Took a blast of feels right into the heart

[Nirrend]

Good evening everyone,

I just wanted to share things here because, I don't know..., Nobody talks to me and I talk to nobody in return, so things accumulate inside me.

Just feeling desperate. You know, this feel when you are in the dark, Holding your chin, hurt deep inside.

I'm totally abandoned, everybody around me returned to work, except me.

The friends that used to spend time with me forgot that I exist.

I feel like I'm the only one who love the others. The tiniest details, feedback, that I got from my entourage are always things meaning that "Okay, you did cool things, but it could be better". I've never got real heartwarming compliments.

I just want to be hugged, to be loved by people who could consider me as a friend and for what am I. I just want to join my dead relatives.

Absorbing and being the receptacle of other people's discomfort while I'm not taken seriously destroys me.
I feel like a ghost.

Honestly, I see no other future than death because, even if I could get what I want, I know that will never be enough. I'll never feel loved even if I am.
BPD fucked my life.

I was smoking earlier, and I got that "Blast" I mentioned on the title. I was upset, feeling that I could cry without the tears.

I fucking want to die.

I know, that may sound ridiculous to write it here while I do it every time I write in my "Death Diary", but I don't know why, I fucking want to do it and scream it somwhere.

This blast of feels made me want to hurt myself, to drink until I die.

I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm writing this thread, just sick and tired maybe.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand the feeling of being tired of everything. It really is such a sad existence and it sounds like you are suffering a lot. None of us here should ever have to endure such misery. I wish you relief.

 

[anxiety cat]

You don't need to say sorry about feeling and wanting to express it. I am so sorry you hurting so much. You don't deserve this pain.

 

[LowLevelChimp]

Thanks for sharing how you feel, I can relate to that blast of emotion that just overwhelms and almost takes your breath away. You never have to apologise for how you feel, let it out in here.

Having that awful feeling that things are just falling apart can push us hard, sometimes it helps to have a rant or just write it all down, mental illness is just exhausting and I wish we could all just have some relief.

I'm sorry that BPD has hit you hard and I hope that letting some of it out on here can help.

 

[theboy]

I have felt what you mention. Don't feel bad about expressing yourself through your "Death Diary"

 

[Nirrend]

Thank to everyone for your kind messages <3
Yesterday I was totally upset, don't know why