Thread for random vents/stories

[nikdiedtoday]

okay so i saw someone else make a thread simply for just vents and i think ill use this thread for that. i don't wanna clog the timeline lol. im new to this forum/forums in general so give me a break. anywayyyy. had another weird dream where i couldn't breathe last night. i drew some shit today and i think its coming out cool so thats a positive. a while ago when the shit going on in my life first started consuming everything i do i started making video diaries to document it and shit but stopped for a few reasons one being my inability to keep a phone these days (lol) but id just talk about my days and shit going on and how i was coping with it all.id also try an list any positives that happened that day no matter how small. thats where ''talk soon talk soon'' come from cuz id always say that at the end of my 5,10,40 min videos. id make like alot of them per day cuz 9/10 some strange shit was always happening. it still is but its mostly normalized to me now and im slowly starting to understand the patterns and cycles. anyway my point is i think ill use this as my new way of venting and shit because maybe im just dumb but i think it was helping. i dont have anywhere else to run to yk? currently thinking about the fact that every time i think even for a second maybe i don't HAVE to go out like this the next second something proves to me otherwise. every time i think ive done it right or got it figured out im wrong. i do think SOME of whats happening IS just mental illness and the rest is real life shit making that mental illness 1007987437199 times worse (purposefully)im in a cycle that feels like it will never end. maybe if i give it one last go you know? be more authentic to myself stand my ground do the hard thing instead of keeping the worms at bay. stand up for what i believe for whats right i can at least die saying i tried to fight for my life best i knew how i tried to make thing right and i didnt just lay down and become someone im not. i want to die being me i want to die being me i want to die being me i want to die still being me. is that better then dying someone i dont recognize but at least still having someone who would lie and say they loved me? do i say fuck it burn all the bridges start from scratch pull myself out the dirt and maybe come out on the other side? i want to do that im just terrified. right now overall shes happy shes got everything she wants needs and im there for her however and whenever i need to be and so is everyone else for the most part. im worried if i burn bridges everything will change for her and ill die not being able to be in her life the way i am now because if im honest about everything they will use any and everything against me and take her from me. and then maybe shell only remember me as the mess everyone says and thinks i am. theres no way to do both either i live in a lie, it consumes me and i die because of it or i could live in truth and lose everything and also die because of it. or i just die and pretend none of it matters to me even though it does. or i just keep going in this cycle forever but im so sick of never moving forward and if i do move forward it takes months sometimes years to even take another step. maybe my issue is i want my cake and eat it too. at the end of the day its not about me anymore or what i need or want its about her and i know that im okay with that mostly. its about whats best for her but i cant decide what IS best for her. if i keep living this way im worried about the person ill become. if i dont live this way im afraid of what others will become. i need a sure way of knowing shell be happy and protected. if i had that id be gone already and everything would be simple. i cant take the thought of her thinking i just gave up on her. i dont ever want her to know what im going through but i want her to understand id never leave if i didnt HAVE to. ever. when im doing any and everything all these thoughts consume me and my actions only ever change slightly and then the thinking cycle starts again. im just lost and not sure what to do. i know i have to do it all myself and i know im the only person i have to lean on but thats not worth much since idk...IM THE ONE WHO GOT ME IN THIS SITUATION TO BEGIN WITH. im getting older. the entire world is moving i dont know how to keep up i dont know if i even want to. how do i survive this?
talk soon talk soon<3

 

[nikdiedtoday]

