thoughts and such

[badenddonuts]

sorry if this gets too adjacent to rambling. i don't have anywhere else to put it, and i'd rather have my thoughts be seen than rot in the notes app. i'll probably use this over the next few days until it's really time to go.
i've never really worked with a hard deadline like this before. it's an odd feeling.
i've attempted before in the past, but it was an impulsive thing when i was really just a kid, so i didn't get far with it. now that i'm old enough to have the freedom to plan properly it almost feels too easy. like i should've just done this a few months ago instead of dragging it out for so long. it's pricey, but not on the level of bankrupting me. it was a scary thought at first, but now it feels eerily natural.
i've set myself up for 10 days left to live, and despite it being such a tight deadline, i don't really feel any pressure over it? i don't know if that's meant to be a good thing or not. there's nothing i'm really craving outside of a good drink or two before i go. i don't have any lingering regrets. it really just feels like i've exhausted all my options.
i don't particularly want to get too into my personal life, but something unpleasant happened a few days ago, and i wasn't able to eat or sleep for days until i finally set my mind to dying. it's like a switch flipped, almost. for days i couldn't do anything much other than cry and shake and struggle to hold my body upright, but now it's like i'm just. fine. like nothing ever happened, outside of the physical weakness. i still can't eat properly, and my sense of taste has definitely dulled, but emotionally i don't feel much at all. i don't know if it's supposed to be like this. i always thought i'd die in a much more cinematic way, suffering until the very end, but it's more like falling asleep in the bed of someone i love. it's strange.

 

[Jadotine]

I'm the same way, I had made attempts in the past but they were always made on impulse and subsequently failed because of lack of research and preparation...

When I finally made up my mind to actually plan everything out carefully, all the pressure and the stress went away and I just felt peaceful (something I haven't felt for a looooong time) so it definitely isn't strange that you feel this way.

If you ever feel like ranting, feel free to do so! And if you just want to chat as well :)
Wish you the best for whatever you choose to do

 

[badenddonuts]

it's also a lot more boring than i expected?? like. i feel like i'm just sitting here waiting for the day. everything feels so damn boring..

 

[badenddonuts]

i feel like the woman in that horrible advertisement for that book about grief or whatever it was. now, i'm not afraid of death at all—in fact, i can't wait to die. honestly. i cannot wait to die. i'm so unbelievably bored!

 

[badenddonuts]

9 days or so left.
it's not awfully personal, so i don't mind sharing. i work at an animal shelter, and one of our dogs had to be put down today.
he was a good dog, i think. for everyone else he'd get aggressive if they didn't let him at the other dogs. he started biting people and they couldn't walk him safely anymore. i never had any issue with him, though. he would try to lunge towards the other dogs, of course, but he never tried to hurt me.
he died sometime around 9:30 in the morning. i didn't get to see him much before he left for the vet, just in passing while walking by his kennel. i don't think working at the shelter has done much good for my health, both physically and mentally. it's like being surrounded by constant death. and i hate my coworkers, too, haha.

 

[Jadotine]

That's awful to hear that, I can't imagine working in that kind of environment. Especially since aggressive dogs are most often the result of abusive or neglectful owners.
Truly some humans are the lowest scum to be able to leave innocent animals in these states. Like wtf is wrong with some of these people... I hope that the poor dog had a peaceful departure at least

And honestly thank you for having taken care of them at the shelter, I am sure that you must have been so gentle to them and saved many lives there too!
Its terrible that it was at the cost of your mental wellbeing though...

it's also a lot more boring than i expected?? like. i feel like i'm just sitting here waiting for the day. everything feels so damn boring..

Yeah I totally get that, I am the same way... I am also waiting for my date but I need to take care of my obligations first- And its so tempting to just end everything right there and there

I'll be online most of the days, so if you want to talk to kill a bit of time or just having someone listen let me know

 

[badenddonuts]

8 days left! almost a week. hooray.
work was not as awful as it usually was today, so i am in about as good of a mood you can be in with death looming over you..hahaha. i blocked everyone i know except for family, so i am well-prepared to start getting properly ready, i think. i kind of want to share photos of the cats from work, but i think they would be too risky since they have photos online and such already. and everyone i know has seen those cats.

