Venting Too mentally ill to even ctb

[PotSmokingSloth]

I'm too depressed to go through all the planning and setting things up. Too fearful to ever go through with it. This is more tragic than it would be to actually ctb imo. I'm so fucking tired. I hope I get some terminal illness. Would be the best thing for me. I've believed my life wasn't worth it for last decade. Seen so many psychiatrists and therapists. Tried everything. Nothing they can do. Life is just constant suffering. Fuck this shit

 

[CTB Dream]

Feel same not able ctb everything hard ctb complicate need more plan physic wirk not able do. Not able live die really tiring ,wish ctb easy method this torture

 

[Anonymus]

I'm totally blown away, even giving the CTB a whirl... I think I'm wrong about everything and nothing at the same time, it's a very strange feeling.
I'm waiting for something, I don't know, because miracles don't exist and I don't think I can do much more.

I've spent too much energy regretting myself all these years...I feel so old.
I've been too stupid.. hopefully realizing this will allow me to take things in a much more relaxed way despite the continued suffering I still have to endure due to my lows.

I hope that now that I have almost nothing left I can enjoy life without further impediments... but you know, tomorrow they give me vitamins and a whole load of anxiety and discomfort begins again on me. I have a brain designed to suffer, I will have to redo the neural connections so that it is dedicated to something else more profitable than observing the misfortune of others and making it my own continuously.
And if it is not possible?.. there must be some solution to disturb a fair balance between all of it, it cannot always be the greater part of life suffering.

//

Jo estic rebentadíssim, fins i tot de donar-li voltes al CTB... crec que m'estic equivocant en tot i en rés alhora, és una sensació molt estranya.
Estic a l'espera de ben bé no se qué, perquè els miracles no existeixen i jo per part meva em sembla que no puc fer gaire cosa més.

He gastat massa energía en lamentar-me tots aquests anys... em sento molt vell.
He sigut massa estúpid.. espero que adonar-me'n d'això em permeti prendre'm les coses d'una manera molt més relaxada tot i el continu patiment que encara he d'aguantar per causa de les meves bajanades.

Espero que ara que gairebé no em queda res pugui gaudir de la vida sense mes impediments... però ves a saber, igual demà em donen vitamines i comença de nou tota una descàrrega d'ansietat i malestar sobre meu. Tinc el cervell dissenyat per patir, hauré de refer les connexions neuronals perqué es dediqui a una altra cosa mes profitosa que observar la desgràcia dels demés i fer-la meva de manera continuada.
I si no es possible?.. alguna sol·lució hi ha d'haver per torbar un equilibri just entre tot plegat, no pot ser sempre la major part de la vida patiment.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling tired of everything. I wish that dying is as easy as just wishing to be gone, it would be really ideal to just peacefully pass away and be free from all this. I agree that life is just constant suffering, such a thing as peace could never exist in a life as cruel as this.

 

[MindFog]

Yeah, it's almost ironic if you think about it. You have to muster the motivation and courage to CTB when you're already SO done with everything. Apathy just doesn't fit that well to that.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for something to push me over the edge. And only get disappointed when I realize I have more tolerance for emotional pain than to actually end it.

Maybe not everyone, but I think some of us gets comfortable to the cycle of suffering only because it's familiar. Even if you want to ctb. I'm starting to think I'm one of those people. It scares me.

God I just wish all of us peace.

 

[freedompass]

I feel ya @sleepyslothman and @MindFog. I've been 'in the system' (ie around mental health services) for several decades and know many people whose lives are worse than mine at least on the surface. Granted we can't know what goes on inside a person. Yet they don't ctb. They don't even talk about wanting to. Honestly it seems there are no limits as to how shit things can get and humans will still 'choose life' because as you say MindFog it is what we know and there is a weird comfort in the familiar.