One reason why I was able to pull of this 5 semester college torture was I knew even if I don't attend college I will be unhappy. I hoped that if I focus on myself I might be rewarded with finding a significant other in college and might have a financial future. The truth is though college ruined me. I developed so strong psychosomatic problems, I had so many love delusions it almost drove me to commit suicide last October. I was really on the edge.
I realized I am too talkative for a well planned suicide. I just have to vent to my two closest friends. In the end I think it was good the police came before I took the SN. Otherwise they would have been there 3o minutes after I took it...and well the experience would have been even more unpleasant. My mom or grandama could have gotten a stroke. My grandma just recently had one. A death of a relative was already blamed on me. I don't want to experience such a funeral again. The stay in the clinic for acute suicidal people was a living nightmare. I was paranoid all the time, a patient committed suicide and I was 24 hours convinced I triggered her suicide. (Which turned out to be impossible) Bro it was a hellhole.
Approaching suicide would make everything worse. I tend to become really depressed when I plan my suicide. I want a break but I don't know how to get that. I buy me stuff online. My dad stopped the contact with me. I was pretty mad at him for pressuring me to push through college. He acts like not being able to work would be a catastrophe. My mom and grandma act way better. I am a nursing case and get nursing care money (thanks to someone on SaSu) it might be enough to survive. It is a gamble but I have no other choice. The alternatives would literally drive me to ctb.
My mo works really so hard. I cannot commit suicide I mean if I actually died I would not have to care about the aftermath. But holy shit if I survive she will have at least a stroke. And she is the one person who holds this family together by working all the time. It would beyond any disaster if she got parallyzed by a stroke. She already had two (with no damage though).
My experience with dating apps suck. The interesting thing is the first woman I ever texted a lot on a dating app became intimate with me. I had my first kiss. And it was pretty amazing. But it turned out she had borderline and it was black and white thinking. And after our first date she started lying to me, ghosting me slowly. The whole thing collapsed quickly. I thought maybe I am good in texting and this is why she was so interested in me. I got compliments by women how interesting our conversations are. But after texting with so many women I get the feeling the women there are not even that interested to get serious with someone. 3 weeks ago I started texting with a woman and it felt like magic. We texted so much for 3 days, she gave me so many compliments. And then out of nowhere she ghosted me. I let two friends read the whole chat. And both of them said this came completely out of nowhere and was a pretty illogical move of her. It left me puzzled and even more frustrated.
I don't know I just want to feel good. Currently, I am starving myself because I gained a little bit of weight. I feel so weak and I think this is bad for my mental health. Last summer something really bad happened. It was so hot and I struggled to sleep so badly. I switched from depression into a mixed manic depressive episode because of lack of sleep. Which contributed a lot to my almost suicide attempt. And again this summer I sleep so bad. Even with my emergency medication.
I am so deeply unhappy. I don't know how to fix that. I notice spending money is a huge coping skill. I have some savings. I should not waste it. In April I bought me a Nintendo Switch 2. And in June I bought me a new phone for 300 Euros.
I am craving so much for intimacy. I dated a woman (who cheated emotionally on her bf that way) And she was really into hugging. But tbh hugging her did not feel that good. Maybe because I got the feeling she is only playing with me what she actually did Kissing the other woman I dated also did not feel that good. Maybe because she was a smoker and I was paranoid about her lip herpes. But kissing also did not feel that good.I am not good in it. We had no sex but we did petting, had webcam sex, she sent me nudes, we did sexting. Tbh the webcam sex was funny, the nudes would have become boring after a while, the sexting also was funny. But the best thing was touching each other. Feeling someone skin to skin. This felt really really amazing. I crave this feeling so much. Maybe it was special because we sort of had feelings for each other. I am not sure whether it would feel similar good with an escort woman. I think having these needs is human. I am not sure what it says about me that I am not that much into hugging and kissing but getting sexual felt cathartic. I am not fully sure on the ethics of sex work. I read one should read reviews of sex workers before consulting them. But holy shit these men talk about them in a disgusting way. Which does not mean I would do the same. In the end I would be one customer more. I don't think it was that much of a horrible action. But that's subjective. I read reviews of some sex workers where I live and they also have unprotected sex which seems to be a big red flag. I almost went nuts after kissing that woman with lip herpes. This is the biggest argument against meeting a sex worker. I am frightened to get an STD which would make finding a partner so much more difficult. The anxiety would be insane. I would go to a urologist afterwards for sure.
I don't know I don't feel like I want to hang in. My therapist sort of wanted to persuade me not to extend our therapy sessions because she sees no progress. I would need someone who gives me hope and she does the opposite. I wrote a 9 pages analysis about my psyche and now she wants to continue therapy with me and promised me to educate herself more on autism. But bro she should give me hope. Not I have to convince her that there is still hope left. Finding a signigificant other or getting intimate seems very difficult but not utterly impossible. Personally, I considered it utterly impossible to get me an income of several hundred Euros (per month) to save my ass from suicide. And then actually a member on here (from my country) told me about the nursing care money. First, I was sceptical about it. But she said to me I very likely can get it. I dived deep into it. And soon afterwards I had it. I mean this SaSu member might actually have saved me life. Also my life quality is way better since. No need to simulate poverty anymore. I mean if I miracle like this can happen. Why not more miracles? My family even discouraged me from applying for the nursing care money. "You won't get it anyway, instead you have to push through college". The funny thing I went for a long time to a social service for several years. And noone ever mentioned the nursing care money. (they did not know it) I am pretty sure many of their clients could actually get it. I could have been richer by a couple of thousand Euros if someone told it to me earlier. But at least I got it before my first suicide attempt.
