Venting trying every possible way to kill myself without killing myself

[eyenumbing]

because im too much of a pussy to actually do it. i've been doing everything else to kill myself. cutting, starving, burning, abusing pills, giving myself infections, alcohol, smoking + vaping (i have a lung condition), not doing treatment for my lungs. i want to die so bad you dont understand. i just wish i could die in my sleep and never have to deal with this pain of living anymore. im so done.

 

[thefirstluminary]

how can you cut and burn yourself but can't ctb if you can endure the pain of burning and cutting ctb'ing is not gonna be that bad

 

[eyenumbing]

how can you cut and burn yourself but can't ctb if you can endure the pain of burning and cutting ctb'ing is not gonna be that bad

i have been engaging in self harm since i was 11 but putting a gun to my face was the hardest thing i had ever done. i couldn't do it.

 

[thefirstluminary]

i have been engaging in self harm since i was 11 but putting a gun to my face was the hardest thing i had ever done. i couldn't do it.

That's very odd
Take some time off I guess and reflect maybe you don't wanna do it and I do hope you find peace ♥
Just take it easy

 

[interna]

That's very odd

it's not very odd at all; to feel pain and to die are two very different things

 

[Kanau_Nano]

how can you cut and burn yourself but can't ctb if you can endure the pain of burning and cutting ctb'ing is not gonna be that bad

Feeling the fear of oncoming death is way more difficult to deal with than sh. They don't compare at all

 

[TeaHealer]

You're thinking too much about injuring yourself more than killing yourself. Even if you want to die, your death will not be at peace because you suffered torturing yourself than getting hurt from others.

I seriously think you need to take your mind off before picking up your own knife. Do something nice to yourself in a moment, and when you feel ready to commit to it; you can go back.

 

[wine is fine but]

how can you cut and burn yourself but can't ctb if you can endure the pain of burning and cutting ctb'ing is not gonna be that bad

as the saying goes
"better the devil you know"

i have never, nor ever thought about sh, but as an example that may be relevant, i always wanted to get a tattoo just to see what it feels like - however, i had a fear that the tattoos themselves might not have been addictive, but the act of getting one might and i would be covered in them, which i do not want. while thankfully, i do not understand self harm myself, i do think i understand the part where pain can become addictive, either because it feels weirdly good to us, or the relief when the painful activity stops, or even because it allows the person to actually feel something . . . everyone of us has a different pain scale, just like with the rest of our senses. what looks good to some, looks horrible to others and as silly as this can sound, what some consider pain can be like heaven to others. i used to love getting my legs waxed. the beautician like it too, because with longer hairs that a guy can get away with, it was much easier for her. just throw the wax on and tear off. to me it tickled, yet a guy i used to work with was a boxer. he actually was professional for at least 2 fights that i know of, and he was happy to get smacked in the face and body by someone, but claimed that waxing was too painful for him. he couldn't understand how i thought it was great. also, when i got my legs lasered, the beautician would put on the freezing cold gel. she would apologise that it was so cold, but i was laughing uncontrollably, because i loved it. the cold gel on my legs, someone putting their cold hands on my shoulders to warm them up and even turning the pillow over at night to keep it cold is heaven to me, but hell to so many other people. sh would almost certainly be the same - hell to most of us, but other crave it

 

[thefirstluminary]

it's not very odd at all; to feel pain and to die are two very different things

Feeling the fear of oncoming death is way more difficult to deal with than sh. They don't compare at all

as the saying goes
"better the devil you know"

