Story tired of being a coward.

[Insomniac]

sometimes, I feel like I'm suicidal because I'm essentially a coward.

there are many choices in my life that I could have made, or that I could make now, that'd make me happy on the long run but, on the short run, are huge sacrifices.

like for example, I have never been in a relationship mostly because I'm scared of what my family will think of my lover. I have high standards but those standards aren't mine. to be honest, Indonesia care if a guy is good looking or if he makes money, but my family do.

If I had the courage to chose my own partner myself, regardless of what my family thinks, I'd be so much happier.

I'm traumatised by the fact that my parents have always been overly judgemental of my friends. they'd make really harsh comments mostly relating to their social status.

my parents also care about religion but I don't. my parents also care about race and culture but I don't.

I'm too much of a coward to simply stand up and live my life because it'd mean turning the back on my family forever and that's really difficult I don't know why.

It'd be like trading a lifetime of free rent and food for a lifetime of work and struggle just to be able to chose who I want to marry and hang out with.

although my life right now is shit because I despise parents because of their toxic behaviour, I still find it hard to just say fuck it and leave. to the point that I find dying easier and more convenient.

anyone else feeling the same?

 

[Pluto]

That is a harsh predicament. I told my family to go screw itself but have been struggling working shitty jobs, being abandoned and in poverty ever since.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

I get the family stuff.

I woke up to their behaviors being abusive when I was in my late 20s--they did awful shit since I was a small child. Ghosted my only living family, told them to only contact me if Mom died. To their part, they listened to that and only reached out a year ago with Mom's death.

Mom was very accepting of who I am, actually--a queer tranny. So was [my paternal] Grandmom before she died. But Mom was a shit parent and my half-brother was shitty about the gay stuff.

 

[idiotstillwantstodie]

sometimes, I feel like I'm suicidal because I'm essentially a coward.

there are many choices in my life that I could have made, or that I could make now, that'd make me happy on the long run but, on the short run, are huge sacrifices.

like for example, I have never been in a relationship mostly because I'm scared of what my family will think of my lover. I have high standards but those standards aren't mine. to be honest, Indonesia care if a guy is good looking or if he makes money, but my family do.

If I had the courage to chose my own partner myself, regardless of what my family thinks, I'd be so much happier.

I'm traumatised by the fact that my parents have always been overly judgemental of my friends. they'd make really harsh comments mostly relating to their social status.

my parents also care about religion but I don't. my parents also care about race and culture but I don't.

I'm too much of a coward to simply stand up and live my life because it'd mean turning the back on my family forever and that's really difficult I don't know why.

It'd be like trading a lifetime of free rent and food for a lifetime of work and struggle just to be able to chose who I want to marry and hang out with.

although my life right now is shit because I despise parents because of their toxic behaviour, I still find it hard to just say fuck it and leave. to the point that I find dying easier and more convenient.

anyone else feeling the same?

Based on what you just wrote your family would be really pissed if you killed yourself. If you want to get back at them and don't have anything to live for, then kill yourself, if it's so much easier than not being a "coward". Your folks will be furious to take such a hit on their reputation.

 

[motel rooms]

although my life right now is shit because I despise parents because of their toxic behaviour, I still find it hard to just say fuck it and leave. to the point that I find dying easier and more convenient.

Say fuck it & leave, you can always ctb if things don't get better.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

I relate. Cowardice has played a major role in ruining my life.

 

[Julgran]

I can also relate somewhat, and I have begun to think that the option to end one's life can be used as a mind soother - meaning that when you have reached this far on your eventual end-of-life journey, you are free to do whatever you want without repercussions - as long as you don't hurt anyone else, of course.

In other words, if you wish to expand you comfort zone now, now is the time