I realized I am too talkative for a well planned suicide. I just have to vent to my two closest friends. In the end I think it was good the police came before I took the SN. Otherwise they would have been there 3o minutes after I took it...and well the experience would have been even more unpleasant. My mom or grandama could have gotten a stroke. My grandma just recently had one. A death of a relative was already blamed on me. I don't want to experience such a funeral again. The stay in the clinic for acute suicidal people was a living nightmare. I was paranoid all the time, a patient committed suicide and I was 24 hours convinced I triggered her suicide. (Which turned out to be impossible) Bro it was a hellhole.
Approaching suicide would make everything worse. I tend to become really depressed when I plan my suicide. I want a break but I don't know how to get that. I buy me stuff online. My dad stopped the contact with me. I was pretty mad at him for pressuring me to push through college. He acts like not being able to work would be a catastrophe. My mom and grandma act way better. I am a nursing case and get nursing care money (thanks to someone on SaSu) it might be enough to survive. It is a gamble but I have no other choice. The alternatives would literally drive me to ctb.
My mo works really so hard. I cannot commit suicide I mean if I actually died I would not have to care about the aftermath. But holy shit if I survive she will have at least a stroke. And she is the one person who holds this family together by working all the time. It would beyond any disaster if she got parallyzed by a stroke. She already had two (with no damage though).
My experience with dating apps suck. The interesting thing is the first woman I ever texted a lot on a dating app became intimate with me. I had my first kiss. And it was pretty amazing. But it turned out she had borderline and it was black and white thinking. And after our first date she started lying to me, ghosting me slowly. The whole thing collapsed quickly. I thought maybe I am good in texting and this is why she was so interested in me. I got compliments by women how interesting our conversations are. But after texting with so many women I get the feeling the women there are not even that interested to get serious with someone. 3 weeks ago I started texting with a woman and it felt like magic. We texted so much for 3 days, she gave me so many compliments. And then out of nowhere she ghosted me. I let two friends read the whole chat. And both of them said this came completely out of nowhere and was a pretty illogical move of her. It left me puzzled and even more frustrated.
I don't know I just want to feel good. Currently, I am starving myself because I gained a little bit of weight. I feel so weak and I think this is bad for my mental health. Last summer something really bad happened. It was so hot and I struggled to sleep so badly. I switched from depression into a mixed manic depressive episode because of lack of sleep. Which contributed a lot to my almost suicide attempt. And again this summer I sleep so bad. Even with my emergency medication.
I am so deeply unhappy. I don't know how to fix that. I notice spending money is a huge coping skill. I have some savings. I should not waste it. In April I bought me a Nintendo Switch 2. And in June I bought me a new phone for 300 Euros.
I am craving so much for intimacy. I dated a woman (who cheated emotionally on her bf that way) And she was really into hugging. But tbh hugging her did not feel that good. Maybe because I got the feeling she is only playing with me what she actually did Kissing the other woman I dated also did not feel that good. Maybe because she was a smoker and I was paranoid about her lip herpes. But kissing also did not feel that good.I am not good in it. We had no sex but we did petting, had webcam sex, she sent me nudes, we did sexting. Tbh the webcam sex was funny, the nudes would have become boring after a while, the sexting also was funny. But the best thing was touching each other. Feeling someone skin to skin. This felt really really amazing. I crave this feeling so much. Maybe it was special because we sort of had feelings for each other. I am not sure whether it would feel similar good with an escort woman. I think having these needs is human. I am not sure what it says about me that I am not that much into hugging and kissing but getting sexual felt cathartic. I am not fully sure on the ethics of sex work. I read one should read reviews of sex workers before consulting them. But holy shit these men talk about them in a disgusting way. Which does not mean I would do the same. In the end I would be one customer more. I don't think it was that much of a horrible action. But that's subjective. I read reviews of some sex workers where I live and they also have unprotected sex which seems to be a big red flag. I almost went nuts after kissing that woman with lip herpes. This is the biggest argument against meeting a sex worker. I am frightened to get an STD which would make finding a partner so much more difficult. The anxiety would be insane. I would go to a urologist afterwards for sure.
I don't know I don't feel like I want to hang in. My therapist sort of wanted to persuade me not to extend our therapy sessions because she sees no progress. I would need someone who gives me hope and she does the opposite. I wrote a 9 pages analysis about my psyche and now she wants to continue therapy with me and promised me to educate herself more on autism. But bro she should give me hope. Not I have to convince her that there is still hope left. Finding a signigificant other or getting intimate seems very difficult but not utterly impossible. Personally, I considered it utterly impossible to get me an income of several hundred Euros (per month) to save my ass from suicide. And then actually a member on here (from my country) told me about the nursing care money. First, I was sceptical about it. But she said to me I very likely can get it. I dived deep into it. And soon afterwards I had it. I mean this SaSu member might actually have saved me life. Also my life quality is way better since. No need to simulate poverty anymore. I mean if I miracle like this can happen. Why not more miracles? My family even discouraged me from applying for the nursing care money. "You won't get it anyway, instead you have to push through college". The funny thing I went for a long time to a social service for several years. And noone ever mentioned the nursing care money. (they did not know it) I am pretty sure many of their clients could actually get it. I could have been richer by a couple of thousand Euros if someone told it to me earlier. But at least I got it before my first suicide attempt.
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