i have never, nor ever thought about sh, but as an example that may be relevant, i always wanted to get a tattoo just to see what it feels like - however, i had a fear that the tattoos themselves might not have been addictive, but the act of getting one might and i would be covered in them, which i do not want. while thankfully, i do not understand self harm myself, i do think i understand the part where pain can become addictive, either because it feels weirdly good to us, or the relief when the painful activity stops, or even because it allows the person to actually feel something . . . everyone of us has a different pain scale, just like with the rest of our senses. what looks good to some, looks horrible to others and as silly as this can sound, what some consider pain can be like heaven to others. i used to love getting my legs waxed. the beautician like it too, because with longer hairs that a guy can get away with, it was much easier for her. just throw the wax on and tear off. to me it tickled, yet a guy i used to work with was a boxer. he actually was professional for at least 2 fights that i know of, and he was happy to get smacked in the face and body by someone, but claimed that waxing was too painful for him. he couldn't understand how i thought it was great. also, when i got my legs lasered, the beautician would put on the freezing cold gel. she would apologise that it was so cold, but i was laughing uncontrollably, because i loved it. the cold gel on my legs, someone putting their cold hands on my shoulders to warm them up and even turning the pillow over at night to keep it cold is heaven to me, but hell to so many other people. sh would almost certainly be the same - hell to most of us, but other crave it

I hear you, but it still seems contradictory. If a person has no trouble with pain and self harm, why is death the line they won't cross? Dying is literally just a few minutes of pain which they can clearly endure and then nothing. OP even said he's doing everything to put himself in danger without directly pulling the trigger. If the fear isn't the pain, and they're already toeing the line, why not just do it? Actual death seems like a much bigger relief than living with the urge to keep cutting

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I hear you, but it still seems contradictory. If a person has no trouble with pain and self harm, why is death the line they won't cross? Dying is literally just a few minutes of pain which they can clearly endure and then nothing. OP even said he's doing everything to put himself in danger without directly pulling the trigger. If the fear isn't the pain, and they're already toeing the line, why not just do it? Actual death seems like a much bigger relief than living with the urge to keep cutting

A few minutes of pain isn't that scary in my experience. It's the thought i will be dead soon and the panic i feel. It has nothing to do with pain, it's just death for me. I tried to ctb I almost successfully did it, but it was one of the worst feelings I felt mentally/physically.

Like i tried to ctb a few times and every single time especially the first was really really scary. The first time I called for help i couldn't take it. I do want to ctb real bad and have it work, but for some reason when I'm facing eternal nothingness I feel terrified. I can put myself in danger too, but unless I truly think I will die immediately i don't feel very scared

Ime

 

[thefirstluminary]

A few minutes of pain isn't that scary in my experience. It's the thought i will be dead soon and the panic i feel. It has nothing to do with pain, it's just death for me. I tried to ctb I almost successfully did it, but it was one of the worst feelings I felt mentally/physically.

Like i tried to ctb a few times and every single time especially the first was really really scary. The first time I called for help i couldn't take it. I do want to ctb real bad and have it work, but for some reason when I'm facing eternal nothingness I feel terrified. I can put myself in danger too, but unless I truly think I will die immediately i don't feel very scared

Ime

I still don't get it. Maybe you don't really want to die and there's still some hope in you somewhere? I'm confused honestly. I read once that the majority of people who attempt suicide never do it again because of how scary it was, so maybe there's some scientific reason for that fear. I've never been scared of death myself, but I've never attempted to ctb so I guess I can't really talk. I think I'd want to ctb though, if I got the means to do so

as the saying goes
"better the devil you know"

i have never, nor ever thought about sh, but as an example that may be relevant, i always wanted to get a tattoo just to see what it feels like - however, i had a fear that the tattoos themselves might not have been addictive, but the act of getting one might and i would be covered in them, which i do not want. while thankfully, i do not understand self harm myself, i do think i understand the part where pain can become addictive, either because it feels weirdly good to us, or the relief when the painful activity stops, or even because it allows the person to actually feel something . . . everyone of us has a different pain scale, just like with the rest of our senses. what looks good to some, looks horrible to others and as silly as this can sound, what some consider pain can be like heaven to others. i used to love getting my legs waxed. the beautician like it too, because with longer hairs that a guy can get away with, it was much easier for her. just throw the wax on and tear off. to me it tickled, yet a guy i used to work with was a boxer. he actually was professional for at least 2 fights that i know of, and he was happy to get smacked in the face and body by someone, but claimed that waxing was too painful for him. he couldn't understand how i thought it was great. also, when i got my legs lasered, the beautician would put on the freezing cold gel. she would apologise that it was so cold, but i was laughing uncontrollably, because i loved it. the cold gel on my legs, someone putting their cold hands on my shoulders to warm them up and even turning the pillow over at night to keep it cold is heaven to me, but hell to so many other people. sh would almost certainly be the same - hell to most of us, but other crave it

