EmptyBlackSoul
I Wish I Knew How To Not Love Anyone
- Feb 6, 2025
- 15
Context: [My Original Suicide Countdown Journal]
It's no secret that I did not intend to live to see my 30th birthday this year.
So much of my time, lost forever, that as I was approaching my 30th birthday, I truly envisioned it as the worst thing that would happen to me.
My Childhood Development
It was only recently I discovered that, because of how dysfunctional my family was growing up, trauma made my brain develop far faster than others. And because I didn't experience a regular childhood, it also didn't develop other parts that should have been, causing an asynchronous development, as I've been told.
I tried to dissect so much about why I was so different from my family as a child, while everyone else were having "normal" childhoods (Of course, it didn't help that I was a very sheltered child under my religious mother's roof).
When you factor in my other intellectual disabilities (my ADHD), my "giftedness" wouldn't fully manifest until after I was properly medicated in Canada at the age of 27, three years after I immigrated.
A question I arrived at was if my trauma was the reason why I developed faster than others, why didn't the same happen to other kids like me? And the reason is simply because it was the right cocktail of circumstances that created who I became.
Like, one thing I was so desperately scared of was becoming just as narcissistic as mother, but funny enough, it was that same fear of becoming like her that propelled myself into hyper-empathy, hyper-awareness and constant introspection.
And because I lacked proper parents, specifically when it came to my mother, my brain and heart kept looking for parental figures to fill that void. This left room for adults I looked up to, to repeatedly take advantage of that emotional vulnerability.
Canada In My 20s
I thought when I left for Canada at 23, I'll start living my life as I wanted, but then I unintentionally became my ex's caregiver, and even up to this year (2026), my role in life was trying to keep other people's lives stable while mine went up on flames. And since I saw this as an act of love, I thought I was doing the right. However, all this did was steal away the lives I could be living.
It was at that point I realized something: "Who am I if I'm not taking care of someone?"
Ironically, I've also realized that I'm happiest taking care of the people I love, hence why I'm studying to become a Personal Support Worker, but it also made me realize that I conditioned myself to put others' needs and wants ahead of my own, even while telling myself I was doing what I wanted. I spent half of my 20s in a remote town that my abusive ex moved us to that served as a its-not-a-prison-but-totally-is home, not realizing how much this mimicked the sheltered environment of my religious mother.
While my writing has remained consistent, after I left my most recent home, I found that I can't draw as prolifically as I used to because my art was fueled by my depression. It's a paradox of my drawing being fueled by my depression, but now that I'm no longer depressed, I've stopped drawing, and because I've stopped drawing, I'm somewhat depressed, but not 'misery depressed' enough to fuel my creative hand.
There's also the quietness from leaving a toxic environment. My brain is anxious because it was so used to the noise of my surroundings and confused on why there's no chaos in my life. And so, it feels like I'm floating in a void of 'Um, what now?'
Different
Something else I also learned at the age of 30 was learning just how different I was from everyone around me.
The most prominent example is the revelation to me that the frontal lobe that's responsible for long term thinking in adults isn't finished developing until age 27.
This was news to me because even at age 17, I would deeply analyze the adults around me, and at age 22, I was confidently mapping detailed strategies and plans for the future. This was apparently a result of my brain recognizing danger from a young age, and therefore going into survival mode out of preservation, and giving me a hyper-logic mindset.
And for the longest time, I thought this was normal for everyone my age. It's why I was so confused that when faced with the actual reality of other 20 year olds in my late 20s, I couldn't understand why they were making "stupid/careless" decisions, because I didn't behave like this at all.
It was only after I turned 30 that I realized that everyone wasn't being "stupid", they were being normal and I was simply a very rare exception of a 20 year old.
The best way I can put it is in this (funny) scenario:
Living My Future
I rambled for a bit, but as my mind detoxes from my previous environments, it made me realize that the reason why I was so scared of being 30 was because I didn't understand or know what being 30 was supposed to be for myself.
This is especially true when I realized that most of my friends were still in their 20s or earlier 20s. There's not even resources on how to be a 30 year old, because since 29 is considered the last year of being a youth, the world decides "Alright, you should be able to be on your own now. Have at it!
", and then you're just like "Wait, I haven't learned anything?!", and then World responds, "Not my problem! Have fun, Adult!"
I guess what I'm trying to say is, for me who didn't even understand what made me so different from everyone around me, it's only at age 30 where I'm seeing the world everyone else got to explore and get acquainted with.
It's an irony of being gifted: Smarter than everyone else in the room, but not having the "normal" expected experiences that gave everyone else the confidence to be grown adults.
And yet, as I learn about this new me, it's made it easier to grieve over the missed experiences of the past. Not having experience going to prom feels more digestible when it feels like my being has taken on a new, cozier shell.
I said before that I still felt 20 even going on 30. Do I still feel that way? Yes and no. I am a bit wiser than I realized, but I don't feel as bogged down by age as I was originally. Instead of seeing myself as a '30 year old', I guess I see myself as just...someone who is alive (if that makes sense, because I'm not even sure if it does to me, lol).
And one thing I'm truly happy about is no longer needing to fill the void in my heart with either a parental figure or partner, because what I realized is I didn't need those things to be a complete person, or to consider myself as human as anyone else by defining my existence by missed experiences. That's where I also learned that my chosen family, where actually my real family this entire time (as corny as it sounds lol).
To myself, yes, I believe you made the right decision in staying alive. You have a lot more to give to the world than you realize.
Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
It's no secret that I did not intend to live to see my 30th birthday this year.
