Venting Tired and drained

[termination2434]

I truly can't find words to express my mental torment right now. I know there are others feeling way worse than me, but I still can't stand this. I'm still functioning I suppose but not as usual. My hygiene is taking a hit. I shower as usual, but beyond that? Don't wash my face, don't brush my hair, I would like to say the last time I brushed my teeth was yesterday morning but I'm not even confident I did. Like I said, others are in a worse spot than me, but man this still sucks. I've ate once a day the last 4 or so days. Didn't even leave my room today except to get up and go to McDonald's when I already have food here. I'm sitting here after the first week of my new semester and I've spent most of my day, at least 8 hours, trying to focus enough to do maybe 2 hours worth of homework? I'm stuck here suffering with my mind consumed by my recent relationship troubles from a previous post. When I get out of bed and start my day, the first thing I do is stand in front of the mirror, take my fingers to the corners of my lips, and try to curl them into a convincing smile. I'm never able to. The next thing I do is gesture holding a gun either under my chin or in my mouth, finger on the trigger. Closing my eyes, releasing the tension out of my muscles, taking a deep breath, and click. And for that one millisecond that I'm able to see nothingness, hear nothing, drown out any ambient noise, and most importantly feel nothing, I finally feel that little tiny bit of peace. It doesn't last long, but it's so sweet and satisfying. I've done this at least once a day for a long while now, but lately I've done it at least 10 times a day. I think it's getting to a point where it's a subconscious stress reliever and I have to resist doing it in public. My only issue is I seem to be too much of a pussy to ever do it with the real thing. I have fairly easy access to firearms, easier than I'll ever let certain people know, yet I still can't bring myself to do it. I'm so tired of this it is beyond exhausting. All I can do is hope my end is near by some miracle. Maybe the day she moves on or decides to completely cut all possible contact with me, I'll finally by so overcome with pain that I'll have no choice but to ctb. Until then, I guess I'm stuck in this torture chamber that is my own mind.

 

[komakun]

i feel this. i hope things get easier for you soon. if you can get up to clean or wash yourself it might help, im trying to get myself to do that rn, its been weeks since i cleaned and finally got the supplies today but now theres a giant roach trapped in my kitchen light… oops. and i really need to wash my hair…. i know ill feel better once i finish cleaning tonight but it wont stop me from ctbing soon lol. if youre still afraid of pulling the trigger maybe there are things left you still want to experience? but si is real

 

[termination2434]

i feel this. i hope things get easier for you soon. if you can get up to clean or wash yourself it might help, im trying to get myself to do that rn, its been weeks since i cleaned and finally got the supplies today but now theres a giant roach trapped in my kitchen light… oops. and i really need to wash my hair…. i know ill feel better once i finish cleaning tonight but it wont stop me from ctbing soon lol. if youre still afraid of pulling the trigger maybe there are things left you still want to experience? but si is real

I can get up to bathe myself (funny enough I say now as I'm laying here with nothing to do but still procrastinating about hopping in the shower), I just can't do the other things I usually do. On top of that, working out is probably the closest thing I have to a hobby and I can't even find the energy to do that even while I have the time. I'm getting so scrawny and I look like a child now. I've always had poor body image from being skinny so it's really affecting my mental right now, but I still don't have the motivation to do a damn thing about it.
Maybe the reason I can't pull is I'm still holding out on hope for some things, even though I'm positive they'll never happen. And if they do, they won't last. I hope you do feel better when you finish cleaning though, and whether you decide to ctb or stick around, I wish you nothing but peace either way, friend.