Transgender Support Megathread

[BipolarExpress]

I keep going back and forth about wanting to CTB. On the one hand, as @fearofthedark said, I don't want to become yet another statistic who killed themself because of anti-trans oppression in the US and abroad, but on the other hand, I don't want to live through this either.

 

[25jiyuki]

The only time I've felt happy, comfortable and proud of myself is when I put the effort to present feminine.

But after this depressive episode I'm in started, I haven't bothered to do that at all. Only once this year.. it doesn't help when I'm contemplating suicide and look at the mirror, just to see a stranger.

I love fashion, I'm very passionate about dressing cute, but it feels like there's no point when I'm probably headed for death..

 

[iamjustapebble]

i had top surgery and it messed up my chest. it looks bad, it hurts, i get dysesthesia. not only that but everybody hates me, every single person ive befriended grw to hate me.

 

[ecolofienjoyer]

The biggest pain I have is dreams. Often I'll dream of being cis. It hurts so much. Once I dreamt I was pregnant and gave birth. Waking up traumatized me. My mom wasn't calling me her daughter anymore. My daughter never existed. I can't ever give birth. On Wednessday I dreamt about my grandmother, one of the few accepting ppl that was still in my life. She was cudling my dog. I wanted to go visit her after but couldn't. She passed away about a month ago. Last night I dreamt about her again. She was in bed and she said I could come visit her whenever I wanted. I'm not religious but damn do I wish heaven was real. She would be so deserving of it. I wanna ctb so bad. I think I will next Friday. Tbh I didn't even notice it was new year. Just been lying in bed phasing in and out of sleep or distracting myself with EU3 or yt. I dystroyed all my friendships and my family for the most part is transphobic. I'm just tired. I dont think I even care to transition. To me personally it would just feel fake. I dont make the hormones so i have to take them to immitate the effects of a womens body. I had to have x surgery to look like a womens body etc. (Please dont misunderstand this as me dissing anyone who takes or provides these procedures, Im very happy if someone feels better as a consequence of these things and im glad they exist. Im just describing what my thoughts are on my body and experience). im also tired of the talking point: "you have it lucky bc you dont get period pains" thing cis women say. If they really didn't want their uterus they could remove it. I could never get one. They got the choice. I never did. I have to do a thousand surgeries to look like a woman. They just are one. Im just tired. Thanks for letting me vent/rant.
This has been my ted talk

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

If they really didn't want their uterus they could remove it.

Slight nitpick from a trans man. It is extremely hard to get a hysterectomy in most places. For cis women and non-woman AFABs alike.

But I totally understand how someone saying "well at least you don't have periods" would be invalidating as fuck. You're already suffering enough as a trans woman, do they really think periods would put you off of being a woman? If anything, you'd probably at least have the gender euphoria to accompany the cramps, and that would be a silver lining.

 

[ecolofienjoyer]

Slight nitpick from a trans man. It is extremely hard to get a hysterectomy in most places. For cis women and non-woman AFABs alike.

But I totally understand how someone saying "well at least you don't have periods" would be invalidating as fuck. You're already suffering enough as a trans woman, do they really think periods would put you off of being a woman? If anything, you'd probably at least have the gender euphoria to accompany the cramps, and that would be a silver lining.

Sorry for my oversimplification, I didn't mean to imply trans men or AFAB enbies have it any easier. Thank you for the kind words <3 The worst part was they were trying to be supportive. They were more trying to say well at least you're not cis. That just angered me a lil.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Sorry for my oversimplification, I didn't mean to imply trans men or AFAB enbies have it any easier. Thank you for the kind words <3 The worst part was they were trying to be supportive. They were more trying to say well at least you're not cis. That just angered me a lil.

I get it. I think some cis people are truly blind to the suffering trans people go through. They think "oh, this trans woman presents as a woman but doesn't have a period, best of both worlds!"

Ironically it's a result of the rampant medical neglect AFABs get for severe period pains and bleeding. I honestly think that reality has jaded many cis women and caused them to think that having no period must be a net positive—so they ignore all of the other stuff that comes along with being transfem.

