Venting To whom it may concern

[Isadeth]

To whom it may concern,

I obtained my medical records today. Life has been so hectic lately I barely have time for myself let alone others. One tragedy after another has been slamming me left and right. I can hardly catch my breath before another occurs. Such is life. The pandemic doesn't allow for much in ways of unwinding; however, I know I'm not alone in that. But that doesn't provide solace in the moment when it's needed. Again, such is life.

I attempt to exude a strong exterior today. I'm drowning. Tragedy after tragedy has been ceaseless. I'm just gripping for something to hold onto in the moment to be okay, but it's useless. I'm tired.

I reviewed my medical records today... You had a lifeboat, yet you let me tread water until I was utterly exhausted. 13 years of treading water and the very first year I was given answers, yet you didn't help. Instead you watched me tread water. Enduring 13 years of painful experimental procedures, clinical trials, and more... and you had the answers. Multiple repercussions from everything took my life from me and now I'm considered fragile with restrictions not common in people my age. Such is life... right? Wrong.

I confronted you today. To ask, "why?" You had no answers. No closure. No remorse. I asked why and didn't you tell me. Why did you make me endure so many barbaric things? I could be 13 years into recovery. I could have had manageable treatment. I could have had specialists that could have provided the answers to my questions. No, instead you looked onward. Instead, I lost a majority of my friends, childhood, past jobs, relationships, and worst of all... the ability to be the mother my children deserved.

I cried over my medical records today. I don't particularly hate you. I could never fully hate you. But I hate what you've done. I hate what you've taken from me. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm grieving.

I was speechless today. I took it in stride as I continued to comb through every detail. But now, it's all setting in. I haven't told anyone. I need time to process. Life is unfair, that's no secret. It's messy. It's bittersweet.

I wanted answers today. Sadly, they were not favorable. I wish I could be a more open person to some extent. For you. For me. For my sanity. But I walk on eggshells. I always have with you. Maybe I would be able to communicate how I adequately feel if I said fuck it, but there's a barrier. You. So I continue the cycle.

I called my doctor's office today. It wasn't good. Surprise? No, at this point that's expected. Still, I maintained a tough exterior... but 13 years ago I could have changed the potential outcome of today. Hindsight is depressing. Hindsight is devastating.

I over analyzed my medical records today...trying to make sense of it all. An attempt of trying to track the trajectory of when things got worse in a sea of diagnostics and physician notes.

I'm attempting to be okay today. I feel the need to make it clear that don't hate you. In fact, I will still have your back, even when you didn't have mine. That speaks of your character, not mine. And agonizingly, I'll have to accept that you're incapable of change, and we don't have a time machine. If only, right?

I spoke to my doctor today... I'm much sicker than I anticipated. If only I had a time machine. Would that even matter? I am exhausted and angry. I'm allowed to be.

I decided to not send this today; to whom it may concern.