Venting Today's the 4th of july & I'm lonely

[prettyclam]

While everyone is at the pool, grilling hot dogs, or setting up fireworks, I'm stuck in my bedroom. I hate holidays so much. I wish I were in a normal family who celebrates these kind of things. A real family. A family who cares about one another, not because they're obligated by blood, but because they truly love each other.

I'm incredibly lonely. My boss gave me the entire week off to celebrate. Little does she know that I don't do 4th of July, or Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or whatever holidays there are. I have no family to congregate with. As for friends, I can't randomly invite myself to their cookouts either. Today's a family holiday after all. And if I were allowed to join, who would want a depressed, suicidal, weirdo like me around? I'm a walking embarrassment. That's probably why my girlfriend has never introduced me to her family. She's the only person I could potentially celebrate with, but even that would be a bad idea. It's like yelling out to the world-

"I'm a loser who has no family. I must resort to showing up at other peoples parties out of loneliness".

She already knows I'm a depressed loser freak so I'll refrain from bothering her further.

Something tells me it'll be this way forever. People don't magically gain close friends (like, close enough to where you can join them for holidays) or family members. You're stuck with your biological family for life. It's kind of like a reverse lottery. 99% of people have family, but that 1%? Yeah they're born into the coldest, most unloving environment there is.

The best part is that when you tell others you have no family, they'll pretend to sympathize. However deep down I know they're judging me for a choice I never made. Everyone wants a mom or dad or sister or brother. Everyone wants to be loved by them. Meanwhile I have an unhelpful mom, an abusive dad, a sister who's pretty much a stranger, no brother, and an extended family that hates me. And they hate me because I'm different, because I'm shy, because I only speak out to tell them about the abuse occuring in my home. But of course they don't believe me. I'm an attention seeker in their eyes. That's exactly what they thought when they found out I went inpatient for attempting suicide, and what my mom thought when she saw my cuts.

To summarize, I have no REAL family. Families care about you, protect you, support you. What I have can't be a family.

Talking about my friends will open up another can of worms, so I'll stop there. Sorry the ranting/venting I'm just really lonely and bored on this day where I'm supposed to be surrounded by loved ones. Loved ones I don't and will never have. Time to go eat cheetos or something

 

[Sweet Tart]

I'm sorry your family is abusive & lacks empathy. Fuck those assholes for not giving you the kindness you deserve and then judging you for how their shitty behavior affected you.

 

[wham311]

I'm with ya.

 

[enjoytheride]

So sorry that you are going through this. :( I've little true friends and little family that truly cares. So I can imagine how you feel.

My humble advice would be to go out and do something you like. Sometimes what I do is go and watch a film at the cinema, have a nice fish burger and chips before that. Treat myself, yes. Doesn't matter if others care...

You have dignity and inherent value. You acknowledge it without waiting for others to acknowledge it first.

Best wishes and kind regards

 

[tormentedhusk]

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I kind of used to feel what you described, and it used to hurt a lot. I gradually stopped caring. Celebrating is overrated, seriously. Now, I'm content to stay in my house and do boring things alone, I prefer that, and just wait till it's over. But I'm sorry you're feeling bad. You are not alone, there are many others who feel similarly awkward and out of place during holidays. We're all supposed to think that "everyone" is "having fun" but really it's kind of shallow and a lot of people are sitting at home.

 

[Esc9434]

OP, I'm sorry about your situation.

If I recall, you are 19-21, have you tried to make friends with SAFE people who are 30 or older? Like co-workers, neighbors, and etc.?

I think older friends will probably be more empathic towards you and your problems than people around your age. They would probably look after you like a parental figure or older sibling.

You can meet older people at church, volunteering events, county/city-sponsored events, meetup.com, and on Nextdoor app. Heck, you can meet some great friends at any age here on SS.

Whether online or offline, be careful.

I would like to hear more about your father. He sounds like a piece of work.

Also, is your sister older or younger than you? Has she experienced the same thing as you? If so, how has she coped? Maybe you can bond over that?

 

[Catch-22]

I hate the holidays I cannot wait for it to be over.. sorry you feel this way too

 

[Dejected 55]

I never have anyone either, but most holidays are fine, especially if I avoid people. Christmas and Thanksgiving are the worst, though, because those are specifically drilled into our heads as being for family... so it hurts a little more to have none. Granted, Thanksgiving is all but ignored in today's society and Christmas is over-commercialized and phony for most people... but still... it's a harsh reminder at the end of another miserable year of how alone you can be. Fortunately, I don't intend to be around for any more of that.