first post on this thread is from a few days ago my laptop wouldn't let me post it till today tho so here's today's update i guess
im feeling oddly optimistic today not sure why. its weird like i started the morning thinking about ctb by train before work spent half the work day loosely planning shit and then after that i was like yk what? let me keep trying lol. i think its just the cycle of emotions i keep going through but no matter what i always come back to no dude you gotta go lol. anyway. i think ill try and stay up tn and work on my drawings or maybe ill start a new one. i gotta get a new smaller book to bring with me to work since my other one is used up and my main book is way too big to bring with me. maybe thats whats been missing from my work days lately maybe itll help. my ear buds broke today so i couldn't drown the world out properly before work. i got over it tho and FINALLY got bluetooth earbuds so im excited to try them. i need a new phone since my real phone is water damaged (just got the screen fixed like a month or two ago smh) so ive just been using one of those free phones but it has no data anymore since its so old and the screen is almost fully blacked out cuz its cracked so all i got is downloaded music and my old ass laptop which to be fair has been nice. before i got the screen fixed on my main phone i went a pretty long time with no device at all which was honestly nice so im trying to be positive and take what i can get atm. i dont wanna get a new phone just in case i ctb soon. i don't often spend money on myself unless its food anyway (i am using it to fill the void being sober has left me with either i eat everything ever or nothing lol) anyways aside from planning my bus trip i thought alot about my family today. i went no contact with everyone a few months back and its been harder lately. maybe because the holidays and shit and most of our birthdays are in the same month and idk alot of milestones in my life and no one to share them with. alot of milestones in their life and i have no right to hear about them anymore i guess. like they used to be the first people id call about anything but then i started getting this hollow feeling when id call.after i last visited them it seemed i was only there for them to humiliate me and the only thing i could see clearer then ever is that im not apart of the family and they dont know me at all and the worst part is i dont know them either anymore and i never ever ever thought that would happen to us. i keep wondering how they see me now like am i just that distant random person they used to know or am i still their big sister? do they miss me how i miss them? could i ever say anything to fix shit or is it all too far gone. i dont want the time i knew them and spent in their life to become shorter then the amount of time ive been out of their life. i think they're genuinely doing better without me around though. when i first moved away it was fine they were still my best friends and wed talk often then i started noticing things and shit started consuming me and it hurt more hearing from them so i just stopped (they also just kinda cut me off cuz i was not doing well mentally) its all hard to explain idk. i wish i wasn't so dumb and impulsive and selfish when i was younger. hindsight is a cunt. mostly i just hope they are okay and happy and not letting my mom fuck their life up. (i should have and wish i could protect them) i miss her too tho. shes got a lot of health issues. i don't want her to die not understanding me or without knowing i love her and always did. i hope she never dies. i don't want regrets to keep building up when it comes to them but that almost seems better then facing the fact they just don't love me or need me or want me for that matter and deep down i feel they never have or will. i never fit right with them and i ruined everything by snitching on my dad for being a freak rapist. i blew everything up once i realized everything thats ever happened in our life is preventable and not okay and instead of trying to fix or make it better for them i just got mad and ran. idk idk. i hope they are okay. i wanna share some art later cuz im proud of the cunt ass face i drew this week lmao. feeling lonely mixed with lethal boredom.
talk soon talk soon <3

 

[nikdiedtoday]

im back. today work was okay ig. i had to tell my boss im mentally ill and that's why i call out sm. i didn't even mean to say it really but he kept asking whats up whats up and i blerted it out i wish i wouldn't have. i told him in not gonna call out anymore and ill just keep going till i cant anymore which is true. i cant quit or lose my job only way i wont be working there anymore will 9/10 be because of my bus trip. didn't say that shit tho obviously. i held it together went back to finish my rooms and just burst into tears in the stairwell. im just at a point where i don't know what to do anymore. just survive the day just keep going. i have no other option. if i ctb i wont have to think about it anymore itll all be someone elses problem. its awful to barely have the luxury of controlling my own death anymore. i hope eventually ill have had enough. till then back to it i guess. i got off this weekend so im gonna try and enjoy it if i can. (im gonna eat too much nstead of breaking my sobriety and watch random shit maybe do some art) here's what im working on its inspired by noodle from gorillaz and the last one was just 4 fun cuz i wanted to try something slightly new (i don't use color other then red and black normally and i was bored)im watching a show called steal on prime rn i just got to 2nd episode and its decent. i need a new show show to watch yk so if anyone's got good suggestions lmk lol. OH speaking of which whoever made a post saying they'd like to ctb to the song trees and flowers by strawberry switchblade one,i hope you're doing okay two, i checked it out and THANK YOU what a miscellaneous banger been playing it since i heard it genuinely thank you. anyway back to my show and food lmk if anyones got a good show for me to watch or a movie ill take anything atp. i sound cheery today maybe im feeling less fucked then normally the mid work breakdown would say otherwise but maybe i got it out for now and i can slightly enjoy this time? will update later
talk soon talk soon <3

ps. sorry the pic quality is so shit my temp phone is ass