Today something happened. A big fear of mine became true sort of.
My health insurance warned my psychiatrist that I get too many medication. I live in Germany. All of my medication are for free.
I am extremely anxious to lose access to my medication. But it is also true that I hoarded too many of my medication. I realized that half a year ago when the staff of the pharmacy acted weird. I don't give my medication to anyone. But I have some mediation that could get useless because I won't be able to use it in time. Today, I totally panicked what would happen if they forced me to pay this amount of money. This would be insane. This would cost half the amount of my savings. ChatGPT said it is very unlikely they would punish me. If something happened my psychiatrist would get into trouble. I really like her and I am dependent on her. But she was pretty chilled when she told me my health insurance gave her a warning. I already imagined myself to be in a court hearing. And rehearsed my response. I tend to catastrophize a lot. And it is true covid and the war in Ukraine disrupted supply chains. If China and the US would went to war there would be massive issues with the supply chains. And it scares the fuck out of me. I am very dependent on my medication. I get psychotic without it. I noticed severe (extreme) withdrawal symptoms when I forget to take them (or just decrease the dosage a little bit). It just frightens me the scenario of losing access to my medication. I am so privileged to have access to it. I think I went a little bit too far by hoarding this much. I am very scared they will make the calculations one day. Initially I thought my medication would hold 5 years. (I thought this was standard in my country I once read that). But my medication only holds 2 years at least one of them. I am not sure how many of the medication will be unuseable. Maybe not that much if I don't take more subscriptions.
I have autism, psychosis and bipolar maybe this would be a good excuse - he was so insane, traumatized, led by his extreme anxiety that this led to this actions. And it would have been the responsibility of my psychiatrist to stop me. There might even be some truth in it. Going to the pharmacy gave me a good feeling of security and it was sort of an autistic routine. And my anxiety is real. I am extremely anxious to get a fine. I would not forgive this myself. I mean I could also argue committing suicide would cost the society more than 1 million Euros according studies.
I am not sure how much this panic is exaggerated. Getting into trouble is really a big anxiety. I also went less frequent to the pharmacy because I noticed it gets out of control. I go less often since some months, maybe since half a year, and now my psychiatrist got the e-mail.
It sort of made me suicidal. It feels like all of my anxieties and fears become true one day. Maybe all of this catastrophizing. But there is an irony. I am in this predicament because of catastrophizing and this might make the catastrophe real. This would be a good argument that my psychiatrist had to stop me.
Rationally, I think it is kind of unlikely they will fine me. But such a warning was always such a fear of mine and then it happened. I wonder which fears of mine also will become true one day. I am such a wreck.
One thing to add. When the NYT published an article about this forum in 2021 I panicked in an extreme way. In a very insane way. I already imagined to see each other in a public court trial. I imagined how weird it would be to meet us this way. Also with international media coverage. Thus far nothing of that happened. And today I don't care anymore about new news articles.
Another thing to add. I am a nursing case because of my various mental illnesses. And I argued (in order to get it) that I need to help to make sound decisions in my daily life. I am reliant on others. I cannot make good decisions without others.
I could say this in my first speech during my court hearing. (This is at least a joke)
My health insurance warned my psychiatrist that I get too many medication. I live in Germany. All of my medication are for free.
I am extremely anxious to lose access to my medication. But it is also true that I hoarded too many of my medication. I realized that half a year ago when the staff of the pharmacy acted weird. I don't give my medication to anyone. But I have some mediation that could get useless because I won't be able to use it in time. Today, I totally panicked what would happen if they forced me to pay this amount of money. This would be insane. This would cost half the amount of my savings. ChatGPT said it is very unlikely they would punish me. If something happened my psychiatrist would get into trouble. I really like her and I am dependent on her. But she was pretty chilled when she told me my health insurance gave her a warning. I already imagined myself to be in a court hearing. And rehearsed my response. I tend to catastrophize a lot. And it is true covid and the war in Ukraine disrupted supply chains. If China and the US would went to war there would be massive issues with the supply chains. And it scares the fuck out of me. I am very dependent on my medication. I get psychotic without it. I noticed severe (extreme) withdrawal symptoms when I forget to take them (or just decrease the dosage a little bit). It just frightens me the scenario of losing access to my medication. I am so privileged to have access to it. I think I went a little bit too far by hoarding this much. I am very scared they will make the calculations one day. Initially I thought my medication would hold 5 years. (I thought this was standard in my country I once read that). But my medication only holds 2 years at least one of them. I am not sure how many of the medication will be unuseable. Maybe not that much if I don't take more subscriptions.
I have autism, psychosis and bipolar maybe this would be a good excuse - he was so insane, traumatized, led by his extreme anxiety that this led to this actions. And it would have been the responsibility of my psychiatrist to stop me. There might even be some truth in it. Going to the pharmacy gave me a good feeling of security and it was sort of an autistic routine. And my anxiety is real. I am extremely anxious to get a fine. I would not forgive this myself. I mean I could also argue committing suicide would cost the society more than 1 million Euros according studies.
I am not sure how much this panic is exaggerated. Getting into trouble is really a big anxiety. I also went less frequent to the pharmacy because I noticed it gets out of control. I go less often since some months, maybe since half a year, and now my psychiatrist got the e-mail.
It sort of made me suicidal. It feels like all of my anxieties and fears become true one day. Maybe all of this catastrophizing. But there is an irony. I am in this predicament because of catastrophizing and this might make the catastrophe real. This would be a good argument that my psychiatrist had to stop me.
Rationally, I think it is kind of unlikely they will fine me. But such a warning was always such a fear of mine and then it happened. I wonder which fears of mine also will become true one day. I am such a wreck.
One thing to add. When the NYT published an article about this forum in 2021 I panicked in an extreme way. In a very insane way. I already imagined to see each other in a public court trial. I imagined how weird it would be to meet us this way. Also with international media coverage. Thus far nothing of that happened. And today I don't care anymore about new news articles.
Another thing to add. I am a nursing case because of my various mental illnesses. And I argued (in order to get it) that I need to help to make sound decisions in my daily life. I am reliant on others. I cannot make good decisions without others.
I could say this in my first speech during my court hearing. (This is at least a joke)
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