything. i don't have anything normal to talk about though. i've been trying to talk to my friends more and hang out with them before i die so that i don't feel so alone, but the more i try to be closer to them the easier it is to see how hopeless and pointless my life is compared to them. i'm always worried that my friends would like me more if i was a different person too. the only time i'm not worried about what my friends think of me is if i'm isolating myself or not on my phone wondering if someone's texting me. today i slept a lot again and i'll probably do the same thing tomorrow because i don't have anything to care about in my life anymore. i've been waiting to die for a long time now. i'm sick of being a piece of sludge who knows he'll never amount to anything but can't do anything about it. i'd die tomorrow if i could. my sn's gone bad so i can't use it.

buying things online is starting to make me not feel anything anymore. i can't stand not being understood by anyone anymore and always getting seen as an outsider, even if people think they have stuff in common with me they're not able to see how privileged they are the opportunities they have. everyone is privileged in one way or another. i know i'm in privileged in ways i don't recognize either. i'm just so tired of how lonely my life is. i find myself looping the same youtube videos over and over because it brings me a sense of comfort. i don't have much of a desire to leave my room anymore because i feel like i'll just be judged or people will look at me. i don't exercise or eat well. i only eat maybe 2 times a day. if i block everyone in my life, then i won't have to check my phone for messages anymore, but then i'll have no one that cares about me anymore. it feels like i'm the most uncaring person in my life because i already feel like my friends would find a replacement for me or wouldn't think about me when i died, even if they would actually feel sad. i can't imagine anyone being sad if i recognize myself as a clear burden and as someone that's only half as good as the most interesting person in their lives. i'm not what people really want. i'm not someone's best friend, boyfriend, or favorite person. i'm just an aimless stranger. i'm no good to anyone if i'm depressed, and if i'm suicidal then i shouldn't waste people's time by staying in their lives instead of dying. it feels like everyone's found a way to die already or they're recovering because they found something to live for. i'm just a waste of space that lives for nothing and has no way to die.