Thoughts, Vents, Exps, Rants, IDK, Whatever

[stardewwindceres]

Giving up on that other thread, guess I'll start a new one. See how long I can keep this one up. I don't remember the last time I posted here really. My 40th was in October and I know I posted then or shortly before or after, since then I haven't even been able to bring myself to even open this computer. I haven't been able to bring myself to do much else but lay in bed and cry. Getting up to take my dog outside has been harder than ever, and I hate that I am even admitting it, but I've been waiting until the last minute when usually I am all over her needs. Or I just make her go downstairs and pawn her off on my mother. Things are just getting so much worse. Time is crawling. Christmas is not usually a problem for me because I don't celebrate it, religiously or culturally, so at least there's that. It was still a long fucking day. I'm 40 and have nothing to show for it. No friends, no relationship, I live with my mother- which for a lot of reasons that I don't even want to get into is just an extra layer of suffering. She takes her misery out on other people, lots of verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation.

My life is laying in bed, in a room that is half-way to looking like a hoarder lives in it (Not a hoarder, I just don't clean unless it's something like food or really messy, just lots of clutter) and watch TV, stare at the ceiling/walls, play video games/get on internet if I can find the energy. I don't even drive anymore. Even if I wanted to I couldn't. My mother keeps my car keys locked in her safe. She has already told me I'm never driving again.

I've recently started ECT treatments. By recent I mean, I had 3 last week and one on Monday, but then they took the rest of this week off because of the holidays and I start again Monday. I don't really know what I'm expecting. I don't really think it will do much of anything. I could end it all tomorrow if I want. I have plenty of SN, meto, I'll have 600 mg of Valium after noon. I know how it sounds, and I hate myself for this, but I just want to be able to not make a decision and either develop some disease or have some random aneurysm or medical event to happen that will just kill me.

I know one day I will eventually die. Do I just wait until then? Maybe help speed it along in the meantime. Just...wait? I always have the chance with he SN/Meto at anytime, and SN/Meto/large dose Valium the first week or so of every month.

Why do I just keep putting off the inevitable. Maybe a compromise? See what happens with the ECT and if it ends up being useless, well I have what I need. Maybe this. I don't know. FUCK.

 

[Sleeper System]

I wish I had a safety net like that. If all else fails I could just live with my ma and even though I'd have to endure verbal abuses I wouldn't really need to do anything other than the bare minimum. Wouldn't have to work or even leave the house unless I felt like it. It wouldn't last forever obviously but I could spend a few years living responsibility free.

I'm sure i'm over simplifying your situation but you wouldn't want my life. Where no one really can help you but you. Noo one to lean on and no one who could help you because no one feels sorry for longer than a short while before they tell you to get lost.

Must feel good too to gave your method in hand should it ever get real bad. Jealous.

 

[NutOrat]

Hope you're still with us, and I wish the ECT helps you! I relate a lot, with having no energy for anything, I can't even play most games at this point, and just rotting away in my room, living with my parents, no friends, no aspirations - nothing. I realise this neither comforts nor helps you in any way, just wanted to say it Idk... I get how hopeless it can feel, but just like you with ECT, I am at the very least doing therapist appointments online (because I'm that lazy to go to the city every time), and so far so pointless, but it might lead to something, so I guess we'll have to wait and see.

I'm sure i'm over simplifying your situation but you wouldn't want my life.

I know you probably didn't mean this reply to be an attack on OP's character, but it felt quite judgemental to me, I guess since my situation is not far from or is even lighter than hers, so I took that personally as well. I don't blame you though, and I do sympathise with you, you're no doubt struggling more, but it's no competition, and no-one here is lucky for whatever circumstances. Wish it gets better for you too and you get the support you deserve.