So much of my time, lost forever, that as I was approaching my 30th birthday, I truly envisioned it as the worst thing that would happen to me.
My Childhood Development
It was only recently I discovered that, because of how dysfunctional my family was growing up, trauma made my brain develop far faster than others. And because I didn't experience a regular childhood, it also didn't develop other parts that should have been, causing an asynchronous development, as I've been told.
I tried to dissect so much about why I was so different from my family as a child, while everyone else were having "normal" childhoods (Of course, it didn't help that I was a very sheltered child under my religious mother's roof).
When you factor in my other intellectual disabilities (my ADHD), my "giftedness" wouldn't fully manifest until after I was properly medicated in Canada at the age of 27, three years after I immigrated.
A question I arrived at was if my trauma was the reason why I developed faster than others, why didn't the same happen to other kids like me? And the reason is simply because it was the right cocktail of circumstances that created who I became.
Like, one thing I was so desperately scared of was becoming just as narcissistic as mother, but funny enough, it was that same fear of becoming like her that propelled myself into hyper-empathy, hyper-awareness and constant introspection.
And because I lacked proper parents, specifically when it came to my mother, my brain and heart kept looking for parental figures to fill that void. This left room for adults I looked up to, to repeatedly take advantage of that emotional vulnerability.
Canada In My 20s
I thought when I left for Canada at 23, I'll start living my life as I wanted, but then I unintentionally became my ex's caregiver, and even up to this year (2026), my role in life was trying to keep other people's lives stable while mine went up on flames. And since I saw this as an act of love, I thought I was doing the right. However, all this did was steal away the lives I could be living.
It was at that point I realized something: "Who am I if I'm not taking care of someone?"
Ironically, I've also realized that I'm happiest taking care of the people I love, hence why I'm studying to become a Personal Support Worker, but it also made me realize that I conditioned myself to put others' needs and wants ahead of my own, even while telling myself I was doing what I wanted. I spent half of my 20s in a remote town that my abusive ex moved us to that served as a its-not-a-prison-but-totally-is home, not realizing how much this mimicked the sheltered environment of my religious mother.
While my writing has remained consistent, after I left my most recent home, I found that I can't draw as prolifically as I used to because my art was fueled by my depression. It's a paradox of my drawing being fueled by my depression, but now that I'm no longer depressed, I've stopped drawing, and because I've stopped drawing, I'm somewhat depressed, but not 'misery depressed' enough to fuel my creative hand.
There's also the quietness from leaving a toxic environment. My brain is anxious because it was so used to the noise of my surroundings and confused on why there's no chaos in my life. And so, it feels like I'm floating in a void of 'Um, what now?'
Different
Something else I also learned at the age of 30 was learning just how different I was from everyone around me.
The most prominent example is the revelation to me that the frontal lobe that's responsible for long term thinking in adults isn't finished developing until age 27.
This was news to me because even at age 17, I would deeply analyze the adults around me, and at age 22, I was confidently mapping detailed strategies and plans for the future. This was apparently a result of my brain recognizing danger from a young age, and therefore going into survival mode out of preservation, and giving me a hyper-logic mindset.
And for the longest time, I thought this was normal for everyone my age. It's why I was so confused that when faced with the actual reality of other 20 year olds in my late 20s, I couldn't understand why they were making "stupid/careless" decisions, because I didn't behave like this at all.
It was only after I turned 30 that I realized that everyone wasn't being "stupid", they were being normal and I was simply a very rare exception of a 20 year old.
The best way I can put it is in this (funny) scenario:
*Me as a 20 year old with other 20 year olds*
Me: "Have you all also meticulously planned out what you're doing for the next 10 years?"
Everyone:
The one guy: "Dude, here. You need some weed in your life."
Me: "Have you all also meticulously planned out what you're doing for the next 10 years?"
Everyone:
The one guy: "Dude, here. You need some weed in your life."
Living My Future
I rambled for a bit, but as my mind detoxes from my previous environments, it made me realize that the reason why I was so scared of being 30 was because I didn't understand or know what being 30 was supposed to be for myself.
This is especially true when I realized that most of my friends were still in their 20s or earlier 20s. There's not even resources on how to be a 30 year old, because since 29 is considered the last year of being a youth, the world decides "Alright, you should be able to be on your own now. Have at it!
", and then you're just like "Wait, I haven't learned anything?!", and then World responds, "Not my problem! Have fun, Adult!"I guess what I'm trying to say is, for me who didn't even understand what made me so different from everyone around me, it's only at age 30 where I'm seeing the world everyone else got to explore and get acquainted with.
It's an irony of being gifted: Smarter than everyone else in the room, but not having the "normal" expected experiences that gave everyone else the confidence to be grown adults.
And yet, as I learn about this new me, it's made it easier to grieve over the missed experiences of the past. Not having experience going to prom feels more digestible when it feels like my being has taken on a new, cozier shell.
I said before that I still felt 20 even going on 30. Do I still feel that way? Yes and no. I am a bit wiser than I realized, but I don't feel as bogged down by age as I was originally. Instead of seeing myself as a '30 year old', I guess I see myself as just...someone who is alive (if that makes sense, because I'm not even sure if it does to me, lol).
And one thing I'm truly happy about is no longer needing to fill the void in my heart with either a parental figure or partner, because what I realized is I didn't need those things to be a complete person, or to consider myself as human as anyone else by defining my existence by missed experiences. That's where I also learned that my chosen family, where actually my real family this entire time (as corny as it sounds lol).
To myself, yes, I believe you made the right decision in staying alive. You have a lot more to give to the world than you realize.
Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