 

[StrawberryMilkTasty]

hiii whats your favorite uma

 

[mychois]

it's more like falling asleep in the bed of someone i love ~ what a blessing !

 

[auto138491]

I suggest you give it some time. Also, here is a data point - I planned everything well. Got a cylinder. Prayed. Practised to reduce the SI. So when i attempted yday, I expected everything to happen sooo smoothly. It didnt. What happened instead was multiple SI kick ins. I tried 5-6 times, even willing to let the gas flow just a few seconds longer. Didn't work. Either way, a few days after a triggering event is not the right way to plan an exit.

 

[interna]

we're in a similar situation, godspeed. also really like uma <3

 

[badenddonuts]

I suggest you give it some time. Also, here is a data point - I planned everything well. Got a cylinder. Prayed. Practised to reduce the SI. So when i attempted yday, I expected everything to happen sooo smoothly. It didnt. What happened instead was multiple SI kick ins. I tried 5-6 times, even willing to let the gas flow just a few seconds longer. Didn't work. Either way, a few days after a triggering event is not the right way to plan an exit.

i can assure you i'm not being impulsive or hasty! i've wanted this for quite some time, haha. it's more of a "well, at this point there's nothing holding me back" than a "i'm sooo miserable i need to die Right Now." i know myself well, which is why i gave myself a decent amount of time to back out if i want. the hotel and such was originally booked for something else, so no harm if i do change my mind last minute.

hiii whats your favorite uma

my favorite is nice nature, of course. still in love and seiun sky are battling for second place, but natie'll always be my number one.

 

[badenddonuts]

thinking about him again tonight. i have been avoiding it with a decent amount of success since new year's day, but today it is getting to me rather badly. in any case, i won't have to suffer through it much longer.

 

[badenddonuts]

another day of work is over and done with..there is a new dog in today. she looks to be a purebred great pyrenees. the prettiest dog i have Ever seen. absolutely gorgeous. all white and so so pretty..i am not really a fan of dogs but so far she is so chill and lovely that i may fall in love with that dog. not like. in Love but she is just so lovely..i adore her. on a less positive note my headphone adapter broke and the replacement my grandmother gave me does not function at all. haha. so i had to endure the awful humiliation called "turn off the alexa and play my own music out loud." it is like being in hell but worse.
last night i revised my suicide notes. i am writing them little by little, so that i can be sure the content is what i really want to say.

 

[Jadotine]

Pyrenees are absolutely lovely!
Honestly if huskies weren't my favourite breed they would be a close second with how beautiful they are... I soooo wish I could meet her

Oh no, not the music :(
I would die if my headphones broke..

 

[badenddonuts]

Pyrenees are absolutely lovely!
Honestly if huskies weren't my favourite breed they would be a close second with how beautiful they are... I soooo wish I could meet her

Oh no, not the music :(
I would die if my headphones broke..

the worst part is that it is not even the Headphones that are broken. just the adapter. like hell, but worse.

 

[badenddonuts]

4 days or so left.
i spoke with my ex boyfriend last night. it did not go well, so it's really done nothing but make me feel even more conviction with my decision to die. if there is no hope to fix that, there is no hope in my life. he kept saying things like "well, at least you can take responsibility, that'll be good for your future" like an idiot. he should know very well that i am not the sort of person to have a future. my "future" was just him.
today is my day off of work. i only have to work for 3 more days, and then i'm as good as gone.
today was also payday, so i'll definitely have enough money for the things i've yet to buy. it feels like a waste of a paycheck, but oh well.

 

[badenddonuts]

today's the day! i will make a proper goodbye post later. i am looking forward to it. i did not get harassed on the bus up to the city, thankfully, and i got to the hotel with no issues. i just have to sort out things like my last meal and general plans for the day.