 

[fenty]

Heard - I spent my 18th birthday by myself except from going to the bank and i felt soo pathetic

 

[prettyclam]

So sorry that you are going through this. :( I've little true friends and little family that truly cares. So I can imagine how you feel.

My humble advice would be to go out and do something you like. Sometimes what I do is go and watch a film at the cinema, have a nice fish burger and chips before that. Treat myself, yes. Doesn't matter if others care...

You have dignity and inherent value. You acknowledge it without waiting for others to acknowledge it first.

Best wishes and kind regards

Thank you for being so kind ^^ I've been treating myself like you said by watching A24 movies all day. It's not the same as watching fireworks with loved ones but it helps the depression a little

 

[claracatchingthebus]

While everyone is at the pool, grilling hot dogs, or setting up fireworks, I'm stuck in my bedroom. I hate holidays so much. I wish I were in a normal family who celebrates these kind of things. A real family. A family who cares about one another, not because they're obligated by blood, but because they truly love each other.

I'm incredibly lonely. My boss gave me the entire week off to celebrate. Little does she know that I don't do 4th of July, or Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or whatever holidays there are. I have no family to congregate with. As for friends, I can't randomly invite myself to their cookouts either. Today's a family holiday after all. And if I were allowed to join, who would want a depressed, suicidal, weirdo like me around? I'm a walking embarrassment. That's probably why my girlfriend has never introduced me to her family. She's the only person I could potentially celebrate with, but even that would be a bad idea. It's like yelling out to the world-

"I'm a loser who has no family. I must resort to showing up at other peoples parties out of loneliness".

She already knows I'm a depressed loser freak so I'll refrain from bothering her further.

Something tells me it'll be this way forever. People don't magically gain close friends (like, close enough to where you can join them for holidays) or family members. You're stuck with your biological family for life. It's kind of like a reverse lottery. 99% of people have family, but that 1%? Yeah they're born into the coldest, most unloving environment there is.

The best part is that when you tell others you have no family, they'll pretend to sympathize. However deep down I know they're judging me for a choice I never made. Everyone wants a mom or dad or sister or brother. Everyone wants to be loved by them. Meanwhile I have an unhelpful mom, an abusive dad, a sister who's pretty much a stranger, no brother, and an extended family that hates me. And they hate me because I'm different, because I'm shy, because I only speak out to tell them about the abuse occuring in my home. But of course they don't believe me. I'm an attention seeker in their eyes. That's exactly what they thought when they found out I went inpatient for attempting suicide, and what my mom thought when she saw my cuts.

To summarize, I have no REAL family. Families care about you, protect you, support you. What I have can't be a family.

Talking about my friends will open up another can of worms, so I'll stop there. Sorry the ranting/venting I'm just really lonely and bored on this day where I'm supposed to be surrounded by loved ones. Loved ones I don't and will never have. Time to go eat cheetos or something

i hate holidays like this too. i could go out to a bar, or just try to talk to people, go to meetup.com, get wasted, or go to a sobriety meeting... but really, i just don't want to do anything, and have to pretend to be happy... but there's still this "missing out" feeling and sense of sadness i get by staying in.

but if i went out, i'm not sure i'd feel better at all!

 

[prettyclam]

OP, I'm sorry about your situation.

If I recall, you are 19-21, have you tried to make friends with SAFE people who are 30 or older? Like co-workers, neighbors, and etc.?

Yeah a majority of my friends are around 20-25. They look after me by inviting me to hangouts, but I didn't get any invites today since they got their own families to be with. You're right though about them being parental towards me. That's a positive I guess

I would like to hear more about your father. He sounds like a piece of work.

I could go on forever lol but long story short, he physically abused me as a child. He's primarily emotionally abusive now but it's still horrible like I can't exist around him without getting judged. Being in the same room as him makes me suicidal so living with him is torture. He's financially controlling too and put me into debt after forcing me into a mental hospital. Then he goes around acting like he's the victim. He really is a piece of work.

Also, is your sister older or younger than you? Has she experienced the same thing as you? If so, how has she coped? Maybe you can bond over that?

My sister is older & has experienced the same abuse. Idk how she copes but I feel like it has to do with her disability. That sounds messed up but idk how else to word it. She's more kind, naive, and forgiving than the average person. She thinks everyones good, even my dad to an extent, so I don't think the abuse gets to her as much as it does to me. Plus he's nicer to her in general. Maybe she can teach me how to forgive an abuser

Heard - I spent my 18th birthday by myself except from going to the bank and i felt soo pathetic

Nooo not the birthday sorry you had to spend it alone. It sucks having nobody but yourself