Tired of hurting people. Tired of being a burden

[Water-Lily]

Of course, everyone has their baggage. Not everyone is perfect so the time and we being to situations our pains and trauma. Just as I will be hurt by others, i will hurt people. But, I hate the guilt of hurting people. It activates my trauma response of being a bad person and deserving punishment.

I know if I died I would be hurting many people. I don't give a shit about my family as much, but I know my friends would care. All I want is to be loved unconditionally by someone. But no person will do that for you. The only one who can love unconditionally are parents. And when you don't have that, you're screwed

I'd rather die to prevent the guilt I'd experience from hurting someone to protect myself from my own shame. Everyone moves on anyways

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have to deal with all this pain. Living a life filled with suffering really can be dreadful. I wish you the best.

 

[LucieInTheDark]

I also feel the same. I'm unloved by my own mother, who I still loved very dearly and it has left me devastated. Everyone in my life has left me or it's bound to leave me eventually and it just hurts so bad. I wish I could stop, I wish I had never existed. I just want to sleep forever, I don't want to worry about anything ever again. The thought of eventually dying and being free of the burden of worry fills me with bliss.

 

[rudebeat]

I have some horrible stuff I've did in my past (I don't mean like a crime or physical harassment) and I only realized it much later in life because I was too stupid to realize it at the time. I've tried to separate my self identity from who I was back then and that's not worked much. I think because of the few horrible things I've done as a teen I might be bothered much more than others when I still do things wrong now, because I've seen people be way more antagonistic than me and start being rude unprovoked yet they still think they're just an average person. I, on the other hand, am second guessing everything I do down to the smallest detail.
Even when I'm not trying to be an asshole people still sometimes think I am because I don't say hi to them because I'm too nervous and I don't know if the person even wants me to say hi, or I get so zoned out that people think I'm ignoring them, etc, etc.

 

[som1]

shame and guilt can eat you up, it is definitely my main reason to ctb. that's why I isolate myself but it doesn't help the guilt and shame of being a burden still haunt me every day.