Venting Trapped in the planning stage

[snoopyfan22]

It's that time of year again. Facing what I know will be difficult period. Things were looking up for me for most of 2026 but I've fallen back into depression. But everytime I get like this, where all I can think of is suicide, I get scared when it comes time to plan. Every plan seems too risky or too hard. I start to get freaked out by imagining the actual experience of dying. TLDR once it gets to the planning stage I get too scared and I feel trapped between my suicidality and my cowardice. Wish I could just hire someone to shoot me (but even the thought of that frightens me). I want to get out. I can't live in this middle space forever, I want to swing firmly to once side and stay there.

 

[fadedghost]

It's that time of year again. Facing what I know will be difficult period. Things were looking up for me for most of 2026 but I've fallen back into depression. But everytime I get like this, where all I can think of is suicide, I get scared when it comes time to plan. Every plan seems too risky or too hard. I start to get freaked out by imagining the actual experience of dying. TLDR once it gets to the planning stage I get too scared and I feel trapped between my suicidality and my cowardice. Wish I could just hire someone to shoot me (but even the thought of that frightens me). I want to get out. I can't live in this middle space forever, I want to swing firmly to once side and stay there.

i think a lot of people feel like this.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

You would be surprised at how long you can live in the 'middle space'. I have suffered on and off from major depression since I was 18. I am now 57 and in the longest and most severe depressive episode of my life.
Ive been researching how to CBT for almost 40 years!! SI is a brutal mother fucker. It is more common to want to die and not be able to do it than to actually go through with it. It's another one of nature's cruelties.

 

[Ben 111]

You would be surprised at how long you can live in the 'middle space'. I have suffered on and off from major depression since I was 18. I am now 57 and in the longest and most severe depressive episode of my life.
Ive been researching how to CBT for almost 40 years!! SI is a brutal mother fucker. It is more common to want to die and not be able to do it than to actually go through with it. It's another one of nature's cruelties.

So in general it doesn't get any better if anything it's gets even worse

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

So in general it doesn't get any better if anything it's gets even worse

I guess it depends on how bad your depression is and how often you relapse.I have periods of years that were good when medications worked.

 

[Ben 111]

This life really is SCARY....why do ppl give birth in the first place