 

[ecolofienjoyer]

I get it. I think some cis people are truly blind to the suffering trans people go through. They think "oh, this trans woman presents as a woman but doesn't have a period, best of both worlds!"

Ironically it's a result of the rampant medical neglect AFABs get for severe period pains and bleeding. I honestly think that reality has jaded many cis women and caused them to think that having no period must be a net positive—so they ignore all of the other stuff that comes along with being transfem.

Yeah that makes sence. It does still suck tho

 

[Jisatsu]

My family will never accept Mr for who I am , the system is overly complicated where I live to be able to legally change my name or anything like that. The trans community in my area has mainly pushed me away because of my mental illnesses.... I feel so isolated ... and I hate it

 

[ReimuIsTransAndSad]

Hello, my name is Reimu.

I've written three suicide notes so far, zero attempts made so far. I'm confident that's going to change soon, unfortunately--but in every suicide note I write, "It's not because I'm trans." "Being trans is who I am." "Transitioning is the best decision I've ever made."

I dedicate my first forum post to defending that. I am proud of being trans. I was born trans; I am a woman. Society doesn't see me as one, but I will see myself as one to the grave and beyond. Being in my community, attending Pride, and meeting other trans people makes me feel not as alone. When I experience trans joy the dissociative fog I live in is lifted and I feel alive for a short, brief time. Then I--sadly--plunge back into that despair a day later.

I am not a guy. Let me be clear... I am NOT a guy. I have never been a guy. I will never BE a guy. I hate my male voice, I despise my male parts. I am terrified of my attempt going wrong because I don't want my father to make medical decisions for me. I don't want to work up 20 years later in a male's body because of falling into a coma. I am a woman. I don't want the abusive nurses to take away my hormones or refuse to give them to me and fill me with meds that will never work for me:

"Forcibly hospitalized trans people report a lack of access to gender-affirming care, medication, and resources. Denying trans-affirming healthcare to trans patients often leads to psychological harm, including suicidality."

"A history of involuntary psychiatric hospitalization can be used to deny trans people the ability to give informed consent for trans-affirming surgery or hormones in the future."

If society was more accepting and educated about me, maybe I would still be alive in a year or two. Of course, I can write "society" like I'm Ted Kaczynski all I want, but that's not the only reason I'm going to try and CTB this year. Seriously, though, one hospital I went to the male nurse said within earshot, "So anybody can identify as a woman now, huh?" You can only imagine how that made me feel. "He. He. Sir. Sir. Young man." Someone shoot me. I've seriously thought about doing a DIY orchiectomy these past few years.

God, I get it. IWNBAW. The sad thing is I have a lot more in common with the people that hate me than I'd like to admit. I'm an awful person. I've hurt a lot of people. I'm just as capable of being a bigot as they are. That realization I made recently eats me alive. I cannot live with my past actions. Don't idolize me because I'm trans... maybe just... how about we all treat me like a person? Do I really need a gay man at the hospital (nice guy but I felt tokenized) to comfort me because a bunch of cis people are incapable of empathizing with me? I can't blame them. It's so hypocritical. I've failed to empathize with countless people.

The issue isn't that I'm not on antidepressants. The issue is that I live in a society where modern technology has kept me socially isolated and away from others. I seriously struggle with human connection. I am lonely. I have been lonely for a long time. The few trusted relationships I did have I've fucked over the other person or the other person fucked over me. I feel guilty for all the homeless people I've purposefully looked down upon on the street knowing damn well I am just as capable as ending up in that situation as any of them. How can I claim to detest modern society's lack of humanity, compassion, support, connection, and forgiveness when I am just as capable as withholding it from others as the cis white guy from the Texas suburbs that draws me looking like a troonjak after I die?

I can't keep up in society anymore. I can no longer function. Everything overwhelms me in this day and age--even simple tasks. Getting out of bed has become a challenge in the morning. The deepest, most vile, scariest parts of myself came out several times in public these last few months. Everyone knows who I really am deep down. I hate that. I'm going to end up as that one offensive caricature of a trans woman dangling from a rope this year (you know the one). I will never forgive myself. I don't deserve it. Which is ironic because I pray for the day that others can forgive me for all the horrible shit that I've done. I pray for others to forgive me for when I inevitably CTB. I'm trans; but even so, that doesn't prevent me from being a selfish, pitiful asshole.