I get what you're saying about pain being addictive, but here's what I don't get if the pain feels good and the relief after feels good, why not just ctb? You get that temporary pain and then it's done. No cycle, no regret, no self hatred. It honestly sounds more appealing than staying stuck in that loop. I know that's probably a messed up way to think about it, and like you said, maybe it comes down to 'better the devil you know.' Maybe the fear of the unknown is stronger than the cycle

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I still don't get it. Maybe you don't really want to die and there's still some hope in you somewhere? I'm confused honestly. I read once that the majority of people who attempt suicide never do it again because of how scary it was, so maybe there's some scientific reason for that fear. I've never been scared of death myself, but I've never attempted to ctb so I guess I can't really talk. I think I'd want to ctb though, if I got the means to do so

I get what you're saying about pain being addictive, but here's what I don't get if the pain feels good and the relief after feels good, why not just ctb? You get that temporary pain and then it's done. No cycle, no regret, no self hatred. It honestly sounds more appealing than staying stuck in that loop. I know that's probably a messed up way to think about it, and like you said, maybe it comes down to 'better the devil you know.' Maybe the fear of the unknown is stronger than the cycle

I don't really have hope. Another big fear is living through trying to ctb. Could end up even worse. I got really lucky. It's just an instinctual thing to be scared of being gone forever most people have. Some people definitely don't ever try again once they feel the fear. It's hard to imagine how bad it is without being in the situation.

 

[thefirstluminary]

instinctual thing to be scared of being gone forever

But it feels so thrilling and romantic...

Some people definitely don't ever try again once they feel the fear. It's hard to imagine how bad it is without being in the situation.

I guess so yeah. I always thought ctb'ing gonna give you a good feeling and not fear. Does fear even come when dying is not intentional

 

[Kanau_Nano]

But it feels so thrilling and romantic...

I guess so yeah. I always thought ctb'ing gonna give you a good feeling and not fear. Does fear even come when dying is not intentional

It can be easy to romanticize or become numb to if you read a lot or watch stuff about it. I get it.

I did feel relief and at peace when I was sure i was gonna be gone soon. The fear highly outweighed it tho. I thought i was gonna get killed once and yeah i felt fear. Mostly anger tho

I forgot to reply to you i hope I fixed it, but it looks funny

 

[thefirstluminary]

It can be easy to romanticize or become numb to if you read a lot or watch stuff about it. I get it.

I did feel relief and at peace when I was sure i was gonna be gone soon. The fear highly outweighed it tho. I thought i was gonna get killed once and yeah i felt fear. Mostly anger tho

I forgot to reply to you i hope I fixed it, but it looks funny

I hope your next attempt goes well then with no pain or fear

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I hope your next attempt goes well then with no pain or fear

Thx! Btw i like your pfp. She was my favorite character. That's a good show.

 

[thefirstluminary]

Thx! Btw i like your pfp. She was my favorite character. That's a good show.

Of course reki is gonna be your favorite character silly. I'm very happy that I got to watch this anime, reki is literally me
She is probably just like you too she is all of us in this forum

 

[Kanau_Nano]

Of course reki is gonna be your favorite character silly. I'm very happy that I got to watch this anime, reki is literally me
She is probably just like you too she is all of us in this forum
View attachment 201095

She is very relatable for sure. That pic even looks like me when I'm smoking outside lol just add 4 more cats

 

[thefirstluminary]

That pic even looks like me when I'm smoking outside

That sounds so comfy only difference between me and reki is that I don't smoke hehe