Today i had to cheer up my psychologist

[noname223]

First of all i like my current psychologist but i think i am an unsolvable case. I told him about my working disaster. I looked at him and saw his sadness and desperation about my situation. I probably cannot work and poverty will kill me. I felt pretty bad because he felt sad due to me.This is the reason why I told him I might can work another job in another branch. (It is pretty pretty unlikely but not totally impossible). Furthermore I feared that he gives up on me like my other 2 therapists because I am treatment resistant.
Tbh the therapy always helps me only temporarily (barely longterm). I suffer daily immense amount of pressure, anxiety and depression and having a professional to talk to is helpful. In reality I know no therapy in the world can save me. No therapy can make me able to work. I only go to a new psychologist because i was honest to my dad and told him about my severe suicidality.
I am doing a balancing act in therapy. On the one hand I tell my psychologist about my fears, anger, desperation etc. but on the other hand I don't really tell him that the situation is not solvable. I think if I do the second part he will give me up. This happened with my second psychologist after I told her my life ends in poverty/ suicide I got fired from my job. And then she did not want to meet me again.

 

[WornOutLife]

Well, I'm really proud of you because you're at least trying to move on in spite of the fact that things might not work.
Good job!!!

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Better that they give up, means that there are some remnants of reality testing that isn't completely impaired on their part.

 

[noname223]

Better that they give up, means that there are some remnants of reality testing that isn't completely impaired on their part.

Then they stop talking to me, ghost me or shit like that. I would rather want to talk openly about my suicidality without being judged, given up or shit like that. Suicide as one rational choice i can make but they don't see that as a possible outcome at all.
Then they need to distance themselves from me.
I know i am quite ambivalent.

 

[JustLosingMyself]

Dunno...
When one says "it'll never help" it's guaranteed not to.
When one says "it may help" it just might but no guarantees. It take time and willingness to accept that.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's why I don't like the sound of therapy, therapists are meant to help you yet if you are honest and say you are suicidal, then they distance themselves from you. I know they can't do anything really but they could at least listen. I think that people should be able to talk about suicide openly but I guess not in this world.

 

[noname223]

Dunno...
When one says "it'll never help" it's guaranteed not to.
When one says "it may help" it just might but no guarantees. It take time and willingness to accept that.

I've already tried so much. 2 times I went to university and became manic. 2 times i tried a traineeship and went severly depressed. If earning money is a condition for not ctb it is pretty hard if not impossible to fullfil.
I am also in a programm with a job coach and we both really tried our best but almost everything failed immensly. Except one thing i was teaching students for 3 hours a week. But this is way not enough money to live.
In addition to that due to my job failures 2 psychologists already have given up on me. Nobody can pretend i did not try.

 

[JustLosingMyself]

I've already tried so much. 2 times I went to university and became manic. 2 times i tried a traineeship and went severly depressed. If earning money is a condition for not ctb it is pretty hard if not impossible to fullfil.
I am also in a programm with a job coach and we both really tried our best but almost everything failed immensly. Except one thing i was teaching students for 3 hours a week. But this is way not enough money to live.
In addition to that due to my job failures 2 psychologists already have given up on me. Nobody can pretend i did not try.

It took me 8 years to crawl out of despair. Still a ways to go