Hi everyone, I hope your night is going well.
I'm planning on CTB by the end of the year. Most likely in early September or late August. Until then, I'm in a constant state of thinking about it. I think about what's the point in going on with my daily routines in life if I'm ending it anyways in a couple of months...sadly I live in a household where I just can't catch a break and my circumstances just don't allow me to just drop everything and just stay in bed until then. I've lost all motivation and I have no ambition to do anything anymore. I've tried to get my shit together so many times these past few years and every single time I fall back into depression and my family also make me feel completely worthless and unmotivated.
Every single day I am so exhausted because I'm trying so hard to look like a functioning person. I have so much pressure on me and I don't have the balls either to ask for real help. Within a year, my mental health has escalated so badly and every few months I just have an episode where I'm feeling back to zero again. Like I said, I'm so tired and I already know that there will never be enough ambition in me to do even the simplest of tasks.
Anyways, life sucks and I cry everyday thinking about how I'm such a failure and how my family and friends are going to feel about my death. Truthfully, there's nothing or anyone that can really keep me here , except a literal miracle, whatever that could be. Today, my mom asked about school and normally I'd get really annoyed an anxious about her asking because of the past, but today in my head I calmed myself down and told myself "be nice". It hit me today that I should probably be a little nicer to my family and those around me.
Take care everyone.
I'm planning on CTB by the end of the year. Most likely in early September or late August. Until then, I'm in a constant state of thinking about it. I think about what's the point in going on with my daily routines in life if I'm ending it anyways in a couple of months...sadly I live in a household where I just can't catch a break and my circumstances just don't allow me to just drop everything and just stay in bed until then. I've lost all motivation and I have no ambition to do anything anymore. I've tried to get my shit together so many times these past few years and every single time I fall back into depression and my family also make me feel completely worthless and unmotivated.
Every single day I am so exhausted because I'm trying so hard to look like a functioning person. I have so much pressure on me and I don't have the balls either to ask for real help. Within a year, my mental health has escalated so badly and every few months I just have an episode where I'm feeling back to zero again. Like I said, I'm so tired and I already know that there will never be enough ambition in me to do even the simplest of tasks.
Anyways, life sucks and I cry everyday thinking about how I'm such a failure and how my family and friends are going to feel about my death. Truthfully, there's nothing or anyone that can really keep me here , except a literal miracle, whatever that could be. Today, my mom asked about school and normally I'd get really annoyed an anxious about her asking because of the past, but today in my head I calmed myself down and told myself "be nice". It hit me today that I should probably be a little nicer to my family and those around me.
Take care everyone.