Anyways, nice to meet you all.

P.S - Need to add that my bloodwork shows my levels consistently in cis female range so that's a non-issue too.

 

[seeking__peace]

I'm tired.
I'm scared to come-out. I'm unsure of myself. I'm doubting myself because my dysphoria isn't as intense as for others. I badly want transition though. I think about HRT almost everyday. My dysphoria was stronger, like, few weeks ago. Or months, I don't remember. I think it got a little weaker because I got the right meds for my mental health and everything in general became a bit easier, including the stress and misery from dysphoria.

It's not gone though.
It's still present making it difficult to go outside, change clothes, shower, keep relationships. Or hitting hard when I speak up. And generally I don't want to feel the body. I like to do tasks on my comp so immersive I stop feeling I'm in a physical realm.

I can't imagine myself transitioning, cuz of my family. It was so difficult to talk or mention it to anyone. I can't imagine coming-out. Nor explaining my dysphoria to the family, explaining why I want hormones. I once felt unreal talking in desired pronouns.
Speaking in desired pronouns feels very natural for me, but only when I'm safe in the comfort of my own room. When someone's watching I'm putting a mask. It feels unreal to reveal my actual self.

I'm certain and then doubts hit. I'm thinking what if I'd regret HRT. I'm actually just lost, dishonest towards myself. Making thinks up just so I'd fit in the picture of being trans. Then I stop mulling it over, I feel dysphoria and the cycle repeats.

I'm just tired.

 

[DecayAndAsh]

I'm certain and then doubts hit. I'm thinking what if I'd regret HRT. I'm actually just lost, dishonest towards myself. Making thinks up just so I'd fit in the picture of being trans. Then I stop mulling it over, I feel dysphoria and the cycle repeats.

I had the same feelings when I started. I was so uncertain that my dad managed to push me back into my egg briefly after I came out. Starting HRT is obviously scary when there are doubts in your mind. You sound pretty confident you'd at least like to try and imo that's really all you need. Eventually I decided despite my uncertainty to take a leap of faith. I'm now almost 6 years on HRT and I can confidently say it was the right decision for me. I know family can be weird about this stuff, so whatever you decide just keep yourself physically and emotionally safe.

Bottom line: do what feels right for you, take however much time you need, stay safe

 

[Captain laser]

at times i like to ponder what my life wouldve been like if i was just born a boy instead of having to go through all this change, i wouldve probably gotten bullied worse for my quietness, maybe gotten an earlier autism diagnosis, but at least i wouldnt have grown men staring at me at the age of eleven

 

[seeking__peace]

I had the same feelings when I started. I was so uncertain that my dad managed to push me back into my egg briefly after I came out. Starting HRT is obviously scary when there are doubts in your mind. You sound pretty confident you'd at least like to try and imo that's really all you need. Eventually I decided despite my uncertainty to take a leap of faith. I'm now almost 6 years on HRT and I can confidently say it was the right decision for me. I know family can be weird about this stuff, so whatever you decide just keep yourself physically and emotionally safe.

Bottom line: do what feels right for you, take however much time you need, stay safe

Thanks. Honestly, I've just woken up with a feeling I'm simply going to just do it. Maybe I'll regret, so be it. It's better to just go for it than to be stuck forever, wondering whether it's a good idea or not.

 

[sleeplessboyinbed]

Venting
I feel so miserable because i can't experience being a teen boy . It's so painful thinking that i lost this time because of such a stupid thing. Such a cruel thing.. I'll never get to experience being a man either. I was never meant to live. Just survive i think. I want to live a happy life but it's not my destiny. I don't know what i did to deserve this. I'm so pathetic :⁠-⁠!. Yeah i just want to experience school as a boy. But my "train" already left and all i can do is daydream of life that i was denied